Friends taking a long time before replying to invitation to meet up - reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Retire the word "sometime" from your vocabulary. You're using to try to be flexible, but they see it as "no specific date? Great, I don't have to answer this RIGHT NOW."

You're right. This is why I suggested this coming weekend or the following weekend to the friend I saw in the street.

Yes, I try to be flexible because these ladies work full time in an office Monday to Friday, so their timetable is rigid and I know their weekends are busy and precious. My work is very different to theirs and my timetable is not as rigid.

I obviously do NOT expect them to be free during the week.

I'm curious about this though - is it rude to ask WFH friends to meet up for lunch or coffee? I do that all the time during the week but twice friends have said a horrifying 'No' like I suggested they be eaten by alligators.

It’s not rude, but they may not have time. I work from home. I hardly have the time to have coffees with friends. I have virtual coffees with colleagues the day, or take a break to exercise. But it would take a mental switch for me to go have a coffee with a friend not related to my work, and unless the coffee shop or the friend live right next door, it’s going to take at least an hour of my time. No way, it’s a 30 minute thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

She wasn’t indecisive- she was passive and noncommittal and probably never wanted to go, all of which, yes, is rude. But your expectations of her were too high. You need to learn to completely let people like this go, rather than doubling down on trying to make them commit.

OP again.
It was actually our friends' own suggestion to get together for dinner sometime. I had initially suggested to meet for coffee and she suggested dinner instead.

I get why she prefers to stay at her partner's place at weekends. She's in the middle of a home renovation project and her living room is a building site and she finds it hard to relax in her house.
But why wait so long to decide. And leave us waiting when it was her idea to go out for dinner in the first place ...

So lesson here is easy. You don’t wait around for this person. And maybe when she says “we should get dinner!”, she’s one of those people who says stuff and doesn’t follow thru. Let it go, really, and don’t count on her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

I'm so sorry but I think it's time to move on from this "friend". I wouldn't reach out anymore, it doesn't seem like she's interested in actually getting together. This has happened to me before and it stings for sure. I'm sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's their age and they are more into phone calls.

Not sure. One woman I texted is very active on social media (mainly Facebook) so she is used to virtual interaction with others.

I'm not on Facebook, Twitter, etc.

Maybe she just doesn't want to socialize with you? Not to be mean, but if someone is repeatedly not responding or flaky, I would take that as they are not interested in being friends.

I also think your approach of "sometime" doesn't work either - you are putting the onus on the friend to make the plans, which is rude on your part TBH. Offer a firm date & place (or two) and let them respond to that. People are busy and don't have time to come up with ideas and dates, etc. Especially if they aren't that interested in meeting up in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

She doesn't want to be friends with you!!! Leave her alone!! Three texts is way too many. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

It's not a "saga," you psycho. You're a bean-counting Desperado and she wants to be rid of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make any long-term assumptions about these friendships based on their non-responses to your VERY vague inquiries during a major COVID surge. Like maybe they don't really want to head out to a restaurant right now until they see the cases really plummet. And before you say "well i know they went to blah blah blah inside" some of us are not drawing hard lines but instead pushing stuff off that doesn't feel urgent (i.e. coffee date that can just as easily happen in Feb or March).

My husband has a friend who reaches out in the way that's similar to you...like saying "Drinks sometime??" dozens of times my DH will text back and be like, sure, what works for you, or here's my availability, and friend takes forever to actually nail down a date/time/place, frequently cancels or is late, etc... so if they feel like after these vague texts, it's going to be on them to nail down a time, place, etc.. it may feel like too much work to negotiate over text.

Definitely try the (i'll be out and about running errands in your area on Saturday, want to meet up for coffee or a walk around 3pm?".

You're not worth an evening out/dinner to her. She can tolerate you as a coffee friend. You're not a weekend dinner-level friend to her. MOVE ON. Or just accept the biscuits she'll toss you of the occasional coffee if she's got nothing better to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

It's not a "saga," you psycho. You're a bean-counting Desperado and she wants to be rid of you.

