What to do with extreme failure to launch adult sibling

[Anonymous]

OP, Get support and counseling for yourself and come up with a plan. These situations can go on for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stay OUT of it. No money, no time.
I give advice but he never takes it.
Parents have the enabling codependent relation with him. He’s 40 yo living at home, gets dumped every year and is done with his 5th one off degree, been fired from every job he had.
Sadly probably has undiagnosed ADD or ASD which my parents did nothing for except lied and called it dyslexia. Dyslexia is why he had 3x a week therapy in middle school and why he can’t focus or pay attention.

Thankfully no alcohol abuse or money overspending or pregnancies.

What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? Do you visit them with your kids? Curious, in the same boat and navigating things myself.

They live far away where I was raised. No one talks much, I’m pretty sure my dad is on the spectrum and my mom is a shell of a person after 40 years of them. She lets them have at it with their unemployment and dilly dallying around.

They come visit and sit around here, we come visit and stay a few days and then sight see. I NEVER let them watch my children without me or my spouse there. My father has absent mindedly almost ran over my 2 yo when reparking the car and thinks it’s dandy to have my 5 yo put meat on the fire grill. Doors are slammed in my kids too, when they were little. Dangerous tools left out, etc. thoughtless.

I have to get over that my brother will use up all their inheritance just sitting around doing nothing. And he will prob get their house. And my moms solution to his lack of a job or career is to have gifted him rental properties that she titled in his name and collects the rental income into a big pot with his name on it.

So he actually has more income than me and more more home wealth as those properties all tripled and so has their house.

I just never want any of them living with me. It took moving away for college to realize how introverted and odd my upbringing was. We literally did nothing. No trips, no sports, no Tv, no traditions. They think I’m crazy and spoiled because I go to the beach once a year and take my kids to soccer in the weekendsz they cannot fathom why anyone would do something they don’t do - which is most things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy like him (I know, I know). Had a million reasons why he couldn't work, like severe depression. Would threaten suicide when the issue was brought up. Eventually in his 30s, everyone got fed up with enabling him and cut him off.

Aaaaand he got his shit together. Got a job, an apartment, pays for all his own things. Even has a career going and started a business. Amazing how people can do it when they have no other choice.

I'd evict him and cut him off financially. Maybe give him 3 months worth of expenses money to get him started, then you're out.

My youngest uncle lived at his parents house until the one died and then the other went to assisted care. He took 80% of the inheritance, per the parents wishes, moved to the west coast and lives just fine as an IT tech hermit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my brother, except my mother is still alive and he's 38.

Kept flunking out of colleges (even though he loved college) because he was staying up all night playing video games and sleeping all day; can't keep a job (either quits or gets fired for calling in sick all the time) because he has "anxiety", is rude and argues over anything (a few weeks ago I was taking him and my mother out to lunch and he couldn't decide if he wanted either the fries or side salad with his entree, I suggest he could get both and I'd be happy to pay for the extra charge and he jumped down my throat about telling him what to do), lives in a house my mother owns, he pays no rent and he is disgusting and dirty (like a hoarder), it's so gross in there.

so he has no income, none, and has no ambitions to get any kind of a job. My mother has asked me to please look after him when she dies and I've said NO. He's plenty capable, he just doesn't want to and no one is making him.

I know this is so hard, frustrating. I wish I had the magic formula for you and for me. I agree with the other posters to sell the house if that is possible. If you try to evict him and stay there it may not ever end. After that is done I would never let him live with you again.

Mental illness. It’s real.

[Anonymous]

This is very familiar, except for the violence and anger.

It seems there are multiple issues going on here. I have no experience and/or advice for the violent behavior.

However, there are several men in my family who fail to launch in their 20s. Once they land a job where it is harder to procastinate, they do well. Examples: millitary, firefighter, nurse/ lab technician. He needs to find a job where is required to be present in order to get paid.

[Anonymous]

I am concerned for you, OP, because of your brother’s propensity towards anger and violence when he doesn’t get his way. I agree with other posters that you need to get him moved out of your home before taking any other action. If that means paying for a year of rent, find a way of doing so. The longer he has access to your home, the higher the risk will be that he will do retributive damage to her belongings, house and OP herself. I have seen how little protection restraining orders really provide. Invest in a security patrol service in your neighborhood and a reliable camera system.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other posters about having him apply for SSI or SSDI and then sever the financial and emotional ties the best you can. I have a mentally ill stepbrother who is 45 and also really never launched. My stepmother and father supported him financially on and off in between his bouts of homelessness and/or being in a state mental institution. He was able to get on full disability, has a small monthly stipend, and is in a subsidized apartment. His mother died this summer followed by my father last month. He has no one now and has been harassing me about money since the moment he found out my father died. I'm keeping him at arms length but will be sure he gets whatever inheritance is coming his way. Still, I will not support him financial or having any major role in his life. I feel bad, but he will no doubt drag me down with him if I get too involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my brother, except my mother is still alive and he's 38.

