Spouse works odd hours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

So? Not everything has to be about maximizing your monetary worth. She enjoys the job and it is good for her mental health. Why isn’t that valuable in its own right?

Why does his wife get to have everything she wants for her "mental health" 7 days a week. She wanted to stay at home and not work - so despite what anyone jumps in and says about how "staying home is the hardest job in the world!" it's clearly not, or all these women wouldn't pick it over going back to work. And then after she got the pick of what she wanted to do M-F, she also gets to pick what she wants to do on the weekends too? So basically 7 days a week of her time are driven by her own emotional needs. That's super selfish in a marriage. I think there's something bigger going on, or she's just a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

So? Not everything has to be about maximizing your monetary worth. She enjoys the job and it is good for her mental health. Why isn’t that valuable in its own right?

Why does his wife get to have everything she wants for her "mental health" 7 days a week. She wanted to stay at home and not work - so despite what anyone jumps in and says about how "staying home is the hardest job in the world!" it's clearly not, or all these women wouldn't pick it over going back to work. And then after she got the pick of what she wanted to do M-F, she also gets to pick what she wants to do on the weekends too? So basically 7 days a week of her time are driven by her own emotional needs. That's super selfish in a marriage. I think there's something bigger going on, or she's just a selfish jerk.

Why should she have to spend her life feeding her husband’s ego? He doesn’t want a wife who works as a receptionist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So her getting a part time job isn't actually an issue, if it really does make her happy. She is also doing it smartly, by saving money on daycare when you are home. But women generally don't do this unless they are actually trying not to spend time with their spouse. I wouldn't guess an affair - it doesn't have to be that catastrophic - but I'd guess that something is actually really off in your relationship that she's trying to take as much "me time" as possible. Have you suggested that you guys just pay for daycare 2x a week (m-f), and then have the weekends together? If she's not into that, maybe you need to figure out why she's avoiding you. Because it's definitely *you* she is avoiding, not the kids. Are you guilting her for not working, or otherwise making her feel "less than" for not bringing as much money as you? Do you make her feel stressed about money in general ? Are you complaining about the shape the house is in when you get home daily?

I am not sure your point is valid. I worked two nights a week at a small boutique after giving up a career to sah. Was not avoiding my dh. It was just nice to dress up a bit, get out of house, and be with other people. It was flexible and fun. That was all I was looking for. I bought some very nice things for our home which were heavily discounted, and made friends with two other sahm that are still friends 15 yrs later!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So her getting a part time job isn't actually an issue, if it really does make her happy. She is also doing it smartly, by saving money on daycare when you are home. But women generally don't do this unless they are actually trying not to spend time with their spouse. I wouldn't guess an affair - it doesn't have to be that catastrophic - but I'd guess that something is actually really off in your relationship that she's trying to take as much "me time" as possible. Have you suggested that you guys just pay for daycare 2x a week (m-f), and then have the weekends together? If she's not into that, maybe you need to figure out why she's avoiding you. Because it's definitely *you* she is avoiding, not the kids. Are you guilting her for not working, or otherwise making her feel "less than" for not bringing as much money as you? Do you make her feel stressed about money in general ? Are you complaining about the shape the house is in when you get home daily?

I am not sure your point is valid. I worked two nights a week at a small boutique after giving up a career to sah. Was not avoiding my dh. It was just nice to dress up a bit, get out of house, and be with other people. It was flexible and fun. That was all I was looking for. I bought some very nice things for our home which were heavily discounted, and made friends with two other sahm that are still friends 15 yrs later!

Especially after being stuck with each other for 2 years. Have you been working from home, OP?

[Anonymous]

Her shifts aren't a total of 8 hours on 2 of the days she works, it seems?
She's averaging 18 hours for three days of work. She has 24 hours off between her Saturday and Sunday night shifts. She sounds smart! It's hard to find side jobs like that, and she can probably read, order groceries, diapers, whatever because she gets downtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

So? Not everything has to be about maximizing your monetary worth. She enjoys the job and it is good for her mental health. Why isn’t that valuable in its own right?

