Friends taking a long time before replying to invitation to meet up - reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, yet again.
Many of you think I should move on and/or find new friends. Others think I send too many texts and I should wait for the other person to make the next move. Someone actually called me a psycho ... wow and LOL.

Let me tell you something. DH and I live in a small town. Semi-rural is the best way to describe it. We moved here from a big, vibrant, cosmopolitan city 16 years ago.
Some people say they feel lonely in a big city. I have to say that I found socializing far, far easier in the big city we lived in than here. We went out more, got together with friends more often, drinks with co-workers after work, etc. Social life was just easier.
Here, by contrast, trying to get together with someone for coffee or a meal is like pulling teeth.

The people I'm texting are mid/late 50s, early 60s so not elderly!

I grew up rural...people are different. I think you are trying to fit square pegs into round holes. You obviously miss the hustle and bustle of the big cosmopolitan town and these people like sitting home on Saturday nights and are happy there. They aren't being mean to you, they are just different. You can't force it. I think you miss the big city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You monitor your friend’s weekend activities, and judge her preferences on how to spend her own free time as “rigid”?

I get why your friends keep you at arm’s length.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

She doesnt find her routine too hard to get out of lol - she prefers spending her Sundays in her yard over spending her Sunday with you. You are not a priority to her OP. It’s ok but let it go.

Exactly this! I could do many things with many people. I choose not to. And yes, sometimes hard work sounds better than brunch with certain people. I choose how to spend my time and energy, and it’s no one else’s business. I don’t have to justify it to anyone. Do you get that, OP?

Calm down, dear. You sound stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You monitor your friend’s weekend activities, and judge her preferences on how to spend her own free time as “rigid”?

I get why your friends keep you at arm’s length.

+1

+2. I would run, not walk away from you. I have plenty of friends, and I would tolerate the watchful judginess. Life is short, I don’t have time for that crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

I actually think it’s cool that they have that routine and built-in time for togetherness, physical exercise and fresh air. Not to mention saving money since those landscapers gouge you. Maybe I will implement that myself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

She doesnt find her routine too hard to get out of lol - she prefers spending her Sundays in her yard over spending her Sunday with you. You are not a priority to her OP. It’s ok but let it go.

Exactly this! I could do many things with many people. I choose not to. And yes, sometimes hard work sounds better than brunch with certain people. I choose how to spend my time and energy, and it’s no one else’s business. I don’t have to justify it to anyone. Do you get that, OP?

Calm down, dear. You sound stressed.

Oh no, someone identified herself as a pushy Desperado, and doesn’t like knowing that her friends avoid her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, yet again.
Many of you think I should move on and/or find new friends. Others think I send too many texts and I should wait for the other person to make the next move. Someone actually called me a psycho ... wow and LOL.

Let me tell you something. DH and I live in a small town. Semi-rural is the best way to describe it. We moved here from a big, vibrant, cosmopolitan city 16 years ago.
Some people say they feel lonely in a big city. I have to say that I found socializing far, far easier in the big city we lived in than here. We went out more, got together with friends more often, drinks with co-workers after work, etc. Social life was just easier.
Here, by contrast, trying to get together with someone for coffee or a meal is like pulling teeth.

The people I'm texting are mid/late 50s, early 60s so not elderly!

I grew up rural...people are different. I think you are trying to fit square pegs into round holes. You obviously miss the hustle and bustle of the big cosmopolitan town and these people like sitting home on Saturday nights and are happy there. They aren't being mean to you, they are just different. You can't force it. I think you miss the big city.

There is some truth in this. I certainly miss some aspects of big city life.

Don't get me wrong. This small town is pretty, clean and safe. Small enough to walk to local amenities. Easy access to hiking trails, etc. Great place to raise a family. Low crime rates. Cheaper real estate.

When we lived in a big city socializing was much easier. I'd arrange to get together with friends without having to send texts back and forth over a period of 2 weeks! Going out for drinks with co-workers after work was decided within minutes, usually on the same day.

