Friend repeatedly declines my invites to get together. Move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, nobody knows the answer and it's not worth the energy trying to find out why she does not want to hang with you 1 on 1. You HAVE to accept it.

There are some perfectly sweet and kind people in my lives that I can socialize with in a group setting, but not 1 on 1. Our personalities just don't mesh that way in an intimate setting. What's the point of trying to get to the bottom of this? You can both be lovely but not mesh well.

It could be this, but maybe it's not. And really, it doesn't matter what the reason is, or if there is a reason at all. It's not working out. You can occasionally keep inviting her, but if you're starting to feel awkward about it, then stop. No harm, no foul.

There are some perfectly sweet and kind people in my lives that I socialize with at neighborhood functions, but I'm not interested in coffee, etc. Not because our personalities don't mesh but because I am freaking BUSY, with a lot of sweet and kind people who I am already very close friends with but who I barely have time to have coffee with. I love seeing my sweet and kind neighbors when I walk the dog and at neighborhood functions, which I work hard to attend because I like my neighbors and want to be friendly with them, but I have to do a calculus--I saw you, sweet neighbor, last week at the neighborhood gathering. I haven't seen my close friends Larla and Larlette and Larleen in weeks/months. If I have time to have coffee, I need to have it with one of them, not you who I just saw. I'm sorry that it has to be this way--truly sorry!--but that is the way that it is, given my work obligations (relentless) and family obligations (I don't have young kids, but I do have grown children and parents and siblings who I also need to schedule time with) and given my desire to maintain an exercise schedule and engage in a couple of hobbies.

My suggestion is NOT to take your neighbor's responses personally in any way. There is no downside to NOT taking it personally. It's just not working out, and that's all. Enjoy seeing her when you can.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know a woman who thinks I am her friend. I used to work with her ages ago and then she was fired from our firm. She is very anxious, possibly undiagnosed ADHD. I was nice to her when we were working but I sure didn't enjoy her company. I am just nice to my co-workers. But ever since she left a few years ago, she texts me once every couple of months, asks to get together, send me long updates about her family issues, her daughters. I am not interested. If I run into her at the store, sure, I will say hi and do a simple chit chat. But she is exhausting and energy sucking, so I always say no. Always. She doesn't seem to take a hint.

[Anonymous]

This is not a close friend and she doesn’t want to get close.

I have a friend, not especially close friend that I have been trying to meet up with. Our schedules just don’t line up as we have 3 busy kids and busy husbands. She throws out times and dates though.

[Anonymous]

After a few no’s and she never asks move on.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. I appreciate your replies, thanks. Reading them makes me think it is increasingly hard to make and maintain friendships in adulthood once you are a certain age. People have their routines, their jobs and their hobbies. Friendship groups have long been established and there seems little space and time for anyone else.

In my experience it's really hard to become part of someone's circle of friends if you weren't part of that circle much earlier on, when we were a bit younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know a woman who thinks I am her friend. I used to work with her ages ago and then she was fired from our firm. She is very anxious, possibly undiagnosed ADHD. I was nice to her when we were working but I sure didn't enjoy her company. I am just nice to my co-workers. But ever since she left a few years ago, she texts me once every couple of months, asks to get together, send me long updates about her family issues, her daughters. I am not interested. If I run into her at the store, sure, I will say hi and do a simple chit chat. But she is exhausting and energy sucking, so I always say no. Always. She doesn't seem to take a hint.

You need to give a larger hint. You're not being clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. I appreciate your replies, thanks. Reading them makes me think it is increasingly hard to make and maintain friendships in adulthood once you are a certain age. People have their routines, their jobs and their hobbies. Friendship groups have long been established and there seems little space and time for anyone else.

In my experience it's really hard to become part of someone's circle of friends if you weren't part of that circle much earlier on, when we were a bit younger.

