I got POA of mother because brothers are Aholes!

[Anonymous]

My 80 yr old mother suffered a stroke and needed to be moved into an AL. I researched and toured facilities for the 3 weeks she was in hospital and rehab. Meanwhile my two brothers wanted to place her in a disgusting facility down the street from their homes. $2000 a month, shared rooms and bathrooms. My moms estate is over 2 million, also has monthly income of about 9k. I found her a beautiful AL apt overlooking the bay 15mts from my brothers. My mom fell again in her AL apt, back in hospital/rehab. I was at a loss of how to keep her safe and even looked into nursing homes but her being of sound mind I just couldn’t. She cried and wanted to go back to her AL apt because she had already made so many new friends. I told her she would need private caregivers with her there to prevent the falls that would eventually lead to her death. I had attorney meet us at her rehab to execute my POA per her wishes because my brothers were having “strokes” over the extra monthly costs now totaling 13k. They both work in the family business my parents started and have access to all her bank accounts and assets. I don’t so I have to send the invoices to them to pay and it never fails I start getting snarky messages from them in group text. “At this rate her money isn’t going to last long!” They also send my mom texts that I’m overspending on her cc insinuating that I’m buying things for myself which stresses my mom out. I use her cc for her monthly necessities. Fyi I’m married to a multi millionaire and use my money to buy her groceries and frivolous girly things like clothes, perfumes, jewelry just to make her happy. I’m so sick of having to go thru them to pay her expenses I’m going to add my name on her accts and deny them access. I know this is going to create a shitshow but what other options do I have?

[Anonymous]

Can you have access for the accounts transferred to you? It sounds as if your mother is still competent to express her wishes and you are trying to fulfill them as best possible, and you have POA. It makes sense for you to be able to access the finances without having to go through your brothers. You may have to involve the attorney again, i'm sorry I am not a legal expert.

I always consider the money my parents have saved to be first and foremost for their care in their elderly years and want them to be a comfortable and happy as possible. I would be annoyed with sibling "nickel and diming" home health aide costs, etc. or wanting to save money on nursing homes. In general you get what you pay for with those kinds of places/services.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

When they say there won’t be anything left, they are saying they don’t want your mom to spend her money because there will be less left for them.

Trust your instincts. You are doing a great job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

When they say there won’t be anything left, they are saying they don’t want your mom to spend her money because there will be less left for them.

Trust your instincts. You are doing a great job.

I'm the prior poster and I had the same thought- they don't want to spend the money because they want to eventually inherit. I agree you are doing a great job, do what you have to do to take care of your mom, even though they will pitch a fit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

When they say there won’t be anything left, they are saying they don’t want your mom to spend her money because there will be less left for them.

Trust your instincts. You are doing a great job.

+1

Just went thru something similar, but not nearly as egregious with my brother (parents have more than enough to cover very necessary AL,
but he advised against it for years, until it was that or them moving in with him, but his first concern is cost and he did none of the leg work).

You’re doing the right thing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 80 yr old mother suffered a stroke and needed to be moved into an AL. I researched and toured facilities for the 3 weeks she was in hospital and rehab. Meanwhile my two brothers wanted to place her in a disgusting facility down the street from their homes. $2000 a month, shared rooms and bathrooms. My moms estate is over 2 million, also has monthly income of about 9k. I found her a beautiful AL apt overlooking the bay 15mts from my brothers. My mom fell again in her AL apt, back in hospital/rehab. I was at a loss of how to keep her safe and even looked into nursing homes but her being of sound mind I just couldn’t. She cried and wanted to go back to her AL apt because she had already made so many new friends. I told her she would need private caregivers with her there to prevent the falls that would eventually lead to her death. I had attorney meet us at her rehab to execute my POA per her wishes because my brothers were having “strokes” over the extra monthly costs now totaling 13k. They both work in the family business my parents started and have access to all her bank accounts and assets. I don’t so I have to send the invoices to them to pay and it never fails I start getting snarky messages from them in group text. “At this rate her money isn’t going to last long!” They also send my mom texts that I’m overspending on her cc insinuating that I’m buying things for myself which stresses my mom out. I use her cc for her monthly necessities. Fyi I’m married to a multi millionaire and use my money to buy her groceries and frivolous girly things like clothes, perfumes, jewelry just to make her happy. I’m so sick of having to go thru them to pay her expenses I’m going to add my name on her accts and deny them access. I know this is going to create a shitshow but what other options do I have?

