Friends taking a long time before replying to invitation to meet up - reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

Wow, stalker. You know your friend's routine, and you are the objective arbiter of her energy level and how she should spend her time?

You. Are. Psycho. So glad I dropped hyper-needy friends like you at the beginning of COVID. I used to humor them by relegating them to coffee dates. Wouldn't bother with them for a dinner or on a weekend...you know, like how your friend is keeping you to coffee instead of dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this though - is it rude to ask WFH friends to meet up for lunch or coffee? I do that all the time during the week but twice friends have said a horrifying 'No' like I suggested they be eaten by alligators.

^^
I'm not sure that it's rude, but it's highly unlikely that someone will say yes. I mean, no, I have never left the office to have coffee with someone. There are probably a couple of occasions where I would have done a lunch, but it would be rushed and certainly not a time to sit and chat for long, and it would have to be within 5 mins of my office. People are really busy.

Really? Is this typical? You have NEVER met someone for coffee during the work day or had lunch more than a couple times? Maybe only because I worked in a very central location but I'd make an effort to have coffee break 1x/week wiht someone...

[Anonymous]

The renovation could be driving her crazy. But you need to back off this friendship a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this though - is it rude to ask WFH friends to meet up for lunch or coffee? I do that all the time during the week but twice friends have said a horrifying 'No' like I suggested they be eaten by alligators.

^^
I'm not sure that it's rude, but it's highly unlikely that someone will say yes. I mean, no, I have never left the office to have coffee with someone. There are probably a couple of occasions where I would have done a lunch, but it would be rushed and certainly not a time to sit and chat for long, and it would have to be within 5 mins of my office. People are really busy.

Really? Is this typical? You have NEVER met someone for coffee during the work day or had lunch more than a couple times? Maybe only because I worked in a very central location but I'd make an effort to have coffee break 1x/week wiht someone...

NP. Some of us work. And when we get coffee or lunch, it’s with colleagues. But if an acquaintance is a squeaky wheel, sure, I’ll do a coffee. Not wasting a dinner.

[Anonymous]

N.P. Wow, lots of antisocial people on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

Wow, stalker. You know your friend's routine, and you are the objective arbiter of her energy level and how she should spend her time?

You. Are. Psycho. So glad I dropped hyper-needy friends like you at the beginning of COVID. I used to humor them by relegating them to coffee dates. Wouldn't bother with them for a dinner or on a weekend...you know, like how your friend is keeping you to coffee instead of dinner?

Why did you bother to relegate them to coffee dates? I mean, if you didn't like them much, why bother at all and waste everybody's precious time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

Wow, stalker. You know your friend's routine, and you are the objective arbiter of her energy level and how she should spend her time?

You. Are. Psycho. So glad I dropped hyper-needy friends like you at the beginning of COVID. I used to humor them by relegating them to coffee dates. Wouldn't bother with them for a dinner or on a weekend...you know, like how your friend is keeping you to coffee instead of dinner?

Why did you bother to relegate them to coffee dates? I mean, if you didn't like them much, why bother at all and waste everybody's precious time?

Pity, and just to get them off my back.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.


OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

That's great and I hope you have fun. However, I suspect you will be back in the same boat with this person in the future. If you are going to keep getting together with them, you are going to have to not let this bother you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

She doesnt find her routine too hard to get out of lol - she prefers spending her Sundays in her yard over spending her Sunday with you. You are not a priority to her OP. It’s ok but let it go.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is rude. There are all kinds of rude people.

I have 3 kids and they are still young so I need to juggle everything with my spouse. I still find time to meet.

People often say we should hang out. I say this all the time, that we should get coffee or have a play date with the kids. With some people, we just keep saying this and it never happens. For others, it seems easier to coordinate.

I’m not in my 50s yet. My parents are in their 70s. They see friends less and less. I think it often has to do with health problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

She doesnt find her routine too hard to get out of lol - she prefers spending her Sundays in her yard over spending her Sunday with you. You are not a priority to her OP. It’s ok but let it go.

Exactly this! I could do many things with many people. I choose not to. And yes, sometimes hard work sounds better than brunch with certain people. I choose how to spend my time and energy, and it’s no one else’s business. I don’t have to justify it to anyone. Do you get that, OP?

[Anonymous]

You monitor your friend’s weekend activities, and judge her preferences on how to spend her own free time as “rigid”?

I get why your friends keep you at arm’s length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

It's not a "saga," you psycho. You're a bean-counting Desperado and she wants to be rid of you.

So how do you explain the fact that she herself made a point of saying 'the four of us should get together for dinner soon'? She said it voluntarily.

I've done this and instantly regretted it. I'm an introvert. In the moment it sounded like fun, but the reality is I'd rather just stay home in my pj's. It's not you, it's me. Very close friends know this about me and say "We're going to dinner tomorrow and you're coming, we've already talked to B (my spouse)". And then the day of I'll say "but I really want to stay home in pj's".
And this is for very close friends I'm in contact with all the time, and always have a great time with once I'm there, and we talk about everything.

For more casual relationships, nope, I'm staying home in pj's. Even if I said randomly "let's get together for dinner sometime".

It's not personal. Move on. Find someone else that really will jump at the chance for a nice dinner out and loves to plan in advance (also not me).