How do you deal with a 20 something daughter moving in with boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every family is different. Personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my 20-something daughter doing this but that’s just me. And ultimately it’s not my decision anyway.

What I would do for sure is talk with her about getting an IUD.

You guys this isn't some college freshman. It's a 24 year old woman!!! Who has had a serious relationship for 2 years and is about to be cohabitating with her partner. Pretty sure she doesn't need some boomer womansplaining to her about birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every family is different. Personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my 20-something daughter doing this but that’s just me. And ultimately it’s not my decision anyway.

What I would do for sure is talk with her about getting an IUD.

You guys this isn't some college freshman. It's a 24 year old woman!!! Who has had a serious relationship for 2 years and is about to be cohabitating with her partner. Pretty sure she doesn't need some boomer womansplaining to her about birth control.

Too funny. Grown ups need interference on that? If any do ask us to pick up formula or tampons we might see on a store trip, we're happy to oblige, but in no way do we even want to know this stuff. Conversations not even initiated- one of my adult DC's did buy us some toilet paper during the great TP shortage. We didn't ask - it just appeared. Joke was DH would have to start using the WaPo.
https://www.npr.org/2022/06/12/1104393549/tampons-are-the-latest-supply-chain-casualty-women-took-notice-months-ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

She could be doing that to him just as easily

Dp how often does that happen to a man?

Who knows? But we got to stop assuming women are always victims and men always have ulterior evil motives.

So you are saying that it doesn't happen? That hasn't been the experience of most women, including myself. Men just assume women want to be victims!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every family is different. Personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my 20-something daughter doing this but that’s just me. And ultimately it’s not my decision anyway.

What I would do for sure is talk with her about getting an IUD.

You guys this isn't some college freshman. It's a 24 year old woman!!! Who has had a serious relationship for 2 years and is about to be cohabitating with her partner. Pretty sure she doesn't need some boomer womansplaining to her about birth control.

First PP, in a good home, the discussion about getting on reliable birth control and IUDs should have occurred, oh, like 10 years before this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're adults, there's nothing for you to do except accept it. I moved in with my now spouse when we were both 20. I doubt any of our parents were happy about that, but there wasn't anything they could have done to stop it, and we're going strong decades later.

Same as above. Though we had just graduated college and moved to a new city. Rejoice in the fact that your child is sharing this info with you!! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

She could be doing that to him just as easily

Dp how often does that happen to a man?

Who knows? But we got to stop assuming women are always victims and men always have ulterior evil motives.

So you are saying that it doesn't happen? That hasn't been the experience of most women, including myself. Men just assume women want to be victims!

You need to get help. Your fear/loathing of an entire sex is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

DP. She’s 23 not 33 how much stringing along can he do she’s probably years away from marriage?

[Anonymous]

This may be the best way for her to figure out if this relationship is going to last. I have lived with two boyfriends, both in my 20s. I had dated the first one for 3-4 years before we moved in together and it took less than 6 months to realize that was a mistake. I dated my now-husband for 1.5 years before moving in and we got engaged soon after. Have been married 17 years.

Don't worry--she'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Buy them a nice gift for their home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may be the best way for her to figure out if this relationship is going to last. I have lived with two boyfriends, both in my 20s. I had dated the first one for 3-4 years before we moved in together and it took less than 6 months to realize that was a mistake. I dated my now-husband for 1.5 years before moving in and we got engaged soon after. Have been married 17 years.

Don't worry--she'll figure it out.

May I ask why the first bf did not work out? Are you still in contact or know what happened to him?

[Anonymous]

OP, my kids are in their 20s -- youngest is a rising college senior -- and I understand where you're coming from. If any of my kids were to ask for advice on this subject, I'd say that it's easier to break up if you're not living together. I'd also note that DH (their father) and I lived together before we were married and that I learned very little from that experience beyond what I had already learned from dating him for nearly two years after being friends and classmates for three years. (Really, the only thing nugget of wisdom I gleaned during our co-habitation is that he sucks at doing laundry. This is still true and the knowledge has been of lasting value. We will not speak of my ruined Laura Ashley blouse.)

You'll no doubt note that I said "if my kids were to ask for advice". At this point in their lives, I do not offer advice unless it is welcome. I will occasionally go as far as saying, "I have some ideas about that. Would you like to hear them?" I say this with a bright smile and a gentle tone. Even so, most of the time, they say "no." But remembering what I was like at their age, I am gobsmacked when they say, "Ok; shoot."

As a PP noted, the most important thing is to keep up your good relationship with them, so that if they do want advice, comfort, a kiss on the forehead, or whatever, they will come to you and not feel that you will say, "I told you so." This is hard to accept, I know, because decisions your children make at this age can have extensive repercussions. But, give them credit for being able to solve their problems. After all, they are wonderful human beings whom you and your DH reared as best you could. Yes, you made your mistakes; now let them make theirs.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Just adding that as the parent of two sons and a daughter, I appreciate the perspective of several PPs who noted that a young man can also be left heartbroken by a sweetheart who strings them along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

And would it have been less devastating if you'd been married?

I really don't understand the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

She could be doing that to him just as easily

Dp how often does that happen to a man?

Who knows? But we got to stop assuming women are always victims and men always have ulterior evil motives.

So you are saying that it doesn't happen? That hasn't been the experience of most women, including myself. Men just assume women want to be victims!

Wow, that was a real reach. I think you have some issues you need to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one thing my mother told me was to use caution when living with boyfriends. It's so easy to move in and MUCH harder to move OUT. Inertia can carry you for a long time in a bad relationship. Needing to pull up and move can keep people in the wrong relationship for a long time.

So if she's reasonably sure this relationship will around for a good long while, and he is too, then I don't think it's a problem. Or if she's willing to pack it up and move it out when she realizes it's not the right fit, fine.

But this is just counsel if she asks. If she doesn't, I'd do your best to be supportive and stay in her confidence. She'll need that if things don't work out.

+1 Also, if you live in the same area, make sure she knows she always has a home with you if she needs it. That inertia/hard to move out thing is real. One of my good friends was stuck in that college boyfriend relationship far longer than she wanted to because she felt stuck. We became friends when we lived in the same apartment complex and she ended up living on my sofa for a month while she figured out a new apartment. Knowing she had an easy place to go to absolutely helped her finally make the move.