Chubby but beautiful girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I share the same concerns others do. I also want to point out, OP, your choice of your title speaks volumes. What a difference it would have made if your title was "Beautiful girl." The fact is that you're more focused on her weight than anything else.

this. or even beautiful girl, but chubby. Interesting that chubby came first then the long explanations of how she looks.

+1

[Anonymous]

It is such a ridiculous fiction that if you ignore your daughter‘s appearance she won’t become self-conscious. Do you think the daughter doesn’t have a mirror or eyes? I swear sometimes adult women think they invented self-consciousness and can work some magic spell to remove what Nature planted in girls since the beginning of time.

OP, I think it’s a great idea to forbid social media. It’s also great to focus on non-beauty qualities. Unfortunately your best intentions are no match for the tsunami of images about what bodies are beautiful, so daughters are best served with non-looks related hobbies like volunteering, music, cooking, writing, etc. She will probably feel bad about herself at some point because she is a young woman and has a brain, but focus more on dealing constructively with bad feelings than denying the existence of chubbiness or bodies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

This. OP your title says it all. Chubby BUT beautiful. You are focused on her weight.

[Anonymous]

Stop focusing on looks at all. Her looks are no longer part of her self esteem right now. My daughter was always thin & objectively pretty, she was down on her features (hyperfocus) and I showed her in utero images -- even then she was super cute with these sweet little features. This worked for like a day.

Her issues maybe are triggering yours, or you're creating yours in her, in hopes that she can relive it out but with a better outcome (subconsciously).

Looks change with age, looks can change suddenly from all sorts of factors. They are not a good basis for esteem. Enjoy your looks, be she needs to be solid within, and learn to find and connect with her inner self.

The person she sees in the mirror isn't her, it's her interpretation of a reflection. The person other kids see is through their own molded experiences and beliefs, that isn't her either. Would she still be her if she lost her arm? Yes. Appearance is just a costume on who she really is.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPeho said to sit with the idea that she may not slim down or ever become beautiful. That would still be amazing. If you are hoping that her looks change, you are (a big) part of the problem. Who cares what she looks like. Is she kind? Smart? Not addicted to drugs? You win the lottery.

[Anonymous]

OP— since you do the whole “when I was a kid” thing, if I was your shrink, I would tell you that you are so hyper focused on this because you see her as a reflection on you and are afraid that people think less of you because of her weight or appearance. Cut it out. It’s not about you or your childhood. And see an actual shrink.

And beyond the obvious focus on health and not appearance advice, start working on “I love” statements that have nothing to do with appearance. You know, “I love listening to you practice your instrument. It’s nice to hear such beautiful music while I cook dinner”. “I love watching your tennis match. You were so determined and fought for every stroke.” “I love that you went above and beyond to help your little sister without being asked. You are growing into such a thoughtful young lady”.

Who knows— maybe it will help you find a reason to love your kid for herself, and not her hopefully someday shapely figure with striking eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP— since you do the whole “when I was a kid” thing, if I was your shrink, I would tell you that you are so hyper focused on this because you see her as a reflection on you and are afraid that people think less of you because of her weight or appearance. Cut it out. It’s not about you or your childhood. And see an actual shrink.

And beyond the obvious focus on health and not appearance advice, start working on “I love” statements that have nothing to do with appearance. You know, “I love listening to you practice your instrument. It’s nice to hear such beautiful music while I cook dinner”. “I love watching your tennis match. You were so determined and fought for every stroke.” “I love that you went above and beyond to help your little sister without being asked. You are growing into such a thoughtful young lady”.

Who knows— maybe it will help you find a reason to love your kid for herself, and not her hopefully someday shapely figure with striking eyes.

If you are sincere about encouraging OP to seek mental health assistance, you might start by not calling mental health professionals “shrinks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

I’m only going into one aspect of her for this, obviously. I care a lot more that she is a good person - which she is, she’s one of the kindest and most caring people I know. She’s also smart and works hard. She’s a wonderful kid but she has self esteem issues that are entirely related to her looks.

You come off as hyperfocused on looks. Half of what you wrote is unecessary and irrelevant--you did not need to describe her in that much detail. Many young girls feel this way irrespective of how they look, but without the parental focus on it.

This. Why on earth would you add so many details about your OTHER daughter? Not relevant AT ALL about how you support your younger daughter.

[Anonymous]

Thank goodness she’s grow up to be a well proportioned woman.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to snap out of it. Come to terms with the fact that she might not be thin and "well proportioned." She may always carry more weight in her tummy than what you find ideal. She may always be "chubby." You just don't know. So stop focusing on it.

Encourage activity and heathy eating habits as well as not buying junk food, which i doubt you do anyhow. Just know that this isn't something you can control. Her body is hers, not yours. While no one wants their child or young adult to be overweight, there are way worse things in life. Focus on health and acceptance of her as she is and as her body may stay that way.

[Anonymous]

If she raises it as a concern, I would just say something like people grow in different ways at different rates. Lots of kids put on some weight before they get a growth spurt Be active and eat a well balanced diet and that’s the best thing you can do for your health. A lot of Boys at this age are really immature and will say whatever they think will get your goat—don’t give them the satisfaction of getting in your head. You’re great the way you are.

[Anonymous]

Stop focusing on looks. Focus on what your body can do and what you DO and how you treat others, rather than how you look.

[Anonymous]

OP- out of curiosity are you slim now?

[Anonymous]

My mom said comments like that about me. I started purging and doing weird fad diets...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'd dive into some Virginia Sole-Smith. She had a podcast episode recently with a family therapist, and eating disorder expert about a similar concept.

Basically, YOU need to do the hard work to deconstruct all your own fat phobia. You clearly see fat=bad and thin=good. So of course your daughter does as well. This isn't' shaming, most of us have this problem! But it's incredibly damaging to young girls.

Here's a good place to listen, or just read the transcript:

https://virginiasolesmith.substack.com/p/if-my-daughter-wanted-to-eat-healthier?s=r

OP is not fat phobic and there is absolutely nothing in her post that suggests this. There are a lot of posters who are breezily saying she is to focused on looks and there is a very high chance they have never ever had a child who came home and said they were being teased for being fat and in fact, they were overweight.

Right or wrong, in the real world, we still find that being overweight is not well accepted. It’s normal for a parent to worry about this for their child.

A pp mentioned she was chubby and wished her mother had actually taught her better healthy eating and how to exercise. And I was a chubby kid too who wishes the same.

The OPs DD knows she looks different than the other girls and her mom telling her she is beautiful and to ignore those people is not the most helpful advice for a tween. How often do you recall that you were really able to do that as a tween/teen? Few of us really could.

Looking back now I remember talking to my mom and telling her I hated being fat and I was ugly and so on and she would say that I was beautiful and then go on to say how I could lose weight. She wasn’t mean about it and she was well meaning but I realize now what I really needed and wanted was for her to acknowledge and say yeah I bet it does make you feel bad and yeah this is a real struggle it’s hard and those kids are mean and it must hurt your feelings and just let me have negative feelings without trying to fix it in that moment. I think not being able to process the negative emotion probably contributed to me overeating to help make the negative feelings go away.