Spouse works odd hours

[Anonymous]

So she's a stay-at-home mom with mental health problems, and she is supposed to work at gym childcare. Makes perfect sense.

[Anonymous]

I think you just don’t want to take care of your kid. She takes care of the kid all week. You can take care of the kid some on the weekend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her hours aren’t good for your marriage, op. No Friday night dates. No family time on Saturday and then on Sunday she’s got one eye on the clock so she can be at work at 4:30.

This is how people fall out of love and maybe in love or at least lust with another person, the loneliness during times when your peer group is with their families can truly make you do things you wouldn’t normally think to do. You can’t share cute moments with a spouse who isn’t present. You see other couples out with their kids and think “and I’m doing this alone counting the hours until I can tell my spouse about (fill in preferred thing you want to tell them). It can be truly heartbreaking because you can’t do life with someone who doesn’t want to be there. This isn’t World War 2 where you had lots of people without husbands or boyfriends, this is one dad surrounded by families and his wife choosing to work the hours she works. If her mental health takes priority and this is the form it takes, be prepared for yours to plummet.
The energy during the week is different. Nobody expects spouses around weekdays Mon-Friday.

Your wife isn’t stupid, she’s convinced you her mental health is suffering when she’s got plenty to do and all day to do it. She’s also got resources you don’t, I can remember my kid puking at the gym once so I hopped into the shower with her. No way could my husband have done that with the ease I did. I’ve had many interesting talks with moms and other women I meet at the park and the library and moms group about all types of things, usually girl related, menstruation, childbirth, funny things in books that men might not appreciate, you can’t really do that as a dad parenting solo on weekend time.
You on the other hand have fewer options and less leeway because you’re a man. It’s a lot of work taking a 2-year-old to the pool and it’s harder if the pool doesn’t have a family rest-room or if Dad doesn’t know he can ask that the rest-room be cleared so he can use it wit his daughter. Women can bring children places men can only dream about. One of my friends had a daughter and his wife died shortly thereafter. I’ll never forget the story he told about taking his daughter someplace and needing to change her diaper. The men’s room didn’t have a place to do this and when he asked to have the ladie’s room cleared the manager of the place he was at told him “can’t your wife change the diaper?” His response “No, she’s dead, it’s a little difficult for her to do that where she is”. The manager first accused him of “getting smart” then told him he should “find help”. His comment to me was “I didn’t need help, I needed a place to change a diaper, a place that I’d easily have had access to if I’d been a woman”.
His kid is in elementary school now and I still remember the story as well as his emotion. I remember him saying “I’d just lost (insert wife’s name) I was grieving, I was out with my kid and all I needed to do was change a f**cking diaper”. And yes, he got a girlfriend not long after that. For those of you who wonder why men partner up so quickly, there can be some very practical reasons for doing that.

I say all this for the women who think that dad should just do this for his wife.. there days and gender of your kid really do matter. Parenting during the week looks very different.

Sexist or not, you and your wife have a daughter. She’s alive and able to care for the child, she should care enough about you, your comfort and the kid to stick around on weekends for a bit longer. Is it fair, no, though it also isn’t fair for you to be told to just “make it work”. Your comfort and mental health matter too.
And no, your wife doesn’t need the money, if she did, mental health would be the last thing she’d be thinking about. She’d probably go work at a gym in a kids’ club.

As for having weekly facetime dates with grandma, the grandmas in our family would say “I love you, but I’m not committing to aa weekly facetime date especially when it’s being done not because you care about me but because your spouse isn’t home”. One of the grandpas in the family would say “I suggest you tell your spouse to come home, or go find a spouse that would enjoy being home with you.. don’t have me pick up those functions”.

Rude or not, there is something to be said for outsourcing your marriage. Talking with grandparents is fine, talking with them because your spouse can’t be bothered isn’t. Nobody wants to be second choice not even Grandma.



Tell your wife this arrangement isn’t good for you, your kid or the marriage. Tell her that if she’d like to be divorced that can happen and point out to her that people tend to look at a dad and little kid alone on the weekends as divorced. Does she want that? Do you?

