Huge Fight w/Mother
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Anonymous
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Ugh I don’t know what to do. We had a belated Christmas trip to my parents. My sister, BIL and their three kids had been there for a month already (house renovations) and my two brothers and their families live there and had been in and out. It’s a lot — 4 adult kids, 4 spouses, and 10 grand kids 7 and under. My dad’s father is also sick and my parents are just generally very particular about keeping their home pristine etc. I’m saying all this to set the scene of the chaos there before we even arrived on 12/26 with our 3 kids.
I could tell my mom was spun up already and wish we had just decided to not go. So everyone got in a huge family fight about how each of us discipline our kids. My husband was on a work call during this, but then came down and started trying to defend me. This made it worse and resulted in my mom screaming (not atypical — this has happened to all of us before) at him. We ended up leaving and going to a hotel for the last 24 hours of the trip. We are home now (thank god). My mom is very tough and one of those moms who thinks all of her kids’ spouses weren’t good enough for them. My husband is very upset and claiming he’ll never talk to them again. Yay! Now my parents and I also aren’t speaking. Any advice on how to navigate? Sigh I feel awful! |
Anonymous
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There is nothing to navigate, OP. I don't tolerate my parents behaving in that way. I cut off my mother for 6 months and ever since, she knows where the line is and she doesn't cross it. |
Anonymous
What actually started the fight? What was your role versus your mother’s? |
Anonymous
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OP, your first paragraph sums it up. This was a disaster in the making before you even left home for the trip. Add the pressure of the holidays and you had a time bomb waiting for you.
Just blow it off, wait a few days/weeks/ months and resume. I would not bring it up again, but I would also learn a lesson from this. Your family sounds intense and demanding. People like that are best tolerated in small doses. When someone suggests the idea of a group vacation, keep this in mind. |
Anonymous
| Op here. What started the fight is the grandkids were going crazy and my mom started critiquing how each of us disciplined our kids. My sister joined in (she thinks her kids are perfect) and I said well I don’t believe in screaming at my kids and everyone chimed in etc. |
Anonymous
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Your mother is not going to change unless she chooses to. Given that, what relationship do you want with her? No contact, low contact, with or without an apology? Do you want your kids around her? Give it a little time to cool down the emotions then decide what you want and act on that.
PS: not taking sides here, but is it possible that your mom can't have that many people in her house at once, anymore? There's usually a point when the traditional hosting by the grandparents becomes too much. Its hard to give up and may take a while. Consider if this is the problem that needs to be solved. Too many people, too much kid energy, and too much work for your mother. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
| Nothing to navigate. Cut your mom off until she apologizes. |
Anonymous
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OP I’m sorry. What a mess! Grandparents truly forget what kids are REALLY like. They have a romantic view of back when.
With that view in mind they start criticizing the parents. Which are fighting words. 10 kids running around at Christmas is a recipe for chaos. Let things cool down and rethink your boundaries with both mother and sister. Good luck! |
Anonymous
+1000 |
Anonymous
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Take a moment (time- month+) to breathe. Then, plan to stay at a hotel with all future visits. Maybe skip next year.
The positive is that you and your DH have each others back. One thought is that since your sister and her family are living there right now, they all needed to blow off steam and it was easier to aim at you than each other. Not right, but it happens all the time. Almost all of us have been angry at a spouse and then snap at another member of the family. Not great moments, but human. Of course, if it is pattern, it is a problem. I am sorry you had to walk into such a tinderbox. That isn’t fair. I hope your father is feeling better. |
Anonymous
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I literally have no idea why you wouldn't stay at a hotel from the get go---that is WAY too many people in one house, especially given your mom likes to keep the house pristine. In the future stay in a hotel, and only be around the others for 2-3 hours at a time, and then take a break. Make sure your kids are fed protein at regular intervals and also getting outside to burn off energy at regular intervals. This is a problem you could have prevented at least to some degree.
That said, acknowledge whatever your role was, learn from it, and let it blow over. |
Anonymous
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Nothing really to navigate. You’re not there and don’t have to deal with her. My guess is that you think you need to be the one to reach out to your mother.
Your first priority in this situation is your well-being and that of your husband. You support him. If he doesn’t want to ever talk to your mom, don’t challenge that. It sounds like he is quite justified in setting that boundary. What do you think will happen next—if you do nothing, will your mother call? Is there some event where you will all be together where the issue will be forced? |
Anonymous
| 17 people in one home is a bad idea. Your family should have stayed at a hotel nearby. And you didn’t help the situation by saying “I don’t scream at my kids” you should have acknowledged they weren’t behaving, apologized for that, and taken them aside to discipline them and then had them go apologize to Grandma. |
Anonymous
| Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed. |
Anonymous
| I would wait a few weeks and then call my mom. This is certainly not something I’d cut my mom off over especially given the circumstances of a sick in law, crowded home etc. She is only human even if she was out of line. Family like all people aren’t perfect. If she doesn’t bring it up and seems willing to move on, then I would do that. If she does want to bring it up, then have a calm discussion about what exactly happened. It doesn’t mean you have to apologize if you don’t feel you did anything wrong. If your kids did do something, then apologize for that. (Hard to know what “going crazy” means - for example were they running around indoors and she asked them to take the play outside for example? They still have to behave even if hyper and excited.). If you want to tell her that you don’t want her screaming at you and your husband, then say that. But I think it would depend on her general reaction when you call, and again I think you should give it some time before you do. |