Huge Fight w/Mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Agreed. OP was being taken to task by her mom because the kids were going wild and tried to defend her lack of discipline by saying "at least I don't yell at my kids". But, whatever she is doing isn't working either. So why does OP think this is about her mom being frustrated with just her sister? Grandma is tired of all the noise and chaos of all the kids in the house and wants all their parents to step up and parent them, including OP.

Then you should be cool with your kids staying at a hotel like they offered to, Grandma. You don’t get to dictate that everyone crams under your roof and then scream at them and your spouses because you can’t control yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Sorry, grandkids are not "guests" in a grandparent's house, particularly when the grandparent insists the family stay there. It's one thing if they are getting into off-limits areas or something, but they certainly do not need to abide by every whim of a grandparent just because they are physically in her house.

No, they are definitely house guests and if the house rules aren’t acceptable to OP, then she needs to stay elsewhere like the hotel she moved to.

You sound like a dim bulb. OP said she had offered to stay in a hotel on this trip and her mother didn’t like the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Sorry, grandkids are not "guests" in a grandparent's house, particularly when the grandparent insists the family stay there. It's one thing if they are getting into off-limits areas or something, but they certainly do not need to abide by every whim of a grandparent just because they are physically in her house.

No, they are definitely house guests and if the house rules aren’t acceptable to OP, then she needs to stay elsewhere like the hotel she moved to.

Your saying it doesn’t make it so. Grandkids aren’t “guests” in any healthy family.

You can be family and a guest at the same time. Just like when your in laws visit your home, you are hosting them. Because they are guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Sorry, grandkids are not "guests" in a grandparent's house, particularly when the grandparent insists the family stay there. It's one thing if they are getting into off-limits areas or something, but they certainly do not need to abide by every whim of a grandparent just because they are physically in her house.

No, they are definitely house guests and if the house rules aren’t acceptable to OP, then she needs to stay elsewhere like the hotel she moved to.

You sound like a dim bulb. OP said she had offered to stay in a hotel on this trip and her mother didn’t like the idea.

Not dim at all. She did the right thing and I would have left too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Agreed. OP was being taken to task by her mom because the kids were going wild and tried to defend her lack of discipline by saying "at least I don't yell at my kids". But, whatever she is doing isn't working either. So why does OP think this is about her mom being frustrated with just her sister? Grandma is tired of all the noise and chaos of all the kids in the house and wants all their parents to step up and parent them, including OP.

Then you should be cool with your kids staying at a hotel like they offered to, Grandma. You don’t get to dictate that everyone crams under your roof and then scream at them and your spouses because you can’t control yourself.

Ok brat daughter, mother of hellions, done deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Agreed. OP was being taken to task by her mom because the kids were going wild and tried to defend her lack of discipline by saying "at least I don't yell at my kids". But, whatever she is doing isn't working either. So why does OP think this is about her mom being frustrated with just her sister? Grandma is tired of all the noise and chaos of all the kids in the house and wants all their parents to step up and parent them, including OP.

Then you should be cool with your kids staying at a hotel like they offered to, Grandma. You don’t get to dictate that everyone crams under your roof and then scream at them and your spouses because you can’t control yourself.

Ok brat daughter, mother of hellions, done deal.

You won't be missed, control-freak grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Agreed. OP was being taken to task by her mom because the kids were going wild and tried to defend her lack of discipline by saying "at least I don't yell at my kids". But, whatever she is doing isn't working either. So why does OP think this is about her mom being frustrated with just her sister? Grandma is tired of all the noise and chaos of all the kids in the house and wants all their parents to step up and parent them, including OP.

Then you should be cool with your kids staying at a hotel like they offered to, Grandma. You don’t get to dictate that everyone crams under your roof and then scream at them and your spouses because you can’t control yourself.

Ok brat daughter, mother of hellions, done deal.

You won't be missed, control-freak grandma.

