Friend repeatedly declines my invites to get together. Move on?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s also about needs of each person, about filling a niche. For example I would totally be friends with my son’s friends’ moms because I would want company for him. He isn’t invited much outside of school, so I would value that very much.

[Anonymous]

9 out of 10? You have achieved stalker status, in her eyes.

How the hell you did not get a hint?

[Anonymous]

She's not a friend, she's an acquaintance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm OP. I appreciate your replies, thanks. Reading them makes me think it is increasingly hard to make and maintain friendships in adulthood once you are a certain age. People have their routines, their jobs and their hobbies. Friendship groups have long been established and there seems little space and time for anyone else.

I'm not sure if that is true - my mom makes friends fairly easily (even though I often find her difficult). It could just be that you and this particular woman are not a fit. Some people, you like well enough as friendly acquaintances, but don't want it to go beyond that. Keep trying to reach out to other women (not this one).

OT/ what does your mom do that allows her to make friends easily?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s more about her than you. I have several friends and not interested in acquiring new ones, maybe she is the same way.

If everyone said they already have several friends and are not interested in acquiring new ones, how are new friendships supposed to form and blossom?

Imagine a new family or a single person from a different state moved into your neighborhood. They are newcomers and they have no local connections. No relatives nearby either. How are they going to make new friends if everyone says they're busy or they have enough friends already?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s more about her than you. I have several friends and not interested in acquiring new ones, maybe she is the same way.

If everyone said they already have several friends and are not interested in acquiring new ones, how are new friendships supposed to form and blossom?

Imagine a new family or a single person from a different state moved into your neighborhood. They are newcomers and they have no local connections. No relatives nearby either. How are they going to make new friends if everyone says they're busy or they have enough friends already?

Because not everyone is too busy already! Some people have more capacity for socializing. Some have a good friend who just moved away, or who they fell out with. Maybe you can fill the role of an activity buddy - someone to go hike with or take a painting class or whatever. Maybe you share an interest that makes you rise above the crowd. Maybe you're new in town, too! Or your kids just moved out. Or you just got divorced.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if that is true - my mom makes friends fairly easily (even though I often find her difficult). It could just be that you and this particular woman are not a fit. Some people, you like well enough as friendly acquaintances, but don't want it to go beyond that. Keep trying to reach out to other women (not this one).


OT/ what does your mom do that allows her to make friends easily?

She takes a lot of classes (art, academic classes offered for older adults, classes at her gym). She has also met people through church. She is definitely outgoing, but very opinionated, so she needs to connect with people who don't mind that. Obviously she has had some success in that regard.

[Anonymous]

yeah, I have a friend who is nice enough but she is so incredibly boring that anytime we get together I feel like I'm carrying the conversation 100% and have to be the one to constantly come up with the next topic for discussion. It's exhausting and decidedly not fun at all. She's pleasant, she's kind, she's the mom of boy who is one of my middle schooler's best buddies. So the best I can do is decline most because frankly, I only keep the acquaintance because of the boys, so a couple visits a year is all I can take. Might be the same dynamic with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would move on. Maybe she just prefers meeting in groups. I would give her an open invitation to let you know if she ever wants to grab coffee and leave it there.

That's exactly what I did today. I gave her an open invitation to grab coffee. The ball is in her court.

She also never proposes an alternative date when she's busy on the date I had proposed, so I guess she's not interested.

You are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yeah, I have a friend who is nice enough but she is so incredibly boring that anytime we get together I feel like I'm carrying the conversation 100% and have to be the one to constantly come up with the next topic for discussion. It's exhausting and decidedly not fun at all. She's pleasant, she's kind, she's the mom of boy who is one of my middle schooler's best buddies. So the best I can do is decline most because frankly, I only keep the acquaintance because of the boys, so a couple visits a year is all I can take. Might be the same dynamic with OP.

It's OP here. In one of my previous posts I mentioned that I am interested in a wide range of topics and not just 1 or 2. I don't bore people with niche interests, or talk relentlessly about something that grows at the bottom of the ocean ...

I know my friends' interests and my interests don't always align. She's into opera and classical music. I'm not (well I do appreciate classical music but not to the extent that she does; she's passionate about it). I'm into modern architecture, I don't think she is. But one thing we have in common is that we're both interested in our local community so that could be a topic of conversation.
Sadly I don't think it's enough for her to build a friendship upon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yeah, I have a friend who is nice enough but she is so incredibly boring that anytime we get together I feel like I'm carrying the conversation 100% and have to be the one to constantly come up with the next topic for discussion. It's exhausting and decidedly not fun at all. She's pleasant, she's kind, she's the mom of boy who is one of my middle schooler's best buddies. So the best I can do is decline most because frankly, I only keep the acquaintance because of the boys, so a couple visits a year is all I can take. Might be the same dynamic with OP.

It's OP here. In one of my previous posts I mentioned that I am interested in a wide range of topics and not just 1 or 2. I don't bore people with niche interests, or talk relentlessly about something that grows at the bottom of the ocean ...

I know my friends' interests and my interests don't always align. She's into opera and classical music. I'm not (well I do appreciate classical music but not to the extent that she does; she's passionate about it). I'm into modern architecture, I don't think she is. But one thing we have in common is that we're both interested in our local community so that could be a topic of conversation.
Sadly I don't think it's enough for her to build a friendship upon.

I’m sorry OP. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to be friends. The reason doesn’t really matter… sometimes we just don’t click with people who are perfectly nice, and that’s ok. Move on and focus your energy elsewhere. Best of luck! I know making friends as an adult is hard but she’s not your person.

[Anonymous]

She's not interested, just stop asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not a friend, she's an acquaintance.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would move on. Maybe she just prefers meeting in groups. I would give her an open invitation to let you know if she ever wants to grab coffee and leave it there.

That's exactly what I did today. I gave her an open invitation to grab coffee. The ball is in her court.

She also never proposes an alternative date when she's busy on the date I had proposed, so I guess she's not interested.

This. She's not interested.

I'm busy but I make time to see the people I want to see. I have some friends in my "circle" for lack of a better word that I would never do anything with 1:1. Either I've done it before and it was painful or I know enough to know I wouldn't enjoy doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would move on. Maybe she just prefers meeting in groups. I would give her an open invitation to let you know if she ever wants to grab coffee and leave it there.

That's exactly what I did today. I gave her an open invitation to grab coffee. The ball is in her court.

She also never proposes an alternative date when she's busy on the date I had proposed, so I guess she's not interested.

This. She's not interested.

I'm busy but I make time to see the people I want to see. I have some friends in my "circle" for lack of a better word that I would never do anything with 1:1. Either I've done it before and it was painful or I know enough to know I wouldn't enjoy doing it.

OP. Thanks for sharing your point of view. I guess I have to accept that she's not interested, but this sort of thing has happened before, with other people. They're happy to see me in a group setting, or as a couple with my husband, but not one on one.

It gets a bit tiring when I'm always the initiator and when my overtures are not reciprocated or ignored.