Chubby but beautiful girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Offs, I wrote about her looks because someone on here inevitably would say something like “some people are just fat and ugly, so she has to learn to live with it”. I’ve never said anything about those aspects of her appearance other than to say that her hair looks nice in a certain style, or tell her she looks great for x occasion. But she is 12 and like most 12yos she cares how she looks and she is conscious of her looks compared to her peers - which is completely typical.

It's the detail and length that everyone is picking up on. Most people would have said "she's quite pretty, but doesn't feel that way" or something similar. Not wax poetic about her unusually large hazel eyes.

+1 The level of detail describing her eyes and lips and body actually made me consider flagging this for Jeff as some sort of pedophilic troll.

[Anonymous]

OP beauty is, truly, in the eye of the beholder. There are lots of people with "intrinsic" good bone structure/pretty hair/nice facial proportions who are not considered pretty- especially not in middle and high school.

Beauty at that age is really about confidence, and carrying yourself with it. Think back to your own school days and who the "pretty" girls were. Were they really that inherently gorgeous or were they confident girls who paid attention to how they looked and what they wore?

My point is that in trying to get her to see her beauty you aren't going to be able to get the other kids to see that too. Your DD needs to leverage her self confidence from other parts of her life and have her focus on that. Because its that very self confidence that will help her present herself in her best light to her friends.

[Anonymous]

Girls would be better served if mothers and others didn't emphasis looks and weight. How about focus on physical health and good mental hygiene as being most important predictor for happiness and not looks?

[Anonymous]

I share the same concerns others do. I also want to point out, OP, your choice of your title speaks volumes. What a difference it would have made if your title was "Beautiful girl." The fact is that you're more focused on her weight than anything else.

[Anonymous]

It's a weird post OP. And that's ok. Sometimes we need to unpack our own stuff in order to really be able to help our kids. I have a 12 year old. I get it. Most of us are just trying really hard and want everything to be ok for them and that totally comes across in your post.

If I was you, I'd talk to a therapist yourself about how you feel about all this and how you can best talk to her. I have done that with issues surrounding one of my kids and it really helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have to join the chorus of posters who think the tone of your post revealed some troubling over-emphasis on looks/beauty. I know you say you don't talk about your daughter that way, but how do you talk about her friends? People on TV? Etc?

Anyway, your expectation that she will be a beautiful woman as an adult has zero to do with how you should talk to her right now. Talk about how she is kind, smart, strong, creative, a great sister/daughter, whatever. Buy her clothes that fit well and give her opportunities to feel confident in her appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12yo has been on the chubby side since she was about 9/10, but I’m pretty sure she is going to slim out with puberty and be a tall, well proportioned woman, not skinny but not overweight. All her excess weight is in her belly. I’m trying very hard to keep her self esteem high because she has been called fat at school, and been bullied. She’s popular and generally a happy kid, but I am worried about her self image. She is not allowed on any social media and we model good habits and I have high self esteem now, though I suffered terribly as a tween/teen and had an eating disorder so I’m quite sensitive about all of this. It doesn’t help that she has a younger sister who is naturally very thin, though that could change as well as she approaches puberty (though they’ve always had different body types).

Eldest dd is a strikingly beautiful girl, with long, thick, wavy blond hair, unusually large hazel eyes with very long lashes, a nice nose, full lips, etc. She will likely be a gorgeous woman. She was an adorable toddler and young child, and often looks at old photos of herself and laments at how cute she used to be.

What are positive words I can say to her to help her get through this awkward stage? She hasn’t really started puberty yet (just starting to get breast buds) so I know the worse awkward stage is still to come…

OP, how will you feel if she doesn't slim out with puberty and become a "tall, well-proportioned woman"? Sit with that for a minute.

[Anonymous]

I'd focus on how healthy her body is. Does she enjoy any physical activity? Wow, your legs are so strong, I bet your cycling has done this! Your shoulders are amazing, swimmers' bodies are so gorgeous. But she needs value somewhere other than looks to have a good self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Op, yes, I agree. You sound hyper focused on looks.

[Anonymous]

Shifting focus. . . what really builds self esteem is doing things successfully. Support her passions, celebrate her successes, give her opportunities to develop leadership skills. Is she into sports, theater, science club, band? Make sure she has lots of these opportunities to develop her self esteem, invest in lessons/camps that match her interests. Say little about her appearance except that she's beautiful inside and out. Throw in an occasional information about how most teens don't feel comfortable in their own skin. Otherwise eat healthy and exercise as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I share the same concerns others do. I also want to point out, OP, your choice of your title speaks volumes. What a difference it would have made if your title was "Beautiful girl." The fact is that you're more focused on her weight than anything else.

this. or even beautiful girl, but chubby. Interesting that chubby came first then the long explanations of how she looks.

[Anonymous]

As a chubby girl myself, I wished my mom had taught me to eat better and how to exercise versus just saying I'll get thinner after puberty. It was something I had to figure out for myself and when I did, I dropped all the weight and managed to never get chubby again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd focus on how healthy her body is. Does she enjoy any physical activity? Wow, your legs are so strong, I bet your cycling has done this! Your shoulders are amazing, swimmers' bodies are so gorgeous. But she needs value somewhere other than looks to have a good self esteem.

Nope, this is still missing the mark.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am with you, I have a son who is the same age, chubby around the middle, who gets teased. I also hope he'll grow out of this stage. We are pushing sports and cook healthy, but there's still sugar in his life. It's hard to know what to say. We want them to be healthy and happy, and when kids make fun of them, it hurts a lot.

I focus on health first and foremost and that's what we tell him. Not weight, not appearance. Health is physical activity, healthy food, balanced screen time, good mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd focus on how healthy her body is. Does she enjoy any physical activity? Wow, your legs are so strong, I bet your cycling has done this! Your shoulders are amazing, swimmers' bodies are so gorgeous. But she needs value somewhere other than looks to have a good self esteem.

Nope, this is still missing the mark.

Agree. To the extent you comment on her body and sports, it should be focused on what her body can do, not on what it looks like. I remember a swimming teammate of mine telling be that when negative body image creeped into her head, she'd remind herself that her body was pretty damn good because it could swim a fast 200 Butterfly.