It's simple, parent your kids and you won't have problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

OMG this is so hard for you, you poor thing. Yes you need to reach out really fast. I mean your husband only stood up for you and now you have thrown him under the bus by simply wanting to know how long until you go running to mom and make things right.

Really are you ever going to stand up for the husband that stood up for you. I would say when he says he never wants to see them again, he means it and this is of course nothing to you, because it's like so hard for you. No one else matters, only that you can fulfil your damaged peace maker role.

People divorce over this. Do you get it, your mother couldn't control herself and yelled at your husband for doing nothing but trying to defend you. I would say his lesson next time would be to grab some popcorn and watch the circus from afar and let your family walk all over you and say whatever they were saying that he needed to defend you against. Next time you should deal with it solely on your own.

Perhaps rather than worrying when you can just ignore it all and run to call mom, perhaps you can look at your husband who just got yelled at by your dysfunctional family. Perhaps you could I don't know, show him the same support he showed you.

Your mother owes your husband an apology. I doubt she has the class or dignity to offer one.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t cut-your-mom-off worthy and it isn’t divorce-worthy either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

OMG this is so hard for you, you poor thing. Yes you need to reach out really fast. I mean your husband only stood up for you and now you have thrown him under the bus by simply wanting to know how long until you go running to mom and make things right.

Really are you ever going to stand up for the husband that stood up for you. I would say when he says he never wants to see them again, he means it and this is of course nothing to you, because it's like so hard for you. No one else matters, only that you can fulfil your damaged peace maker role.

People divorce over this. Do you get it, your mother couldn't control herself and yelled at your husband for doing nothing but trying to defend you. I would say his lesson next time would be to grab some popcorn and watch the circus from afar and let your family walk all over you and say whatever they were saying that he needed to defend you against. Next time you should deal with it solely on your own.

Perhaps rather than worrying when you can just ignore it all and run to call mom, perhaps you can look at your husband who just got yelled at by your dysfunctional family. Perhaps you could I don't know, show him the same support he showed you.

Your mother owes your husband an apology. I doubt she has the class or dignity to offer one.

This is terrible advice. What in the world?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t know what to do. We had a belated Christmas trip to my parents. My sister, BIL and their three kids had been there for a month already (house renovations) and my two brothers and their families live there and had been in and out. It’s a lot — 4 adult kids, 4 spouses, and 10 grand kids 7 and under. My dad’s father is also sick and my parents are just generally very particular about keeping their home pristine etc. I’m saying all this to set the scene of the chaos there before we even arrived on 12/26 with our 3 kids.

I could tell my mom was spun up already and wish we had just decided to not go. So everyone got in a huge family fight about how each of us discipline our kids. My husband was on a work call during this, but then came down and started trying to defend me. This made it worse and resulted in my mom screaming (not atypical — this has happened to all of us before) at him. We ended up leaving and going to a hotel for the last 24 hours of the trip. We are home now (thank god). My mom is very tough and one of those moms who thinks all of her kids’ spouses weren’t good enough for them. My husband is very upset and claiming he’ll never talk to them again. Yay!

Now my parents and I also aren’t speaking. Any advice on how to navigate? Sigh I feel awful!

This is a "let everyone cool off" situation. There's no malice here, just old, cranky people who can no longer bear the chaos of small, tired, frenzied children. I wouldn't contact your mom for awhile. You will hear from her, and your DH will calm down. Next time, go to a hotel-- insist upon it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP. Sorry this happened. I have been in your DH's position for years with my ILs. I honestly think it is easier for my MIL to target/yell at me than at her precious son. It took time for my DH to realize this and it was very frustrating until he got with the program and now has my back. But it does mean that he goes to see his parents with the kids and without me usually. We also found that going on vacation together (neutral ground) is easier then being at their house. If I go we stay in a hotel even though my MIL tries to insist we stay there.