When a parent gets to this point emotions are high and sibling dynamics explode. It sounds like you are accusing your brother/s of not wanting to spend money on your mother so they will have more to inherit and they are questioning the credit card bills you are submitting. You admit you do not know how much money your mother has. You have to stop this.

Money has to be talked about in the open and without accusing people of stealing. It is better to take a team approach. Everyone doing what they can. An important point is everyone should be able to ask why you spent x amount of money and on what without you getting your nose bent out of shape. Specially if you are submitting the bills for reimbursement

Take a step back and get your emotions under control. The first thing you do is set up a family meeting where everyone can see how much liquid assets your mother has. She most likely does not have a lot of money. This would mean the family has to step up or liquefy her assets to cover her cost. Next the family has to make a decision about can she live in her own.

You need to communicate more clearly and openly. Did you talk to anyone in the family before you got the POA? Did you discuss or give a heads up about the 13k you spent? Your mother may want to stay where she is but it does not sound like the right option. Now is the time to move her to a nursing home with assisted or skilled care. You do this now because many places have a long wait time for assisted or skilled cared. Many places require to new resident to be independent.

[Anonymous]

You might want to get a geriatric care manager to evaluate your mother’s needs and help you, your mother and your brothers formulate a long term care plan. A knowledgeable professional can help manage the discussions you need to have with your brothers, but also help you all understand what your mother needs are and how best to meet them.
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager

[Anonymous]

Is your mother’s money separate from the business? Why do your brothers have access to her accounts?

[Anonymous]

This you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1003056.page

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1018784.page

[Anonymous]

Yeah I remember this post also from before.

[Anonymous]

in the other thread she wrote "i am ready to have my mom cut them out of her will". Not a shred of understanding that it's her mom's call to add or delete people from the will. no, she decides. i feel sorry for the poor old lady.

[Anonymous]

You posted before about this. You are the saint/savior and they are so evil. I remember. Your writing style is pretty distinct. It's rarely that cut and dry.

She is happy at the old place no matter how awful you seem to have decided it is. Why don't you follow her wishes and let her be at the affordable place where she is happy. I would also suggest therapy for you because your hatred of your brothers is palpable and you are using mom as a pawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 80 yr old mother suffered a stroke and needed to be moved into an AL. I researched and toured facilities for the 3 weeks she was in hospital and rehab. Meanwhile my two brothers wanted to place her in a disgusting facility down the street from their homes. $2000 a month, shared rooms and bathrooms. My moms estate is over 2 million, also has monthly income of about 9k. I found her a beautiful AL apt overlooking the bay 15mts from my brothers. My mom fell again in her AL apt, back in hospital/rehab. I was at a loss of how to keep her safe and even looked into nursing homes but her being of sound mind I just couldn’t. She cried and wanted to go back to her AL apt because she had already made so many new friends. I told her she would need private caregivers with her there to prevent the falls that would eventually lead to her death. I had attorney meet us at her rehab to execute my POA per her wishes because my brothers were having “strokes” over the extra monthly costs now totaling 13k. They both work in the family business my parents started and have access to all her bank accounts and assets. I don’t so I have to send the invoices to them to pay and it never fails I start getting snarky messages from them in group text. “At this rate her money isn’t going to last long!” They also send my mom texts that I’m overspending on her cc insinuating that I’m buying things for myself which stresses my mom out. I use her cc for her monthly necessities. Fyi I’m married to a multi millionaire and use my money to buy her groceries and frivolous girly things like clothes, perfumes, jewelry just to make her happy. I’m so sick of having to go thru them to pay her expenses I’m going to add my name on her accts and deny them access. I know this is going to create a shitshow but what other options do I have?

She is of sound mind. She has expressed her wishes to return to her AL where she has FRIENDS. You think a bay view is more important than FRIENDS? So she could "die" happy having a fall where she wants to be or maybe let's just say she lives a little longer at the place you have deemed worthy and she is lonely, but can stare out the window and have a room to herself. You have to respect her wishes unless she is mentally incompetent. You are being too controling. It is not your place to insert yourself and go against her expressed wishes.

[Anonymous]

You are a terrible and controlling person. I have a sister like you and I am the distancing myself from her.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom needs to be in nursing home, not assisted living. Assisted living is not a high level of care. If she stays in assisted living she needs a 24/7 caretaker. Tell the brothers to pay up or drop her off at one of their homes.