Friends taking a long time before replying to invitation to meet up - reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

It's rude.

If you want to make these friendships work, try one more time with a specific date.

If crickets, you need to just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever call these friends, OP? Why the reliance on text?

This is OP here.
I prefer to text because I know they're working on weekdays and I don't want to disturb them when they're at work. I know they're quite busy at weekends so I text and they can reply when they are able to.

You say this but here you are complaining about when they are actually able to reply.

I know, but I didn't think it would take them that long to reply. How long does it take to send a short message back saying 'I'm a bit busy right now, I'll get back to you later in the week', or something.
It takes 30 seconds to type.

If you want to talk to someone, hook up with someone make a phone call.

[Anonymous]

It’s rude but I have to wonder if they aren’t avid texting people? Maybe 50/60 Your old people prefer phone calls and that’s a better way of putting them down for communication.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't make any long-term assumptions about these friendships based on their non-responses to your VERY vague inquiries during a major COVID surge. Like maybe they don't really want to head out to a restaurant right now until they see the cases really plummet. And before you say "well i know they went to blah blah blah inside" some of us are not drawing hard lines but instead pushing stuff off that doesn't feel urgent (i.e. coffee date that can just as easily happen in Feb or March).

My husband has a friend who reaches out in the way that's similar to you...like saying "Drinks sometime??" dozens of times my DH will text back and be like, sure, what works for you, or here's my availability, and friend takes forever to actually nail down a date/time/place, frequently cancels or is late, etc... so if they feel like after these vague texts, it's going to be on them to nail down a time, place, etc.. it may feel like too much work to negotiate over text.

Definitely try the (i'll be out and about running errands in your area on Saturday, want to meet up for coffee or a walk around 3pm?".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s rude but I have to wonder if they aren’t avid texting people? Maybe 50/60 Your old people prefer phone calls and that’s a better way of putting them down for communication.

40s and I prefer a call. It's just easier for me and sometimes I wait to text respond because I want to check in with spouse/schedule but I don't text that. I am really guilty of forgetting to respond/confirm despite getting nervous when I don't hear back from someone in 2 seconds. This is the worst thing about me but I do apologize profusely when I notice my blunder and fix things by taking the ball in my court. Everything is much easier with a call and I answer 90% of the time but I have an older friend who would rather die than talk on the phone but she texts/responds quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make any long-term assumptions about these friendships based on their non-responses to your VERY vague inquiries during a major COVID surge. Like maybe they don't really want to head out to a restaurant right now until they see the cases really plummet. And before you say "well i know they went to blah blah blah inside" some of us are not drawing hard lines but instead pushing stuff off that doesn't feel urgent (i.e. coffee date that can just as easily happen in Feb or March).

My husband has a friend who reaches out in the way that's similar to you...like saying "Drinks sometime??" dozens of times my DH will text back and be like, sure, what works for you, or here's my availability, and friend takes forever to actually nail down a date/time/place, frequently cancels or is late, etc... so if they feel like after these vague texts, it's going to be on them to nail down a time, place, etc.. it may feel like too much work to negotiate over text.

Definitely try the (i'll be out and about running errands in your area on Saturday, want to meet up for coffee or a walk around 3pm?".

OP here. I know the women I texted get together for choir practice once a week. About half of the people in our friends group are members of the local choir. DH and I are not. It's not our thing.

Last night I texted the second friend in my first post and asked if she and her partner want to get together for dinner in town tomorrow night or Saturday night.
Let's wait and see if she responds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make any long-term assumptions about these friendships based on their non-responses to your VERY vague inquiries during a major COVID surge. Like maybe they don't really want to head out to a restaurant right now until they see the cases really plummet. And before you say "well i know they went to blah blah blah inside" some of us are not drawing hard lines but instead pushing stuff off that doesn't feel urgent (i.e. coffee date that can just as easily happen in Feb or March).

My husband has a friend who reaches out in the way that's similar to you...like saying "Drinks sometime??" dozens of times my DH will text back and be like, sure, what works for you, or here's my availability, and friend takes forever to actually nail down a date/time/place, frequently cancels or is late, etc... so if they feel like after these vague texts, it's going to be on them to nail down a time, place, etc.. it may feel like too much work to negotiate over text.

Definitely try the (i'll be out and about running errands in your area on Saturday, want to meet up for coffee or a walk around 3pm?".

OP here. I know the women I texted get together for choir practice once a week. About half of the people in our friends group are members of the local choir. DH and I are not. It's not our thing.

Last night I texted the second friend in my first post and asked if she and her partner want to get together for dinner in town tomorrow night or Saturday night.
Let's wait and see if she responds.

I hope she responds soon and affirmatively. Come back and update us, OP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Retire the word "sometime" from your vocabulary. You're using to try to be flexible, but they see it as "no specific date? Great, I don't have to answer this RIGHT NOW."

Also, it’s not unheard of to say “sometime” when you don’t really want to meet up! So they may be unsure of how much you really want to get together?

[Anonymous]

I am late 40s and do prefer text or email. I find some people do not respond well when I say that due to the Covid surge we are not really doing things indoors. I also don't like to share medical information about why so while I used to be a direct person, these days i just ignore. There are people I truly like who are just too forceful with their covid opinions and even guilt trips if I decline too often. Easier to ignore and then text in a few months when I am available.

I have learned to just let it go if I don't hear back and move on to someone else.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

[Anonymous]

I personally find it rude to not answer a text, especially one asking a question.

I would just stop reaching out to them & let them contact me if they are serious about meeting up.

[Anonymous]

I think your answer is clearly "no" they don't want to meet for a coffee. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

She wasn’t indecisive- she was passive and noncommittal and probably never wanted to go, all of which, yes, is rude. But your expectations of her were too high. You need to learn to completely let people like this go, rather than doubling down on trying to make them commit.

[Anonymous]

Just clarifying something, np here. It's not rude to not want to get together. At a specific time or ever. That's fine. People are entitled to a preference. And no explanation is needed.

What can become rude is the communication. Avoidance, mixed messages, confusing the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. The saga goes on ...

Last Thursday I texted the friend I had seen in the street about 2 weeks earlier, and who had said it would be fun to get together for dinner, meaning the friend herself, her partner, me and DH.

Last Thursday's text was the third (!) I'd sent her asking if they wanted to go out for dinner with us at the weekend (last Friday or Saturday) and if so, I would book a table. Until then I had only received vague answers from her.
She replied on Thursday night saying she still hadn't made up her mind about the weekend and she couldn't decide if she'd be in town or stay at her partner's place which is 1.5 hours away.
In her text she said DH and I should make alternative plans for the weekend and let's meet for coffee the following weekend.

I'm felt really irritated that it took me 3 (!) texts, for her to leave us waiting and to call it off at the last minute.
By the time I tried to book a table for just DH and me, our preferred time slots were all taken.

Why are people so indecisive? They are adults, not kids. Why can't they make a decision about something so simple?
All this dilly dallying ... sometimes I want to give up on trying to socialize.

She wasn’t indecisive- she was passive and noncommittal and probably never wanted to go, all of which, yes, is rude. But your expectations of her were too high. You need to learn to completely let people like this go, rather than doubling down on trying to make them commit.

OP again.
It was actually our friends' own suggestion to get together for dinner sometime. I had initially suggested to meet for coffee and she suggested dinner instead.

I get why she prefers to stay at her partner's place at weekends. She's in the middle of a home renovation project and her living room is a building site and she finds it hard to relax in her house.
But why wait so long to decide. And leave us waiting when it was her idea to go out for dinner in the first place ...