Huge Fight w/Mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

+1 Well said.

Agreed. OP was being taken to task by her mom because the kids were going wild and tried to defend her lack of discipline by saying "at least I don't yell at my kids". But, whatever she is doing isn't working either. So why does OP think this is about her mom being frustrated with just her sister? Grandma is tired of all the noise and chaos of all the kids in the house and wants all their parents to step up and parent them, including OP.

Then you should be cool with your kids staying at a hotel like they offered to, Grandma. You don’t get to dictate that everyone crams under your roof and then scream at them and your spouses because you can’t control yourself.

Ok brat daughter, mother of hellions, done deal.

Wait so you have to yell at your kids at your mom’s ?

[Anonymous]

Good for you for leaving.

What everyone needs now is SPACE! Wait a few months before you reach out again. Be glad you’re home and physically away from them. Now, let it go and take an emotional/mental break as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t know what to do. We had a belated Christmas trip to my parents. My sister, BIL and their three kids had been there for a month already (house renovations) and my two brothers and their families live there and had been in and out. It’s a lot — 4 adult kids, 4 spouses, and 10 grand kids 7 and under. My dad’s father is also sick and my parents are just generally very particular about keeping their home pristine etc. I’m saying all this to set the scene of the chaos there before we even arrived on 12/26 with our 3 kids.

I could tell my mom was spun up already and wish we had just decided to not go. So everyone got in a huge family fight about how each of us discipline our kids. My husband was on a work call during this, but then came down and started trying to defend me. This made it worse and resulted in my mom screaming (not atypical — this has happened to all of us before) at him. We ended up leaving and going to a hotel for the last 24 hours of the trip. We are home now (thank god). My mom is very tough and one of those moms who thinks all of her kids’ spouses weren’t good enough for them. My husband is very upset and claiming he’ll never talk to them again. Yay!

Now my parents and I also aren’t speaking. Any advice on how to navigate? Sigh I feel awful!

This is a "let everyone cool off" situation. There's no malice here, just old, cranky people who can no longer bear the chaos of small, tired, frenzied children. I wouldn't contact your mom for awhile. You will hear from her, and your DH will calm down. Next time, go to a hotel-- insist upon it.

This. You can't have a pristine home with 10 kids in it. Stay at a hotel next time. Don't even ask. And just let this blow over.

[Anonymous]

Your kids needed parenting and neither you nor your husband directed your attention to them; instead, you argued with your family. Next time, take the kids outside to play soccer. Or put on a video game or movie. Just because your mom invited you all over doesn’t mean she has to put up with grandchildren who don’t behave and parents who don’t parent.

[Anonymous]

People are bring crazy here. 7 boys under age 10 running around at grandmas? Recipe for disaster. OP can apologize to mom but I wouldn’t agree to that scenario again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. It is your mom's house. You (and your kids) need to live by your mom's rules while you are there. Since you don't seem to be able to do that then a hotel is the better option. IMO you need to apologize to your mom for your kids' behavior and for you not making sure that her house rules were followed.

OP never said who's kids were being kids, but way to jump to conclusions!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The part re money is relevant to the part identified above that my mom has control over my siblings and they have to take her crap/advice re their life choices.

As to my kids, all the kids (except the babies) were running around and being silly. I should add the 7 oldest of the 10 are all boys. Anyways, I don’t care who was at fault. I’m fine apologizing for my part in it all even if no one else does. But the biggest piece of advice here that I’ll take is consider this a lesson learned. This is way too many people/personalities under one roof! Thanks, all!

ALL the kids were acting crazy (but the babies). Sorry but sometimes the daughter is wrong and grandma is right. OP is really digging in her heels about admitting her role in this and apologizing (only if everyone else does).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

OMG this is so hard for you, you poor thing. Yes you need to reach out really fast. I mean your husband only stood up for you and now you have thrown him under the bus by simply wanting to know how long until you go running to mom and make things right.

