Spouse works odd hours

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you begrudge your DW from doing something she enjoys and that improves her mental health. That you consider this a low prestige job doesn't reflect well on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

Having one parent pick up a job that requires various hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday, every weekend, as their new hobby would be a no for me. Weekends are family time. Her schedule limits what they can do as a family and really puts a damper on weekend plans. If my DH took an every weekend hobby job I’d have a problem with it. She can find a weeknight job or hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

Having one parent pick up a job that requires various hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday, every weekend, as their new hobby would be a no for me. Weekends are family time. Her schedule limits what they can do as a family and really puts a damper on weekend plans. If my DH took an every weekend hobby job I’d have a problem with it. She can find a weeknight job or hobby.

This seems rigid. Why can’t family time be Tuesday, and OP shift some of his work to Saturday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymou wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So her getting a part time job isn't actually an issue, if it really does make her happy. She is also doing it smartly, by saving money on daycare when you are home. But women generally don't do this unless they are actually trying not to spend time with their spouse. I wouldn't guess an affair - it doesn't have to be that catastrophic - but I'd guess that something is actually really off in your relationship that she's trying to take as much "me time" as possible. Have you suggested that you guys just pay for daycare 2x a week (m-f), and then have the weekends together? If she's not into that, maybe you need to figure out why she's avoiding you. Because it's definitely *you* she is avoiding, not the kids. Are you guilting her for not working, or otherwise making her feel "less than" for not bringing as much money as you? Do you make her feel stressed about money in general ? Are you complaining about the shape the house is in when you get home daily?

I am not sure your point is valid. I worked two nights a week at a small boutique after giving up a career to sah. Was not avoiding my dh. It was just nice to dress up a bit, get out of house, and be with other people. It was flexible and fun. That was all I was looking for. I bought some very nice things for our home which were heavily discounted, and made friends with two other sahm that are still friends 15 yrs later!

Yeah, but she's doing it on the weekends when he is home. She could be doing it on weeknights, like you did, or paying for a babysitter a few days a week to do it during the day. OP is okay with that.
Which is just telling - she's avoiding *something*.

She's avoiding being depressed moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a very responsible, reliable babysitter who will come for the day on Saturday and go play golf (or whatever).

His wife will probably have a problem with that.

OP here. I don't golf. I work out on Saturday and Sunday at the gym. My child goes to the childcare at the gym. I enjoy being with my family on the weekend. My wife would be fine with having a babysitter on the weekend. She also volunteers in hospice during the week while the baby is napping, and I work from home. I think she's doing too much.

Well, this is what happens when you choose a partner who is kind, nurturing, and full of enthusiasm.

She sounds like a really lovely person who cares about old people. We could use more people like her in the world. You should consider yourself lucky to be married to her. I can’t believe that you are making her feel guilty about volunteering at a hospice while your child naps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So her getting a part time job isn't actually an issue, if it really does make her happy. She is also doing it smartly, by saving money on daycare when you are home. But women generally don't do this unless they are actually trying not to spend time with their spouse. I wouldn't guess an affair - it doesn't have to be that catastrophic - but I'd guess that something is actually really off in your relationship that she's trying to take as much "me time" as possible. Have you suggested that you guys just pay for daycare 2x a week (m-f), and then have the weekends together? If she's not into that, maybe you need to figure out why she's avoiding you. Because it's definitely *you* she is avoiding, not the kids. Are you guilting her for not working, or otherwise making her feel "less than" for not bringing as much money as you? Do you make her feel stressed about money in general ? Are you complaining about the shape the house is in when you get home daily?

I am not sure your point is valid. I worked two nights a week at a small boutique after giving up a career to sah. Was not avoiding my dh. It was just nice to dress up a bit, get out of house, and be with other people. It was flexible and fun. That was all I was looking for. I bought some very nice things for our home which were heavily discounted, and made friends with two other sahm that are still friends 15 yrs later!

Yeah, but she's doing it on the weekends when he is home. She could be doing it on weeknights, like you did, or paying for a babysitter a few days a week to do it during the day. OP is okay with that.
Which is just telling - she's avoiding *something*.

