Friend repeatedly declines my invites to get together. Move on?

[Anonymous]

She might have 'stuff' going on, OP.

I have had close friends who no longer wanted to hang out after a divorce or a loss, OP. They simply think that you can not relate to them, on some level. That, and I think one or two of them are embarrassed, or somehow feel like a failure, which was suggested to me on this board - not sure why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9 out of 10 times she declines and you feel the need to ask this? How can this even be a question?

I just wondered why she declines when it's just me. She comes out when we're in a group or - strangely - when it's me PLUS DH.

Social anxiety. It’s difficult to do 1:1.

My friend doesn't strike me as timid in front of people. She happily chats with people in a group setting. She's also in a choir so she sings with and in front of others. I don't think she suffers from social stage fright.

That’s not what social anxiety is. It has nothing to do with stage fright - that’s a completely different form of anxiety. It’s feeling like you don’t know what to say when you’re one on one with certain people. You feel like they’re going to think anything you say is strange or weird. It takes more out of you to be with them because you’re constantly worried about keeping the conversation flowing. Sometimes people have social anxiety in groups, but others have it and one on one situations. I’d much rather have a conversation in a group than one on one with someone I don’t know as well. Most people who know me would think I’m very outgoing and would have no idea I struggle with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you invited her 10 times, you got a problem. Leave her alone.

Agree with this. You're totally annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you invited her 10 times, you got a problem. Leave her alone.

When I said 9 out of 10 times I meant this as a manner of speaking. I don't remember how many times I've invited her. 4 or 5 times I the last year ...? And a few more times in the years before the pandemic.

She came out for coffee with me once, but that was 4 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you invited her 10 times, you got a problem. Leave her alone.

When I said 9 out of 10 times I meant this as a manner of speaking. I don't remember how many times I've invited her. 4 or 5 times I the last year ...? And a few more times in the years before the pandemic.

She came out for coffee with me once, but that was 4 years ago.

Honey. Four years ago she went to coffee with you and since then you've asked her out at least eight times. Take. The. Hint. !!!

[Anonymous]

She's just not that into you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you invited her 10 times, you got a problem. Leave her alone.

When I said 9 out of 10 times I meant this as a manner of speaking. I don't remember how many times I've invited her. 4 or 5 times I the last year ...? And a few more times in the years before the pandemic.

She came out for coffee with me once, but that was 4 years ago.

Just stop. You asked your question, we answered it. The fact that you are still yammering on proves the problem is you. STOP CONTACTING HER. -np

[Anonymous]

OP, nobody knows the answer and it's not worth the energy trying to find out why she does not want to hang with you 1 on 1. You HAVE to accept it.

There are some perfectly sweet and kind people in my lives that I can socialize with in a group setting, but not 1 on 1. Our personalities just don't mesh that way in an intimate setting. What's the point of trying to get to the bottom of this? You can both be lovely but not mesh well.

[Anonymous]

Keep doing *only* what works. She could be doing something to advance the relationship but she's not. I wouldn't want a relationship that's so one sided. IF she adjusts and reaches out, you can be open to her offers.

[Anonymous]

So our personalities are not aligned. It's a shame. I've had this with a few people (mainly women) in my adult life. I'm educated, well spoken and I'm interested in a wide range of topics so I don't bore people with just 1 or 2 topics or niche interests.
I take care of my appearance, I don't smoke, and I don't use foul language.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, she's definitely not interested in being closer friends. I'm kind of that way with neighbors. If you're within line-of-sight, that's too close for me. A street over, sure. But it can get uncomfortable if you're living too close to a friend. Point being, it's likely not personal that she wants to keep it that way.

This is...amazing. DCUM is a constant reminder of how deeply weird some people are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9 out of 10 times she declines and you feel the need to ask this? How can this even be a question?

I just wondered why she declines when it's just me. She comes out when we're in a group or - strangely - when it's me PLUS DH.

Social anxiety. It’s difficult to do 1:1.

My friend doesn't strike me as timid in front of people. She happily chats with people in a group setting. She's also in a choir so she sings with and in front of others. I don't think she suffers from social stage fright.

My DH is a teacher who definitely doesn't suffer from stage fright. He does have social anxiety. It's a totally different thing from singing in front of a crowd, or dealing with people on a work basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So our personalities are not aligned. It's a shame. I've had this with a few people (mainly women) in my adult life. I'm educated, well spoken and I'm interested in a wide range of topics so I don't bore people with just 1 or 2 topics or niche interests. I take care of my appearance, I don't smoke, and I don't use foul language.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Oh well.

I am attracted to people who are kind, funny and smart. Maybe you're uptight and judgmental. Maybe you're nice to people's faces but not actually kind. Maybe you talk behind people's backs. Maybe your interests are not aligning with other people's interests. I was briefly friends with a lovely woman who was very into swim races and bird watching and camping. She was a nice person, but I wasn't interested in any of those three things, and she had zero sense of humor. I couldn't stay friends with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, nobody knows the answer and it's not worth the energy trying to find out why she does not want to hang with you 1 on 1. You HAVE to accept it.

There are some perfectly sweet and kind people in my lives that I can socialize with in a group setting, but not 1 on 1. Our personalities just don't mesh that way in an intimate setting. What's the point of trying to get to the bottom of this? You can both be lovely but not mesh well.

This. I know someone who does the same with me. I see her in groups and she has asked me to get together one on one probably a dozen times over the years and I decline and don't leave the door open. We even talk one on one in group settings. i think she is a bright, interesting person with good person overall, but I still find her off-putting. My free time is limited and I want to enjoy it with people who truly enjoy. She is competitive and one of those people who has to brag about the good things she does rather than doing them just for the warm fuzzy feeling even if the general community doesn't know. I find myself having to shower her with praise and it gets exhausting though she seems to like it. There are many things I think are great about her and if I had endless free time and less stress in my life I would make time for her. Because I have a highly stressful and hectic life, I save my free time for my friends who have me laughing so hard I don't want our time to end or who totally get it and we vent and joke about our crazy lives.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen with a good friend the second year of our friendship. She said no to everything for about ten months (yes, everything) and then suddenly we hung out again. Sometimes people are weird.

However, I think you should stop inviting. See if she reaches out and invites YOU to stuff. Then you’ll have your answer.