Really are you ever going to stand up for the husband that stood up for you. I would say when he says he never wants to see them again, he means it and this is of course nothing to you, because it's like so hard for you. No one else matters, only that you can fulfil your damaged peace maker role.

People divorce over this. Do you get it, your mother couldn't control herself and yelled at your husband for doing nothing but trying to defend you. I would say his lesson next time would be to grab some popcorn and watch the circus from afar and let your family walk all over you and say whatever they were saying that he needed to defend you against. Next time you should deal with it solely on your own.

Perhaps rather than worrying when you can just ignore it all and run to call mom, perhaps you can look at your husband who just got yelled at by your dysfunctional family. Perhaps you could I don't know, show him the same support he showed you.

Your mother owes your husband an apology. I doubt she has the class or dignity to offer one.

This is terrible advice. What in the world?

Did you read the part where OP said her mom was 'screaming' at her husband. Did you not read the part where she said this is not atypical of her mom - meaning she has done this before. Did you not read the part where OP says her mom is tough and doesn't believe others are good enough for her children.

You have never been screamed at have you. Honestly think about this, how would you feel having someone scream at you, in your face.

If the mother was starting to lose herself and her control with all the kids around, she could have excused herself to go to a quiet place and just say that the activity was too much for her. The mother cannot control her own emotions and can't regulate herself in a mature adult way. Instead she gets overwhelmed and screams at people. It's not up to other adults to control the environment so mom doesn't lose herself and start screaming, it's actually up to the mother to regulate her own emotions in a healthy way.

The advice given in this thread is that it's ok, its family and it's ok for family to scream in your face. Or in your partner's face in front of their children. The advice given here is ahhh it's ok its your mom. Just forgive and reach out, poor thing.

I would say it's not normal and it's healthy. No one should have to put up with being screamed at. The mother owes an apology. Kids are noisy, messy and crazy when playing all together. If the mother can't handle that she needs to speak up calmly, otherwise she needs to excuse herself for some time out, go for a walk, go for a nap.

It is not ok to scream at people. Not even a raised voice but to scream. No, no, no. It sounds like the whole family has learned poor communication and that no one was able to simply quieten the children and they all ended up in one another's faces yelling about discipline, well I guess they learned that from mom, thanks mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

OMG this is so hard for you, you poor thing. Yes you need to reach out really fast. I mean your husband only stood up for you and now you have thrown him under the bus by simply wanting to know how long until you go running to mom and make things right.

Really are you ever going to stand up for the husband that stood up for you. I would say when he says he never wants to see them again, he means it and this is of course nothing to you, because it's like so hard for you. No one else matters, only that you can fulfil your damaged peace maker role.

People divorce over this. Do you get it, your mother couldn't control herself and yelled at your husband for doing nothing but trying to defend you. I would say his lesson next time would be to grab some popcorn and watch the circus from afar and let your family walk all over you and say whatever they were saying that he needed to defend you against. Next time you should deal with it solely on your own.

Perhaps rather than worrying when you can just ignore it all and run to call mom, perhaps you can look at your husband who just got yelled at by your dysfunctional family. Perhaps you could I don't know, show him the same support he showed you.

Your mother owes your husband an apology. I doubt she has the class or dignity to offer one.

This is terrible advice. What in the world?

Did you read the part where OP said her mom was 'screaming' at her husband. Did you not read the part where she said this is not atypical of her mom - meaning she has done this before. Did you not read the part where OP says her mom is tough and doesn't believe others are good enough for her children.

You have never been screamed at have you. Honestly think about this, how would you feel having someone scream at you, in your face.

If the mother was starting to lose herself and her control with all the kids around, she could have excused herself to go to a quiet place and just say that the activity was too much for her. The mother cannot control her own emotions and can't regulate herself in a mature adult way. Instead she gets overwhelmed and screams at people. It's not up to other adults to control the environment so mom doesn't lose herself and start screaming, it's actually up to the mother to regulate her own emotions in a healthy way.