She’s avoiding putting her child into daycare, which may be something that she wants to avoid for whatever reason. She has the opportunity to SAH, and that doesn’t negate her desire to do something “else” with her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

Having one parent pick up a job that requires various hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday, every weekend, as their new hobby would be a no for me. Weekends are family time. Her schedule limits what they can do as a family and really puts a damper on weekend plans. If my DH took an every weekend hobby job I’d have a problem with it. She can find a weeknight job or hobby.

This seems rigid. Why can’t family time be Tuesday, and OP shift some of his work to Saturday?

Having weekends available for family time isn’t rigid- it is normal. Week night family isn’t the same. Sometimes parents work late, kids have afternoon activities, and young kids early bedtimes. Having an every weekend job isn’t reasonable IMO when it is purely optional and the income not needed. She is a SAHM and should easily be able to work some time in during the week for her mental health- either on evenings when DH is home, preschool, or a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

Having one parent pick up a job that requires various hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday, every weekend, as their new hobby would be a no for me. Weekends are family time. Her schedule limits what they can do as a family and really puts a damper on weekend plans. If my DH took an every weekend hobby job I’d have a problem with it. She can find a weeknight job or hobby.

This seems rigid. Why can’t family time be Tuesday, and OP shift some of his work to Saturday?

Having weekends available for family time isn’t rigid- it is normal. Week night family isn’t the same. Sometimes parents work late, kids have afternoon activities, and young kids early bedtimes. Having an every weekend job isn’t reasonable IMO when it is purely optional and the income not needed. She is a SAHM and should easily be able to work some time in during the week for her mental health- either on evenings when DH is home, preschool, or a babysitter.

Maybe she feels that's dumb because childcare would wash out her pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

Having one parent pick up a job that requires various hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday, every weekend, as their new hobby would be a no for me. Weekends are family time. Her schedule limits what they can do as a family and really puts a damper on weekend plans. If my DH took an every weekend hobby job I’d have a problem with it. She can find a weeknight job or hobby.

This seems rigid. Why can’t family time be Tuesday, and OP shift some of his work to Saturday?

Having weekends available for family time isn’t rigid- it is normal. Week night family isn’t the same. Sometimes parents work late, kids have afternoon activities, and young kids early bedtimes. Having an every weekend job isn’t reasonable IMO when it is purely optional and the income not needed. She is a SAHM and should easily be able to work some time in during the week for her mental health- either on evenings when DH is home, preschool, or a babysitter.

Maybe she feels that's dumb because childcare would wash out her pay.

She isn’t working for the money, besides, she could do something some evenings during week when DH is home if that is truly the concern- but I don’t think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

Having one parent pick up a job that requires various hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday, every weekend, as their new hobby would be a no for me. Weekends are family time. Her schedule limits what they can do as a family and really puts a damper on weekend plans. If my DH took an every weekend hobby job I’d have a problem with it. She can find a weeknight job or hobby.

This seems rigid. Why can’t family time be Tuesday, and OP shift some of his work to Saturday?

Having weekends available for family time isn’t rigid- it is normal. Week night family isn’t the same. Sometimes parents work late, kids have afternoon activities, and young kids early bedtimes. Having an every weekend job isn’t reasonable IMO when it is purely optional and the income not needed. She is a SAHM and should easily be able to work some time in during the week for her mental health- either on evenings when DH is home, preschool, or a babysitter.

Why can’t Tuesday during the day be family time? Did OP even look into working some of the same hours as his spouse?
Maybe his employer would welcome having someone in the office every Saturday to be available for emergencies. Maybe he has a lot of flexibility in his schedule and could shift some of his work to Saturday.

Their child is two. He doesn’t have school or after school activities. There is no reason to decree that the day that his wife is working “family day,” and then be passed that she is missing it.

[Anonymous]

The gymnastics this forum does to support whatever decision a stay at home mom makes is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The gymnastics this forum does to support whatever decision a stay at home mom makes is insane.