Why does his wife get to have everything she wants for her "mental health" 7 days a week. She wanted to stay at home and not work - so despite what anyone jumps in and says about how "staying home is the hardest job in the world!" it's clearly not, or all these women wouldn't pick it over going back to work. And then after she got the pick of what she wanted to do M-F, she also gets to pick what she wants to do on the weekends too? So basically 7 days a week of her time are driven by her own emotional needs. That's super selfish in a marriage. I think there's something bigger going on, or she's just a selfish jerk.

Okay, so she can get a job during the week that might not even make enough to cover the cost of daycare, OP can take off for his share of sick days and other daycare closures, and then they can split all of the housework, chores and errands on the weekends. Does that really sound like a great alternative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

So? Not everything has to be about maximizing your monetary worth. She enjoys the job and it is good for her mental health. Why isn’t that valuable in its own right?

Why does his wife get to have everything she wants for her "mental health" 7 days a week. She wanted to stay at home and not work - so despite what anyone jumps in and says about how "staying home is the hardest job in the world!" it's clearly not, or all these women wouldn't pick it over going back to work. And then after she got the pick of what she wanted to do M-F, she also gets to pick what she wants to do on the weekends too? So basically 7 days a week of her time are driven by her own emotional needs. That's super selfish in a marriage. I think there's something bigger going on, or she's just a selfish jerk.

Okay, so she can get a job during the week that might not even make enough to cover the cost of daycare, OP can take off for his share of sick days and other daycare closures, and then they can split all of the housework, chores and errands on the weekends. Does that really sound like a great alternative?

Op is fine with the kid being in daycare. His wife doesn't want that.
Wife wants to be sahm mom during the week while also having all house cleaning outsourced and a weekend job for " mental health". Someone is being unreasonable and it's not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her shifts aren't a total of 8 hours on 2 of the days she works, it seems?
She's averaging 18 hours for three days of work. She has 24 hours off between her Saturday and Sunday night shifts. She sounds smart! It's hard to find side jobs like that, and she can probably read, order groceries, diapers, whatever because she gets downtime.

The hours don't leave time for them to really do anything as a family.

Seems like the wife wants the benefits of a husband without having to interact with him as a family. Basically pretending to be a single mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a very responsible, reliable babysitter who will come for the day on Saturday and go play golf (or whatever).

His wife will probably have a problem with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are going to make you out to be the enemy because you're male and sadly that's how DCUM operates now.

But I don't think you're wrong. She's actively avoiding you and family time together that's not okay

I'd ask her to find an alternative to help with her mental health

But the reality is. I suspect she's having an affair.

OP here. Haha. Her work is so close I can check up on her. I guess she could be having an affair with a elderly man, haha.

I'm glad you have a sense of humor. But don't think women don't cheat with old men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

So? Not everything has to be about maximizing your monetary worth. She enjoys the job and it is good for her mental health. Why isn’t that valuable in its own right?

Why does his wife get to have everything she wants for her "mental health" 7 days a week. She wanted to stay at home and not work - so despite what anyone jumps in and says about how "staying home is the hardest job in the world!" it's clearly not, or all these women wouldn't pick it over going back to work. And then after she got the pick of what she wanted to do M-F, she also gets to pick what she wants to do on the weekends too? So basically 7 days a week of her time are driven by her own emotional needs. That's super selfish in a marriage. I think there's something bigger going on, or she's just a selfish jerk.

Okay, so she can get a job during the week that might not even make enough to cover the cost of daycare, OP can take off for his share of sick days and other daycare closures, and then they can split all of the housework, chores and errands on the weekends. Does that really sound like a great alternative?

Op is fine with the kid being in daycare. His wife doesn't want that.
Wife wants to be sahm mom during the week while also having all house cleaning outsourced and a weekend job for " mental health". Someone is being unreasonable and it's not OP.