The advice given in this thread is that it's ok, its family and it's ok for family to scream in your face. Or in your partner's face in front of their children. The advice given here is ahhh it's ok its your mom. Just forgive and reach out, poor thing.

I would say it's not normal and it's healthy. No one should have to put up with being screamed at. The mother owes an apology. Kids are noisy, messy and crazy when playing all together. If the mother can't handle that she needs to speak up calmly, otherwise she needs to excuse herself for some time out, go for a walk, go for a nap.

It is not ok to scream at people. Not even a raised voice but to scream. No, no, no. It sounds like the whole family has learned poor communication and that no one was able to simply quieten the children and they all ended up in one another's faces yelling about discipline, well I guess they learned that from mom, thanks mom.

The husband should have entered the ongoing fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

OMG this is so hard for you, you poor thing. Yes you need to reach out really fast. I mean your husband only stood up for you and now you have thrown him under the bus by simply wanting to know how long until you go running to mom and make things right.

Really are you ever going to stand up for the husband that stood up for you. I would say when he says he never wants to see them again, he means it and this is of course nothing to you, because it's like so hard for you. No one else matters, only that you can fulfil your damaged peace maker role.

People divorce over this. Do you get it, your mother couldn't control herself and yelled at your husband for doing nothing but trying to defend you. I would say his lesson next time would be to grab some popcorn and watch the circus from afar and let your family walk all over you and say whatever they were saying that he needed to defend you against. Next time you should deal with it solely on your own.

Perhaps rather than worrying when you can just ignore it all and run to call mom, perhaps you can look at your husband who just got yelled at by your dysfunctional family. Perhaps you could I don't know, show him the same support he showed you.

Your mother owes your husband an apology. I doubt she has the class or dignity to offer one.

This is terrible advice. What in the world?

Did you read the part where OP said her mom was 'screaming' at her husband. Did you not read the part where she said this is not atypical of her mom - meaning she has done this before. Did you not read the part where OP says her mom is tough and doesn't believe others are good enough for her children.

You have never been screamed at have you. Honestly think about this, how would you feel having someone scream at you, in your face.

If the mother was starting to lose herself and her control with all the kids around, she could have excused herself to go to a quiet place and just say that the activity was too much for her. The mother cannot control her own emotions and can't regulate herself in a mature adult way. Instead she gets overwhelmed and screams at people. It's not up to other adults to control the environment so mom doesn't lose herself and start screaming, it's actually up to the mother to regulate her own emotions in a healthy way.

The advice given in this thread is that it's ok, its family and it's ok for family to scream in your face. Or in your partner's face in front of their children. The advice given here is ahhh it's ok its your mom. Just forgive and reach out, poor thing.

I would say it's not normal and it's healthy. No one should have to put up with being screamed at. The mother owes an apology. Kids are noisy, messy and crazy when playing all together. If the mother can't handle that she needs to speak up calmly, otherwise she needs to excuse herself for some time out, go for a walk, go for a nap.

It is not ok to scream at people. Not even a raised voice but to scream. No, no, no. It sounds like the whole family has learned poor communication and that no one was able to simply quieten the children and they all ended up in one another's faces yelling about discipline, well I guess they learned that from mom, thanks mom.

The husband should have entered the ongoing fight.

NOT have entered.

[Anonymous]

"not healthy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes cutting her off is insane. Families aren’t perfect and I’m way past trying to change her into who I’d prefer she is.

I was more trying to see how long to wait to reach out/whether you rehash etc. We normally talk daily and I’m normally a peace maker, so this is really hard.

OMG this is so hard for you, you poor thing. Yes you need to reach out really fast. I mean your husband only stood up for you and now you have thrown him under the bus by simply wanting to know how long until you go running to mom and make things right.