Your wife isn’t a firefighter or doctor. She doesn’t get the benefits those people get, nor do you get the benefits those families get, because well, you aren’t them. The lady who is the E.R. doc is not at all going through life the way you are. She works weekends yes, but that’s like saying the beach in Los Angels is just like the beach in Miami. If that were true, all the people booked on flights out of Dulles going to Los Angeles this weekend wouldn’t give a rat’s behind if they were told “it’s cheaper to fly you all to Miami, that’s where we’re going.. there’s a beach after all, why do you care where it is”.
Good luck, op. I’m not convinced your wife is acting in good fait here. Maybe she isn’t cheating, but she sure isn’t prioritizing her family not when she could work different hours or not at all. And, if she thinks her job isn’t stressful, wait till a package gets lost. If she’s on the desk, she’ll have to find out where it went.. people don’t pay her to figure this out themselves.

Dramatic much? She's off on Saturday evening and Sunday until 4:30 pm. That's plenty of time to spend with her husband. They also live together.

Did the PP write this from the past? Every mens room has a changing table, every rec center pool has a family changing room (or six) women don’t cluster together discussing menstruation (?!) what on earth did I just read…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

[Anonymous]

If it helps her mental health, it helps your family. It helps your son get better care during the week. It helps her stay happy. That’s your family, OP. Your son and your wife. Think about what you’re willing to give up for you son who needs 24/7 adult care. Your wife is making a big sacrifice to stay home. You should support her in taking this time. She isn’t sitting on her butt eating bon bons. She’s making money for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it helps her mental health, it helps your family. It helps your son get better care during the week. It helps her stay happy. That’s your family, OP. Your son and your wife. Think about what you’re willing to give up for you son who needs 24/7 adult care. Your wife is making a big sacrifice to stay home. You should support her in taking this time. She isn’t sitting on her butt eating bonbons. She’s making money for the family.

She sounds smart, OP. She figured out she was depressed and did something about it. She found a job that's low stress, has no childcare expenses, and it's close by. Give her some credit. She needs an outlet. Being with a kid every day would drive anyone crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her hours aren’t good for your marriage, op. No Friday night dates. No family time on Saturday and then on Sunday she’s got one eye on the clock so she can be at work at 4:30.

This is how people fall out of love and maybe in love or at least lust with another person, the loneliness during times when your peer group is with their families can truly make you do things you wouldn’t normally think to do. You can’t share cute moments with a spouse who isn’t present. You see other couples out with their kids and think “and I’m doing this alone counting the hours until I can tell my spouse about (fill in preferred thing you want to tell them). It can be truly heartbreaking because you can’t do life with someone who doesn’t want to be there. This isn’t World War 2 where you had lots of people without husbands or boyfriends, this is one dad surrounded by families and his wife choosing to work the hours she works. If her mental health takes priority and this is the form it takes, be prepared for yours to plummet.
The energy during the week is different. Nobody expects spouses around weekdays Mon-Friday.

Your wife isn’t stupid, she’s convinced you her mental health is suffering when she’s got plenty to do and all day to do it. She’s also got resources you don’t, I can remember my kid puking at the gym once so I hopped into the shower with her. No way could my husband have done that with the ease I did. I’ve had many interesting talks with moms and other women I meet at the park and the library and moms group about all types of things, usually girl related, menstruation, childbirth, funny things in books that men might not appreciate, you can’t really do that as a dad parenting solo on weekend time.
You on the other hand have fewer options and less leeway because you’re a man. It’s a lot of work taking a 2-year-old to the pool and it’s harder if the pool doesn’t have a family rest-room or if Dad doesn’t know he can ask that the rest-room be cleared so he can use it wit his daughter. Women can bring children places men can only dream about. One of my friends had a daughter and his wife died shortly thereafter. I’ll never forget the story he told about taking his daughter someplace and needing to change her diaper. The men’s room didn’t have a place to do this and when he asked to have the ladie’s room cleared the manager of the place he was at told him “can’t your wife change the diaper?” His response “No, she’s dead, it’s a little difficult for her to do that where she is”. The manager first accused him of “getting smart” then told him he should “find help”. His comment to me was “I didn’t need help, I needed a place to change a diaper, a place that I’d easily have had access to if I’d been a woman”.
His kid is in elementary school now and I still remember the story as well as his emotion. I remember him saying “I’d just lost (insert wife’s name) I was grieving, I was out with my kid and all I needed to do was change a f**cking diaper”. And yes, he got a girlfriend not long after that. For those of you who wonder why men partner up so quickly, there can be some very practical reasons for doing that.

I say all this for the women who think that dad should just do this for his wife.. there days and gender of your kid really do matter. Parenting during the week looks very different.