You are conflating posters. OP said they do not have house cleaners and has not indicated his wife has asked to hire house cleaners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So her getting a part time job isn't actually an issue, if it really does make her happy. She is also doing it smartly, by saving money on daycare when you are home. But women generally don't do this unless they are actually trying not to spend time with their spouse. I wouldn't guess an affair - it doesn't have to be that catastrophic - but I'd guess that something is actually really off in your relationship that she's trying to take as much "me time" as possible. Have you suggested that you guys just pay for daycare 2x a week (m-f), and then have the weekends together? If she's not into that, maybe you need to figure out why she's avoiding you. Because it's definitely *you* she is avoiding, not the kids. Are you guilting her for not working, or otherwise making her feel "less than" for not bringing as much money as you? Do you make her feel stressed about money in general ? Are you complaining about the shape the house is in when you get home daily?

Wow what a weird assessment!

I was the stay at home mom that worked weekends. Because that was the only opportunity it was really clear I could go. My husband‘s job did not allow for me to have any private time at all. It’s ridiculous that I had to work a job to justify leaving the house alone. Some guys just don’t get it. Mine did, eventually.
Thankfully we could afford day care by the time child was three and I went back to full-time work. Being home with your child all week and then working on the weekends is exhausting, but it’s also sanity saving because you get to be someone besides “mommy”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a very responsible, reliable babysitter who will come for the day on Saturday and go play golf (or whatever).

His wife will probably have a problem with that.

OP here. I don't golf. I work out on Saturday and Sunday at the gym. My child goes to the childcare at the gym. I enjoy being with my family on the weekend. My wife would be fine with having a babysitter on the weekend. She also volunteers in hospice during the week while the baby is napping, and I work from home. I think she's doing too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

So? Not everything has to be about maximizing your monetary worth. She enjoys the job and it is good for her mental health. Why isn’t that valuable in its own right?

Why does his wife get to have everything she wants for her "mental health" 7 days a week. She wanted to stay at home and not work - so despite what anyone jumps in and says about how "staying home is the hardest job in the world!" it's clearly not, or all these women wouldn't pick it over going back to work. And then after she got the pick of what she wanted to do M-F, she also gets to pick what she wants to do on the weekends too? So basically 7 days a week of her time are driven by her own emotional needs. That's super selfish in a marriage. I think there's something bigger going on, or she's just a selfish jerk.

Okay, so she can get a job during the week that might not even make enough to cover the cost of daycare, OP can take off for his share of sick days and other daycare closures, and then they can split all of the housework, chores and errands on the weekends. Does that really sound like a great alternative?

Op is fine with the kid being in daycare. His wife doesn't want that.
Wife wants to be sahm mom during the week while also having all house cleaning outsourced and a weekend job for " mental health". Someone is being unreasonable and it's not OP.

I posted earlier in this thread. I work as an ER doc with shifts every Friday evening and some other weekend days while my husband is at home with the kids. I also function as a SAHM during the week and outsource cleaning.
Why is this unreasonable?

I just got a call from my kids’ school that one of them was sick and needed to come home. I picked him up, and he is home with me now. It’s not a big deal, but it would be if I were at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So her getting a part time job isn't actually an issue, if it really does make her happy. She is also doing it smartly, by saving money on daycare when you are home. But women generally don't do this unless they are actually trying not to spend time with their spouse. I wouldn't guess an affair - it doesn't have to be that catastrophic - but I'd guess that something is actually really off in your relationship that she's trying to take as much "me time" as possible. Have you suggested that you guys just pay for daycare 2x a week (m-f), and then have the weekends together? If she's not into that, maybe you need to figure out why she's avoiding you. Because it's definitely *you* she is avoiding, not the kids. Are you guilting her for not working, or otherwise making her feel "less than" for not bringing as much money as you? Do you make her feel stressed about money in general ? Are you complaining about the shape the house is in when you get home daily?

I am not sure your point is valid. I worked two nights a week at a small boutique after giving up a career to sah. Was not avoiding my dh. It was just nice to dress up a bit, get out of house, and be with other people. It was flexible and fun. That was all I was looking for. I bought some very nice things for our home which were heavily discounted, and made friends with two other sahm that are still friends 15 yrs later!

Yeah, but she's doing it on the weekends when he is home. She could be doing it on weeknights, like you did, or paying for a babysitter a few days a week to do it during the day. OP is okay with that.
Which is just telling - she's avoiding *something*.