Really are you ever going to stand up for the husband that stood up for you. I would say when he says he never wants to see them again, he means it and this is of course nothing to you, because it's like so hard for you. No one else matters, only that you can fulfil your damaged peace maker role.

People divorce over this. Do you get it, your mother couldn't control herself and yelled at your husband for doing nothing but trying to defend you. I would say his lesson next time would be to grab some popcorn and watch the circus from afar and let your family walk all over you and say whatever they were saying that he needed to defend you against. Next time you should deal with it solely on your own.

Perhaps rather than worrying when you can just ignore it all and run to call mom, perhaps you can look at your husband who just got yelled at by your dysfunctional family. Perhaps you could I don't know, show him the same support he showed you.

Your mother owes your husband an apology. I doubt she has the class or dignity to offer one.

This is terrible advice. What in the world?

Did you read the part where OP said her mom was 'screaming' at her husband. Did you not read the part where she said this is not atypical of her mom - meaning she has done this before. Did you not read the part where OP says her mom is tough and doesn't believe others are good enough for her children.

You have never been screamed at have you. Honestly think about this, how would you feel having someone scream at you, in your face.

If the mother was starting to lose herself and her control with all the kids around, she could have excused herself to go to a quiet place and just say that the activity was too much for her. The mother cannot control her own emotions and can't regulate herself in a mature adult way. Instead she gets overwhelmed and screams at people. It's not up to other adults to control the environment so mom doesn't lose herself and start screaming, it's actually up to the mother to regulate her own emotions in a healthy way.

The advice given in this thread is that it's ok, its family and it's ok for family to scream in your face. Or in your partner's face in front of their children. The advice given here is ahhh it's ok its your mom. Just forgive and reach out, poor thing.

I would say it's not normal and it's healthy. No one should have to put up with being screamed at. The mother owes an apology. Kids are noisy, messy and crazy when playing all together. If the mother can't handle that she needs to speak up calmly, otherwise she needs to excuse herself for some time out, go for a walk, go for a nap.

It is not ok to scream at people. Not even a raised voice but to scream. No, no, no. It sounds like the whole family has learned poor communication and that no one was able to simply quieten the children and they all ended up in one another's faces yelling about discipline, well I guess they learned that from mom, thanks mom.

The husband should have entered the ongoing fight.

NOT have entered.

So he should not have stood up for his wife then, he should have stood back like my originally advice got the popcorn and watched the circus.

Some people want their spouse to have their back. It's interesting that he needed to stand up for his wife against the family, what horrible things were they saying that he felt he needed to speak up. Were they saying she wasn't a good mother who couldn't discipline her own children and saying that in front of their kids.

Interesting that you should think a spouse should just stand back when their partner is getting bulldozed. I guess he can't win. He either lets his wife be alone in the lions den or he gets screamed at by his MIL for simply standing up for his wife.

I mean interesting isn't it, what exactly was being said that he needed to protect her or defend her against. Perhaps mother owes an apology for whatever hateful language she was spewing out that the husband needed to step in at all. It sounds like OP was not able to stand up for herself against her mother.

[Anonymous]

And to add, just because he said something still doesn't mean he deserves to be screamed at.

There is no justification in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And to add, just because he said something still doesn't mean he deserves to be screamed at.

There is no justification in that.

Maybe her husband should have been helping to corral his crazy kids instead of jumping into the fray caused by all the out of control kids. If something really horrible was said seems like OP would have offered that information so doesn't seem logical to jump to that conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Comfort husband and thank him for backing you.
Learn from this experience (hotel next time)

Think about what kind of relationship you want with your. Other before talking to her.

I would Apologize for any role in the blow up but lay down some boundaries.

“Mom I appreciate your hosting everyone to bring us together. We clearly see the numbers were too large to have under one roof. We will stay in hotel or AirBNB from now on. But when we do get together, here are some basic values that are important to me:
1. Please do not say hurtful critiques of me or my family especially if not in private
2. No shouting
3. Whatever other red line you see fit

Good luck!