Kept flunking out of colleges (even though he loved college) because he was staying up all night playing video games and sleeping all day; can't keep a job (either quits or gets fired for calling in sick all the time) because he has "anxiety", is rude and argues over anything (a few weeks ago I was taking him and my mother out to lunch and he couldn't decide if he wanted either the fries or side salad with his entree, I suggest he could get both and I'd be happy to pay for the extra charge and he jumped down my throat about telling him what to do), lives in a house my mother owns, he pays no rent and he is disgusting and dirty (like a hoarder), it's so gross in there.

so he has no income, none, and has no ambitions to get any kind of a job. My mother has asked me to please look after him when she dies and I've said NO. He's plenty capable, he just doesn't want to and no one is making him.

I know this is so hard, frustrating. I wish I had the magic formula for you and for me. I agree with the other posters to sell the house if that is possible. If you try to evict him and stay there it may not ever end. After that is done I would never let him live with you again.

Mental illness. It’s real.

PP here. Maybe but I've known him his entire life and he can be a real a-hole. Boundaries are not a bad thing. He is very intelligent. He can get a job and pay his bills, like everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Agree. It doesn’t matter what’s driving the AHOle behavior. Isn’t worth your time and energy to guess at it either. They can adjust their behavior if they wanted to. There are bright lines for everyone.

There are three types of people: those who out your with anything; those who leave at the first red flag; and those who should leave but keep trying and trying and usually eventually leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would look into applying for social
Security for him (mental health) and getting him subsidized housing. I would NOT replace his iPhones. I would however make sure he stays housed (in his subsidized apartment) and minimally ok (showers, eats, etc).

Can he get social security linked to your parents death?

Not if he was over 18 when they died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go by yourself to meet with a lawyer that specializes in disability matters to figure out how realistic it is for your brother to get disability payments, Medicaid, Section 8 housing, etc. Hopefully, that same lawyer can advise you on landlord tenant matters and restraining orders, but that might need to be a different lawyer.

Serve your brother with an eviction notice as advised by the lawyer. Be ready to call the police and get a restraining order if he kicks a door in or does anything else physical — this might get him out sooner.

Once he is out — even homeless — offer to help with in a public place only with paperwork for disability, housing, etc.

And get your own therapist to help let go of the guilt that you seem to feel about all this.

+1 to all of this.

This sounds incredibly hard. I am so sorry.

This is reasonable advice but the average SS disability claim takes 2-3 years to process, usually with at least one denial and appeal. Most successful claimants have a good lawyer, and the lawyer’s bills can really add up. (I used to work on various public assistance policies.)

The problems here are (a) it’s not clear the brother will eventually qualify for SSI/Medicaid, (b) brother is over 18 and would need to give his psychiatrist permission to share his diagnosis with the lawyer and/or OP, and (c) it sounds like OP needs immediate relief from the violence and acting out, not in two years.

It’s definitely worth meeting with a disability lawyer to see if he might qualify and whether brother will cooperate with the process. The lawyer would be able to say whether borderline or ADHD qualifies one for SSI, although I suspect not. But OP also needs immediate relief, and for that I like the idea of getting him his own efficiency somewhere cheap (read, far out in the suburbs) with a cut-off date that that depends on the diagnosis (if brother gives permission to share with op) that is either 6 months or when the SS claim is resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Evictions can be difficult. Your state or county will have ordinances. I've had friends that gave their friends notice and then had something posted on the outside of the house for 45 days from the sheriffs office as part of the eviction process.

If he’s a family member who has been living with you for two weeks or more (or something like two weeks), the DC police consider him a resident and won’t evict him unless there’s violence. Other localities will have similar rules and you may need a lawyer. So check into this before trying to get him evicted.

[Anonymous]

The next time he is violent get a restraining order, he will have to leave the house.

[Anonymous]

Buy him a cheap used RV type van, tell him it's time to take that cross country trip he always wanted to do, hand over some gas money and then wash your hands of him.

While he's gone change the locks and don't let him back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

He probably has borderline personality disorder as a result of your parents death in his formative years. My sibling is the same.

Be aware he might get angry or suicidal when you make this change.

Do you own your house? I would honestly move in this scenario, tell him you need a different place as move out, and either sell or rent out old place. That way you both leave rather than you tossing him out. If he kills himself realize this is not your fault, he is responsible for himself completely.

Formative years? FFS he was 20 when the parents died. Already an adult. Cut him off. If you want try to communicate a deadline for specific actions. But honestly if I were you I don’t think I’d feel safe living with him until the deadline. It’s difficult.