Chubby but beautiful girl

[Anonymous]

My 12yo has been on the chubby side since she was about 9/10, but I’m pretty sure she is going to slim out with puberty and be a tall, well proportioned woman, not skinny but not overweight. All her excess weight is in her belly. I’m trying very hard to keep her self esteem high because she has been called fat at school, and been bullied. She’s popular and generally a happy kid, but I am worried about her self image. She is not allowed on any social media and we model good habits and I have high self esteem now, though I suffered terribly as a tween/teen and had an eating disorder so I’m quite sensitive about all of this. It doesn’t help that she has a younger sister who is naturally very thin, though that could change as well as she approaches puberty (though they’ve always had different body types).

Eldest dd is a strikingly beautiful girl, with long, thick, wavy blond hair, unusually large hazel eyes with very long lashes, a nice nose, full lips, etc. She will likely be a gorgeous woman. She was an adorable toddler and young child, and often looks at old photos of herself and laments at how cute she used to be.

What are positive words I can say to her to help her get through this awkward stage? She hasn’t really started puberty yet (just starting to get breast buds) so I know the worse awkward stage is still to come…

[Anonymous]

You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

I’m only going into one aspect of her for this, obviously. I care a lot more that she is a good person - which she is, she’s one of the kindest and most caring people I know. She’s also smart and works hard. She’s a wonderful kid but she has self esteem issues that are entirely related to her looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

I’m only going into one aspect of her for this, obviously. I care a lot more that she is a good person - which she is, she’s one of the kindest and most caring people I know. She’s also smart and works hard. She’s a wonderful kid but she has self esteem issues that are entirely related to her looks.

Which she probably got because you seem bizarrely focused on looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

What are you talking about? How much brainpower do you think it takes to write a post on DCUM?
It looks to me like the OP spent a few minutes writing down some of her thoughts on how bullying will affect her daughter’s self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

I’m only going into one aspect of her for this, obviously. I care a lot more that she is a good person - which she is, she’s one of the kindest and most caring people I know. She’s also smart and works hard. She’s a wonderful kid but she has self esteem issues that are entirely related to her looks.

You come off as hyperfocused on looks. Half of what you wrote is unecessary and irrelevant--you did not need to describe her in that much detail. Many young girls feel this way irrespective of how they look, but without the parental focus on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

I’m only going into one aspect of her for this, obviously. I care a lot more that she is a good person - which she is, she’s one of the kindest and most caring people I know. She’s also smart and works hard. She’s a wonderful kid but she has self esteem issues that are entirely related to her looks.

Which she probably got because you seem bizarrely focused on looks.

Again, no, I am not focused on looks. This is a specific post describing one small aspect of our life. She has been called fat by kids at school and she was bullied about other things at a young age which knocked her self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

+1 The detail in your post makes me a little uncomfortable, OP. (And fwiw, I grew up with a mom obsessed with appearance, used to have an eating disorder, and now have an awkward 13 year old girl.) Just try to talk less about appearances overall—yours, hers, other peoples’. Pay attention to her kindness, her intelligence, her talents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem awfully focused on looks. I can't imagine spending that much brain power on describing my daughter's looks, hypothesizing on what a gorgeous woman she will become, etc.

Honestly, I've never thought of my daughter this way. Ever.

I would be careful that you're not projecting this all on your kid.

What are you talking about? How much brainpower do you think it takes to write a post on DCUM?
It looks to me like the OP spent a few minutes writing down some of her thoughts on how bullying will affect her daughter’s self esteem.

She spent one sentence mentioning that, and most of the post talking about how her daughter looks, and how she will likely look in the future. Clearly more than one person thinks she's over the top in her focus on her daughter's appearance.

[Anonymous]

You answered your own question. She's gorgeous and treat her as such. Don't even mention the haters/bullies to her. Don't give them air. If she complains say 'That's weird considering how gorgeous you are, must be having issues at home'. And move on. It'll influence that little voice in her head.

[Anonymous]

Offs, I wrote about her looks because someone on here inevitably would say something like “some people are just fat and ugly, so she has to learn to live with it”. I’ve never said anything about those aspects of her appearance other than to say that her hair looks nice in a certain style, or tell her she looks great for x occasion. But she is 12 and like most 12yos she cares how she looks and she is conscious of her looks compared to her peers - which is completely typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You answered your own question. She's gorgeous and treat her as such. Don't even mention the haters/bullies to her. Don't give them air. If she complains say 'That's weird considering how gorgeous you are, must be having issues at home'. And move on. It'll influence that little voice in her head.

Yeah, that's what she needs. More focus on appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offs, I wrote about her looks because someone on here inevitably would say something like “some people are just fat and ugly, so she has to learn to live with it”. I’ve never said anything about those aspects of her appearance other than to say that her hair looks nice in a certain style, or tell her she looks great for x occasion. But she is 12 and like most 12yos she cares how she looks and she is conscious of her looks compared to her peers - which is completely typical.

It's the detail and length that everyone is picking up on. Most people would have said "she's quite pretty, but doesn't feel that way" or something similar. Not wax poetic about her unusually large hazel eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offs, I wrote about her looks because someone on here inevitably would say something like “some people are just fat and ugly, so she has to learn to live with it”. I’ve never said anything about those aspects of her appearance other than to say that her hair looks nice in a certain style, or tell her she looks great for x occasion. But she is 12 and like most 12yos she cares how she looks and she is conscious of her looks compared to her peers - which is completely typical.

Even the first sent of your OP is so super-weird. Your pretty sure she’s going to grow into a well-proportioned woman, not too fat, not too skinny? Something is off about you.

[Anonymous]

Not to pile on, but I had the same reaction as pps. OP, how do you talk about your own looks and weight and that of other people? Are you modeling the mindset that you want your daughter to have?

Celebrate Your Body might be a good book to share with your kid.