So how do you explain the fact that she herself made a point of saying 'the four of us should get together for dinner soon'? She said it voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

It's not a "saga," you psycho. You're a bean-counting Desperado and she wants to be rid of you.

So how do you explain the fact that she herself made a point of saying 'the four of us should get together for dinner soon'? She said it voluntarily.

Because, like it or not, that's Polite Vague Talk that lots of people engage in. I have an aunt who lives near me; she has a neighbor who works at the same large employer that I do. I had lunch on campus once with this very nice older lady, and it was a pleasant experience. Now, when we bump into each other on campus, we say hello and if someone throws out a "we should have coffee sometime," it's just chitchat. If someone says, "We should have coffee next week--how's Tuesday for you?" that's a PLAN.

Or maybe she did genuinely want to have dinner as couples, but when she mentioned it to her husband, he said, "Hell no, I hate Sally--she talks too much and seems oddly desperate." Do you get it?

She's Just Not That Into You. If she wanted to see you, she'd either suggest a plan or would accept one of your overtures. She probably sees you as a pleasant third-tier friend. Get over it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

It's not a "saga," you psycho. You're a bean-counting Desperado and she wants to be rid of you.

So how do you explain the fact that she herself made a point of saying 'the four of us should get together for dinner soon'? She said it voluntarily.

She probably said it to appease you in the moment and get away as quickly as possible. You sound obsessed, a bit. Time to move on and leave her alone. If she wants to be friends with you, she will reach out at some point. You sound suffocating.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, yet again.
Many of you think I should move on and/or find new friends. Others think I send too many texts and I should wait for the other person to make the next move. Someone actually called me a psycho ... wow and LOL.

Let me tell you something. DH and I live in a small town. Semi-rural is the best way to describe it. We moved here from a big, vibrant, cosmopolitan city 16 years ago.
Some people say they feel lonely in a big city. I have to say that I found socializing far, far easier in the big city we lived in than here. We went out more, got together with friends more often, drinks with co-workers after work, etc. Social life was just easier.
Here, by contrast, trying to get together with someone for coffee or a meal is like pulling teeth.

The people I'm texting are mid/late 50s, early 60s so not elderly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, yet again.
Many of you think I should move on and/or find new friends. Others think I send too many texts and I should wait for the other person to make the next move. Someone actually called me a psycho ... wow and LOL.

Let me tell you something. DH and I live in a small town. Semi-rural is the best way to describe it. We moved here from a big, vibrant, cosmopolitan city 16 years ago.
Some people say they feel lonely in a big city. I have to say that I found socializing far, far easier in the big city we lived in than here. We went out more, got together with friends more often, drinks with co-workers after work, etc. Social life was just easier.
Here, by contrast, trying to get together with someone for coffee or a meal is like pulling teeth.

The people I'm texting are mid/late 50s, early 60s so not elderly!

Culture clash? Perhaps life in a small town is not for you OP!

[Anonymous]

Sounds hard Op. If I were you, I'd travel. Visit somewhere. Travel solo or group tours if DH doesn't go. Make friends you can meet-up with in the larger, wider world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, yet again.
Many of you think I should move on and/or find new friends. Others think I send too many texts and I should wait for the other person to make the next move. Someone actually called me a psycho ... wow and LOL.

Let me tell you something. DH and I live in a small town. Semi-rural is the best way to describe it. We moved here from a big, vibrant, cosmopolitan city 16 years ago.
Some people say they feel lonely in a big city. I have to say that I found socializing far, far easier in the big city we lived in than here. We went out more, got together with friends more often, drinks with co-workers after work, etc. Social life was just easier.
Here, by contrast, trying to get together with someone for coffee or a meal is like pulling teeth.

The people I'm texting are mid/late 50s, early 60s so not elderly!

I’m sorry OP. I don’t know why people are being mean to you. It’s hard when the friends you want to hang out with seem to not care as much about hanging out with you. I would recommend cooling off on these friends for a bit and letting them initiate next time. And maybe get involved in community events or classes to find a new crowd.

[Anonymous]

^ Also agree with the post above mine. Plan some weekends away with your DH