Here people's lives are more family dominated. A lot of people here seem to have relatives who live nearby (or within a short driving distance).
We don't.
People here are very friendly but a lot of them are part of long established friendship groups way before we moved here.

[Anonymous]

There are people who are homebodies. Some people genuinely may just want to stay home. They may not want to get dressed and ready. They have other problems. They may not like you that much, maybe not necessarily dislike you but don’t like you a lot.

In a large city, there are more people and more options. Assuming the number of people you can hang out with is less and less options and things to do.

I like to be out and about but I know not everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, yet again.
Many of you think I should move on and/or find new friends. Others think I send too many texts and I should wait for the other person to make the next move. Someone actually called me a psycho ... wow and LOL.

Let me tell you something. DH and I live in a small town. Semi-rural is the best way to describe it. We moved here from a big, vibrant, cosmopolitan city 16 years ago.
Some people say they feel lonely in a big city. I have to say that I found socializing far, far easier in the big city we lived in than here. We went out more, got together with friends more often, drinks with co-workers after work, etc. Social life was just easier.
Here, by contrast, trying to get together with someone for coffee or a meal is like pulling teeth.

The people I'm texting are mid/late 50s, early 60s so not elderly!

I grew up rural...people are different. I think you are trying to fit square pegs into round holes. You obviously miss the hustle and bustle of the big cosmopolitan town and these people like sitting home on Saturday nights and are happy there. They aren't being mean to you, they are just different. You can't force it. I think you miss the big city.

There is some truth in this. I certainly miss some aspects of big city life.

Don't get me wrong. This small town is pretty, clean and safe. Small enough to walk to local amenities. Easy access to hiking trails, etc. Great place to raise a family. Low crime rates. Cheaper real estate.

When we lived in a big city socializing was much easier. I'd arrange to get together with friends without having to send texts back and forth over a period of 2 weeks! Going out for drinks with co-workers after work was decided within minutes, usually on the same day.

Here people's lives are more family dominated. A lot of people here seem to have relatives who live nearby (or within a short driving distance).
We don't.
People here are very friendly but a lot of them are part of long established friendship groups way before we moved here.

It’s almost as if they choose to spend their time and energy and with close friends rather than clingy new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude of them. But that being said, you can't change them. I think you need to focus your efforts on others who may be interested in actually following through on meeting up.

OP here. The friend who didn't want to get together for dinner with us last weekend suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow. Guess what, she has just texted me to say she definitely wants to meet up with us tomorrow and catch up over coffee. Hurray!
I'm really glad she's coming out with us but I find it takes us a lot of effort to get people to meet up with us.

I also think some people are stuck in their ways. Another woman recently declined my invitation to get together because she was 'busy'. I know she has a weekly routine she finds hard to get out of, including her weekends. She and her DH work in their yard every single Sunday. There is no flexibility.
DH and I are more flexible in our approach and our life is not as regimented (apart from our jobs).

I actually think it’s cool that they have that routine and built-in time for togetherness, physical exercise and fresh air. Not to mention saving money since those landscapers gouge you. Maybe I will implement that myself!

another vote for now considering spending a day outside every weekend enjoying nature, peace, quiet, exercise. sorry OP, for a lot of us, this is a better use of time than meeting your demands for brunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are people who are homebodies. Some people genuinely may just want to stay home. They may not want to get dressed and ready. They have other problems. They may not like you that much, maybe not necessarily dislike you but don’t like you a lot.

In a large city, there are more people and more options. Assuming the number of people you can hang out with is less and less options and things to do.

I like to be out and about but I know not everyone does.

In a small town the pool of potential friends is smaller. We moved from a city of millions to a town with a population of about 20,000. As I mentioned in a previous post, people here are friendly and courteous but the way of life is just different.
They spend more time doing stuff with close relatives and people they've known for decades. When you're new in a big city you meet other people who are new, or expats, and socializing is easier.