You are going to have to set some boundaries to back up your DH. You don't have to tell your mom what they are but you need to stick to them. I think you should just call your mom and say that it didn't go as planned but you love her. What you don't do is start saying all the things you feel upset about. Just know going forward you are at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your first paragraph sums it up. This was a disaster in the making before you even left home for the trip. Add the pressure of the holidays and you had a time bomb waiting for you.

Just blow it off, wait a few days/weeks/ months and resume. I would not bring it up again, but I would also learn a lesson from this. Your family sounds intense and demanding. People like that are best tolerated in small doses. When someone suggests the idea of a group vacation, keep this in mind.

This above times a thousand!

This is why my BIL (police officer) takes off xmàs now- he says that’s when domestic violence and family relations fights peak. That’s the extreme- but we all put a whole lot of pressure on getting everyone together even when nothing could be farther than the best thing. This house was chaos before you got there- easy to say now, but yes you should have tactfully said “ mom we love coming and have been so excited to see you, but with all going on there, we want to ease the pressure on you and dad and visit MLK weekend instead”- or this year you could use the airline canceled our flights.
Xmas with random adults and kids stuffed together is just tough and someone usually ends up upset. We have experienced this so many times- but a more recent experience- we spend thanksgiving wed-Sunday with my best friend and her family- have for 10 years. But over last few years she has had other people staying there and this last visit we were relegated to her teen sons dirty bedroom. Plus her husband literally went into his man cave each day we were there. We got the message- lives are too busy now- next year we’ll go but get hotel and leave Friday morning.

I don’t know what all was said snd how your mom and dad and you and your family handle being hurt or angry- but I’m sure all were a bit in the wrong- I recommend you write email or letter stating how things got out of hand snd just too many in small space at high stress time. U can’t put the genie back in the bottle, but families should be forgiving.
Make peace- you don’t want to have your family in turmoil- as we have all learned this last year and half, we never know when we won’t have them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t know what to do. We had a belated Christmas trip to my parents. My sister, BIL and their three kids had been there for a month already (house renovations) and my two brothers and their families live there and had been in and out. It’s a lot — 4 adult kids, 4 spouses, and 10 grand kids 7 and under. My dad’s father is also sick and my parents are just generally very particular about keeping their home pristine etc. I’m saying all this to set the scene of the chaos there before we even arrived on 12/26 with our 3 kids.

I could tell my mom was spun up already and wish we had just decided to not go. So everyone got in a huge family fight about how each of us discipline our kids. My husband was on a work call during this, but then came down and started trying to defend me. This made it worse and resulted in my mom screaming (not atypical — this has happened to all of us before) at him. We ended up leaving and going to a hotel for the last 24 hours of the trip. We are home now (thank god). My mom is very tough and one of those moms who thinks all of her kids’ spouses weren’t good enough for them. My husband is very upset and claiming he’ll never talk to them again. Yay!

Now my parents and I also aren’t speaking. Any advice on how to navigate? Sigh I feel awful!

it sounds like you want to reach out with an olive branch despite learning a lesson to not do this again! maybe call your mom up and simply say, “mom, we are sorry things got so out of control on our visit. This was a lot to have everyone over and we want to thank you for hosting us and everything that you and dad did for us.” just learn thw lesson, make your own adjustments in how to deal with family next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Sorry, grandkids are not "guests" in a grandparent's house, particularly when the grandparent insists the family stay there. It's one thing if they are getting into off-limits areas or something, but they certainly do not need to abide by every whim of a grandparent just because they are physically in her house.

No, they are definitely house guests and if the house rules aren’t acceptable to OP, then she needs to stay elsewhere like the hotel she moved to.

Your saying it doesn’t make it so. Grandkids aren’t “guests” in any healthy family.

What?? Yes they are! Teaching your child how to behave respectfully in someone else’s home (even if that someone is grandma) is a CRITICAL part of parenting. It’s part of empathy, respect, self-care, all of this elements come together when you are a guest!