Huge Fight w/Mother

[Anonymous]

Lesson learned OP, stay in a hotel next time. It's too much for everyone to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17 people in one home is a bad idea. Your family should have stayed at a hotel nearby. And you didn’t help the situation by saying “I don’t scream at my kids” you should have acknowledged they weren’t behaving, apologized for that, and taken them aside to discipline them and then had them go apologize to Grandma.

+1 I agree with this. Instead of defending my children's bad behavior, I would have had them stop, apologize to Grandma, apologized myself to Grandma, and then taken the kids somewhere else to calm down. I cannot believe you thought it was okay to get mad at your mom, OP. You were guests in her house. You needed to make sure your children were better behaved. Either way, you need to apologize to your mom big time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all this. There is a lot of other stuff over the years going on here too — I’m the most successful of my siblings by far and don’t take money from my parents or ask for much help (I don’t want the strings that come attached with that).

Yes I think my mom took all of the issues with my sister out on me. I don’t want this to be a bigger thing — my mom is never going to change and neither me nor my husband don’t want the kids to have a relationship with her etc. I think the let things blow over probably is the easiest. No need to rehash all of this again.

And yes to the hotel on future years, although I had proposed that for this trip and my mom was offended. Live and learn!

[Anonymous]

20 people under one roof, 10 of whom are kids. What could go wrong? I wouldn't stay in a house with 10 people in it. Too crowded, I like my own space, and I need a place to escape to. It's hard to tell who needs to apologize to whom in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would wait a few weeks and then call my mom. This is certainly not something I’d cut my mom off over especially given the circumstances of a sick in law, crowded home etc. She is only human even if she was out of line. Family like all people aren’t perfect. If she doesn’t bring it up and seems willing to move on, then I would do that. If she does want to bring it up, then have a calm discussion about what exactly happened. It doesn’t mean you have to apologize if you don’t feel you did anything wrong. If your kids did do something, then apologize for that. (Hard to know what “going crazy” means - for example were they running around indoors and she asked them to take the play outside for example? They still have to behave even if hyper and excited.). If you want to tell her that you don’t want her screaming at you and your husband, then say that. But I think it would depend on her general reaction when you call, and again I think you should give it some time before you do.

+1 and ignore posters telling you to cut your mother off over this, that’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

[Anonymous]

I’d also consider what role you want your husband to play. I would never want mine to enter mid fight to defend me against my family of origin. That’s a recipe for trouble. In my case, my husband subtly reminds me to disengage and not to fall play into my teenage roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d also consider what role you want your husband to play. I would never want mine to enter mid fight to defend me against my family of origin. That’s a recipe for trouble. In my case, my husband subtly reminds me to disengage and not to fall play into my teenage roles.

Play=back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d also consider what role you want your husband to play. I would never want mine to enter mid fight to defend me against my family of origin. That’s a recipe for trouble. In my case, my husband subtly reminds me to disengage and not to fall play into my teenage roles.

This. Mine would have been on a "work call" upstairs all day rather than to wade into the chaos on the lower floor. If he hears me criticizing my siblings discipline methods he's not going to jump to the ready to "defend me" he's going to tell me later I shouldn't have said what I said. Don't start stuff you need your husband to come finish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

Well, I come from a family of conflict avoiders, so if it were me, I would not bring it up again. I would reach out on a normal schedule and not bring it up again, except to say thanks for hosting and happy new year.

You know the situation, you know your mom and siblings and you know they are not going to change. Neither are you, really. I would file this under "lessons learned" and not attempt something like this again. Visit your parents with your kids on your own schedule, without all of the cousins and other people around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this. There is a lot of other stuff over the years going on here too — I’m the most successful of my siblings by far and don’t take money from my parents or ask for much help (I don’t want the strings that come attached with that).

Yes I think my mom took all of the issues with my sister out on me. I don’t want this to be a bigger thing — my mom is never going to change and neither me nor my husband don’t want the kids to have a relationship with her etc. I think the let things blow over probably is the easiest. No need to rehash all of this again.

And yes to the hotel on future years, although I had proposed that for this trip and my mom was offended. Live and learn!

Sooooooo, you have decided that you're going to totally ignore the fact that your kids were misbehaving and you weren't managing them? You're writing all of this off to the fact that your mom is the problem? Wow. You're a real piece of work, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this. There is a lot of other stuff over the years going on here too — I’m the most successful of my siblings by far and don’t take money from my parents or ask for much help (I don’t want the strings that come attached with that).

Yes I think my mom took all of the issues with my sister out on me. I don’t want this to be a bigger thing — my mom is never going to change and neither me nor my husband don’t want the kids to have a relationship with her etc. I think the let things blow over probably is the easiest. No need to rehash all of this again.

And yes to the hotel on future years, although I had proposed that for this trip and my mom was offended. Live and learn!

That bolded part is totally irrelevant and makes you seem like you think because you earn more money and don't take money from your parents that your children are entitled to act like spoiled brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this. There is a lot of other stuff over the years going on here too — I’m the most successful of my siblings by far and don’t take money from my parents or ask for much help (I don’t want the strings that come attached with that).

Yes I think my mom took all of the issues with my sister out on me. I don’t want this to be a bigger thing — my mom is never going to change and neither me nor my husband don’t want the kids to have a relationship with her etc. I think the let things blow over probably is the easiest. No need to rehash all of this again.

And yes to the hotel on future years, although I had proposed that for this trip and my mom was offended. Live and learn!

That bolded part is totally irrelevant and makes you seem like you think because you earn more money and don't take money from your parents that your children are entitled to act like spoiled brats.

I agree with this. OP's explanation is really an explanation of why she thinks she is right and her mom is wrong. For my part, I cannot imagine allowing my kids misbehave in my parent's house and not doing something about it before my parents felt they had to say something. I think OP is in for some unhappy surprises about her kids as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this. There is a lot of other stuff over the years going on here too — I’m the most successful of my siblings by far and don’t take money from my parents or ask for much help (I don’t want the strings that come attached with that).

Yes I think my mom took all of the issues with my sister out on me. I don’t want this to be a bigger thing — my mom is never going to change and neither me nor my husband don’t want the kids to have a relationship with her etc. I think the let things blow over probably is the easiest. No need to rehash all of this again.

And yes to the hotel on future years, although I had proposed that for this trip and my mom was offended. Live and learn!

That bolded part is totally irrelevant and makes you seem like you think because you earn more money and don't take money from your parents that your children are entitled to act like spoiled brats.

I agree with this. OP's explanation is really an explanation of why she thinks she is right and her mom is wrong. For my part, I cannot imagine allowing my kids misbehave in my parent's house and not doing something about it before my parents felt they had to say something. I think OP is in for some unhappy surprises about her kids as they get older.

I didn't get that vibe at all from OP's post, and unlike her, I yell at my kids It seems as though the mother likes to control her adult children, and OP doesn't play ball, which then leads to more fights.