I never aim to break into circles; I aim for single friends. Not people who are single, but just one friend. Not a group of five ladies who've been friends since their children were infants and now they're in 8th grade.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. I appreciate your replies, thanks. Reading them makes me think it is increasingly hard to make and maintain friendships in adulthood once you are a certain age. People have their routines, their jobs and their hobbies. Friendship groups have long been established and there seems little space and time for anyone else.

I'm not sure if that is true - my mom makes friends fairly easily (even though I often find her difficult). It could just be that you and this particular woman are not a fit. Some people, you like well enough as friendly acquaintances, but don't want it to go beyond that. Keep trying to reach out to other women (not this one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree at this point you should just move on. Better for both of you.

But I also want to point out that sometimes people are just extremely bad at making and maintaining friendships. I used to have a friend who started turning me down for hangouts and not suggesting an alternative time, and also said "I'm just super busy right now -- I don't foresee getting together anytime soon." Which I took to mean "don't invite me anymore" which I didn't. Then a few months later she popped up and was like "why don't I hear from you anymore? we should hang out!" And then we did, and then I started inviting her out again and she'd turn me down again and eventually did the "I'm super busy" thing again. Ok fine. And AGAIN she popped up a few months later asking why I hadn't been reaching out. WTF? Maybe she has ADHD or something. It was like a boyfriend who kept breaking up with me and then showing up randomly when he was lonely. No thank you.

So it might not be you. It might be her.

I am a lot like your friend - and yes it is partly ADHD, partly just getting tired and not having as much social energy as I wish I had. I find group dinners to be the easiest to commit to - or else an activity like hiking or paddling - and coffees mostly just exhaust me. There are a lot of people I would like to see but then months go by.

I apologize for all the friendly flakes who send out confusing messages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So our personalities are not aligned. It's a shame. I've had this with a few people (mainly women) in my adult life. I'm educated, well spoken and I'm interested in a wide range of topics so I don't bore people with just 1 or 2 topics or niche interests.
I take care of my appearance, I don't smoke, and I don't use foul language.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Oh well.

Please don't take this as a referendum on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. I appreciate your replies, thanks. Reading them makes me think it is increasingly hard to make and maintain friendships in adulthood once you are a certain age. People have their routines, their jobs and their hobbies. Friendship groups have long been established and there seems little space and time for anyone else.

In my experience it's really hard to become part of someone's circle of friends if you weren't part of that circle much earlier on, when we were a bit younger.

I would cast a larger net. Friendship goes both ways, so not every potential friend will be a "hit." Throw multiple darts and see which ones stick.

I have a very good friend who has ghosted me. I think she's not dealing well with her health issues and shrinking her circle. I've reached out three times. And that's it; I'm done. Anything beyond that is just getting silly. Since she can text at me at any time, it's not like I need to keep checking to remind her of this fact. If she does reach out, I'll be happy to re-engage, but it's become too lopsided for me to keep putting in effort.

[Anonymous]

I mean I don’t drink coffee so i really don’t want to grab coffee but doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends.

[Anonymous]

I’d move on. I also don’t think this necessarily means she doesn’t like you.

If she’s like me she is just busy and doesn’t want to put the energy and effort into making friends right now. I’ve got a lot going on with family and work and am an introvert as it is. Don’t take it personally.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it always an offer to go grab coffee? Maybe it's the scenario she's not into.

Have you ever suggested other things? A porch beer? Patio dinner? An after-dinner walk? Meeting up at the neighborhood pool? A happy hour?

I like coffee, but honestly, "getting a coffee" is not the kind of invitation I'd be glad to accept. Sounds terrible to me.

Next time you see her--in person (do not text or call)--if you've only ever asked about coffee, ask her (one more time) if she'd like to do something else: "Hey, Dave & I are grilling out this Friday, would you & Steve like to come over for burgers & beer?" See what she says. It may just be one of those couple friendships, and it may not revolve around 1:1 coffee dates, and that's FINE. Asking something else in another way can help you know that.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s more about her than you. I have several friends and not interested in acquiring new ones, maybe she is the same way.