I don’t think so. If this had been a SAHM complaining that her husband worked weekends, she would be roasted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The gymnastics this forum does to support whatever decision a stay at home mom makes is insane.

I don’t think so. If this had been a SAHM complaining that her husband worked weekends, she would be roasted.

Especially if he worked weekends “just because he liked his job” and didn’t need the money. Or had some hobby that did all weekend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a jerk, but I do agree with the sentiment that this job is not a great idea.

Poor pay, plus poor hours. I wouldn’t want to always have my weekend tied up with work when I have a young child (even if she does happen to not like you). With her hours, it means no date nights, no weekend trips, even no all day trips. Seems like a huge PIA to me. It seems like what she really wants/needs is to get away from you and the child for a while and this is the only avenue she has found.

She does not work every evening. They have 5 nights they could choose from for date night.

Having one parent pick up a job that requires various hours Friday, Saturday and Sunday, every weekend, as their new hobby would be a no for me. Weekends are family time. Her schedule limits what they can do as a family and really puts a damper on weekend plans. If my DH took an every weekend hobby job I’d have a problem with it. She can find a weeknight job or hobby.

This seems rigid. Why can’t family time be Tuesday, and OP shift some of his work to Saturday?

Having weekends available for family time isn’t rigid- it is normal. Week night family isn’t the same. Sometimes parents work late, kids have afternoon activities, and young kids early bedtimes. Having an every weekend job isn’t reasonable IMO when it is purely optional and the income not needed. She is a SAHM and should easily be able to work some time in during the week for her mental health- either on evenings when DH is home, preschool, or a babysitter.

Why can’t Tuesday during the day be family time? Did OP even look into working some of the same hours as his spouse?
Maybe his employer would welcome having someone in the office every Saturday to be available for emergencies. Maybe he has a lot of flexibility in his schedule and could shift some of his work to Saturday.

Their child is two. He doesn’t have school or after school activities. There is no reason to decree that the day that his wife is working “family day,” and then be passed that she is missing it.

Are you suggesting OP just take every Tuesday off of work? WTH. That isn’t reasonable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We really need the OP to come back and clarify if this is the same person who posted the other thread that some have identified. That post dealt with some very different issues including preschool, but if this is the same OP, he is now back trying to get...support? Sympathy? Arguments in his favor he can make to his wife to try to get her to drop this job? All by reframing the issue and leaving out the much bigger and deeper picture of the preschool questions raised in the other thread's initial post. This OP only mentions the wife not wanting a kid in day care, but the other thread goes into how there's more than one kid, and the wife thinks there's no need for preschool (which raises totally different issues) etc. etc.

OP, you need to come clean if you are the OP of that other thread and discuss why you are re-framing this to eliminate aspects, like preschool, and details, like your other child, which are important overall.

If you are NOT the OP of the other thread, fine, but we do need to know. If you re-framed, you really are trying hard to get some support from the total strangers here. That would indicate to me that you and your wife communicate very poorly indeed.

OP here. No that's not me. We have a toddler. No cleaning services.

So, OP, there have been a lot of questions. Are you going to answer any of them?? What is the REAL issue you have with your wife working weekends? Is it that you miss her? Is it that you don't like being a solo parent? Or something else??

.

OP here. I don't think it's helping her career. If she wants to work, I would like her to do something more respectable. I don't feel like it's taking away from family time. Our toddler is happy without her. I take him to the YMCA on Saturdays. We have a standing dinner party with friends every Saturday night. Anyway, she seems to be happy she can contribute to the finances. The above person that went on for never seems crazy, by the way. I couldn't read the whole thing.

Ah, so the real issue is your find your wife’s job embarrassing.

OP no,I just don't see it helping her. It's a dead end job.

Yes, PP was right. You find it embarrassing. What job is "more respectable" thank taking care of your elders??? It isn't taking away from family time, you don't need the money, the toddler is happy, your wife is happy. You are embarrassed that she isn't doing something "intellectual" and making more money (because ... no job reflects well on you to provide for the family, and a high pay job also reflects well on you and your ability to attract and retain a smart, successful wife.