Friends taking a long time before replying to invitation to meet up - reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

There doesn't seem to be a 'Friends' forum so I'm posting here.

I texted a friend 9 days ago and I asked if she would like to meet up for coffee with me sometime, and to let me know when she is available in the next couple weeks. No reply. I texted her again on Sunday. Still no reply. I've known this person for more than 15 years, she lives 10 minutes away, but we're not super close.

I also texted another friend recently and I invited her to meet up for coffee sometime. I saw her in the street a couple days later. She said that she had read my text and she suggested we all meet up together for dinner in town (the friend, her partner, me and DH).
No date was set.
I texted her last Friday and I asked if they're this free this coming weekend or the next.
No reply so far.

DH and I are early 50s and early 60s. Friends are late 50s, early 60s, so childcare is not an obstacle.
I get it if they're busy or if their weekends are full, but I'd prefer them to tell us so that we can make alternative plans.

[Anonymous]

No. It’s rude. They should at least respond about needing time to answer.

[Anonymous]

Retire the word "sometime" from your vocabulary. You're using to try to be flexible, but they see it as "no specific date? Great, I don't have to answer this RIGHT NOW."

[Anonymous]

Agree re stop saying “sometime.” A text that says “can we meet up sometime” hardly requires a response. That’s not an invitation. At all. Say, “would you and Larlo like to join Ted and me for dinner on Saturday?” That’s an invitation.

[Anonymous]

Agree you should start being more definite with plans, but this is still rude. I give people a LOT of grace these days because of Covid and just everything being stressful, but I can't imagine letting two friendly texts go by without a response. And I'm bad at checking my phone and replying to texts! But I assumed based on the thread title that you were talking about a few days, not weeks and multiple texts. I'd re-evaluate that friendship. Don't drop it necessarily (maybe they are just not in a great place right now) but don't expend a lot of energy on it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, get specific. They are weighing other things they have going on and since your offer is so flexible it can be moved the most. But it also means it falls off their radar.

But I will say, if they routinely don't respond, they may not want to spend time with you. Put the ball back in their court "hey, I get that you're busy, let me know if you find a good time, I'd love to see you!".

[Anonymous]

It's rude of them not to respond but I agree you need to be more direct. Say "would you like to meet me for coffee at XYZ location at XYZ time/date?" That way they can check their calendar and either say yes or maybe if that time/date doesn't work for them they could suggest a different date/time. I think how open-ended your communication was means that they don't feel they need to respond, although if I got a text like that from a friend/acquaintance I'd definitely respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Retire the word "sometime" from your vocabulary. You're using to try to be flexible, but they see it as "no specific date? Great, I don't have to answer this RIGHT NOW."

You're right. This is why I suggested this coming weekend or the following weekend to the friend I saw in the street.

Yes, I try to be flexible because these ladies work full time in an office Monday to Friday, so their timetable is rigid and I know their weekends are busy and precious. My work is very different to theirs and my timetable is not as rigid.

I obviously do NOT expect them to be free during the week.

[Anonymous]

Firm it up: "Would you like to have coffee next Friday? Let me know if another day works better."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Retire the word "sometime" from your vocabulary. You're using to try to be flexible, but they see it as "no specific date? Great, I don't have to answer this RIGHT NOW."

You're right. This is why I suggested this coming weekend or the following weekend to the friend I saw in the street.

Yes, I try to be flexible because these ladies work full time in an office Monday to Friday, so their timetable is rigid and I know their weekends are busy and precious. My work is very different to theirs and my timetable is not as rigid.

I obviously do NOT expect them to be free during the week.

I'm curious about this though - is it rude to ask WFH friends to meet up for lunch or coffee? I do that all the time during the week but twice friends have said a horrifying 'No' like I suggested they be eaten by alligators.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Retire the word "sometime" from your vocabulary. You're using to try to be flexible, but they see it as "no specific date? Great, I don't have to answer this RIGHT NOW."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, get specific. They are weighing other things they have going on and since your offer is so flexible it can be moved the most. But it also means it falls off their radar.

But I will say, if they routinely don't respond, they may not want to spend time with you. Put the ball back in their court "hey, I get that you're busy, let me know if you find a good time, I'd love to see you!".

I'm OP.
The friend who suggested going out for dinner is usually a bit slow to respond to texts but she means well.

The other woman has a history of not replying, or replying only after I remind/chase her. She has a habit of replying in bursts.
She's also very active on social media (we are not) and I suspect it takes up a lot of her time.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever call these friends, OP? Why the reliance on text?

[Anonymous]

I have to say this happens to me more than I’d like. It’s hard not to take it personally. I generally have assumed that people just aren’t they into me if they don’t respond. I might try one more time, but if it doesn’t work, I stop asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever call these friends, OP? Why the reliance on text?

This is OP here.
I prefer to text because I know they're working on weekdays and I don't want to disturb them when they're at work. I know they're quite busy at weekends so I text and they can reply when they are able to.