Sexist or not, you and your wife have a daughter. She’s alive and able to care for the child, she should care enough about you, your comfort and the kid to stick around on weekends for a bit longer. Is it fair, no, though it also isn’t fair for you to be told to just “make it work”. Your comfort and mental health matter too.
And no, your wife doesn’t need the money, if she did, mental health would be the last thing she’d be thinking about. She’d probably go work at a gym in a kids’ club.

As for having weekly facetime dates with grandma, the grandmas in our family would say “I love you, but I’m not committing to aa weekly facetime date especially when it’s being done not because you care about me but because your spouse isn’t home”. One of the grandpas in the family would say “I suggest you tell your spouse to come home, or go find a spouse that would enjoy being home with you.. don’t have me pick up those functions”.

Rude or not, there is something to be said for outsourcing your marriage. Talking with grandparents is fine, talking with them because your spouse can’t be bothered isn’t. Nobody wants to be second choice not even Grandma.



Tell your wife this arrangement isn’t good for you, your kid or the marriage. Tell her that if she’d like to be divorced that can happen and point out to her that people tend to look at a dad and little kid alone on the weekends as divorced. Does she want that? Do you?

Your wife isn’t a firefighter or doctor. She doesn’t get the benefits those people get, nor do you get the benefits those families get, because well, you aren’t them. The lady who is the E.R. doc is not at all going through life the way you are. She works weekends yes, but that’s like saying the beach in Los Angels is just like the beach in Miami. If that were true, all the people booked on flights out of Dulles going to Los Angeles this weekend wouldn’t give a rat’s behind if they were told “it’s cheaper to fly you all to Miami, that’s where we’re going.. there’s a beach after all, why do you care where it is”.
Good luck, op. I’m not convinced your wife is acting in good fait here. Maybe she isn’t cheating, but she sure isn’t prioritizing her family not when she could work different hours or not at all. And, if she thinks her job isn’t stressful, wait till a package gets lost. If she’s on the desk, she’ll have to find out where it went.. people don’t pay her to figure this out themselves.

Dramatic much? She's off on Saturday evening and Sunday until 4:30 pm. That's plenty of time to spend with her husband. They also live together.

Did the PP write this from the past? Every mens room has a changing table, every rec center pool has a family changing room (or six) women don’t cluster together discussing menstruation (?!) what on earth did I just read…

Not all mens rooms have changing tables, at least as of 3 years ago. but...asking for the rest room to be cleared so he can go in? What?

[Anonymous]

What is the long- term plan? Did you both agree she’d would return to work once dc in school? If so, I guess I could see how you feel she should be doing something more respectable - your words. If not, who cares. I can’t tell you how many highly educated sahm’ S I’ve met who sell jewelry, teach yoga, work at Williams- Sonoma. They like getting out of the house.

If you want her to find a career, and she does as well, then discuss and have her use those hours to make it happen. Although, I will say if she is working in a high- end apartment as a concierge there is likely no better place to make contacts. Over time one of those residents will say “ Larla, you should come work for me.”

[Anonymous]

You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

[Anonymous]

OP, find a very responsible, reliable babysitter who will come for the day on Saturday and go play golf (or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the long- term plan? Did you both agree she’d would return to work once dc in school? If so, I guess I could see how you feel she should be doing something more respectable - your words. If not, who cares. I can’t tell you how many highly educated sahm’ S I’ve met who sell jewelry, teach yoga, work at Williams- Sonoma. They like getting out of the house.

If you want her to find a career, and she does as well, then discuss and have her use those hours to make it happen. Although, I will say if she is working in a high- end apartment as a concierge there is likely no better place to make contacts. Over time one of those residents will say “ Larla, you should come work for me.”

OP here. No, she's always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I have always been on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

So? Not everything has to be about maximizing your monetary worth. She enjoys the job and it is good for her mental health. Why isn’t that valuable in its own right?

[Anonymous]

So her getting a part time job isn't actually an issue, if it really does make her happy. She is also doing it smartly, by saving money on daycare when you are home. But women generally don't do this unless they are actually trying not to spend time with their spouse. I wouldn't guess an affair - it doesn't have to be that catastrophic - but I'd guess that something is actually really off in your relationship that she's trying to take as much "me time" as possible. Have you suggested that you guys just pay for daycare 2x a week (m-f), and then have the weekends together? If she's not into that, maybe you need to figure out why she's avoiding you. Because it's definitely *you* she is avoiding, not the kids. Are you guilting her for not working, or otherwise making her feel "less than" for not bringing as much money as you? Do you make her feel stressed about money in general ? Are you complaining about the shape the house is in when you get home daily?