What to do with extreme failure to launch adult sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not relevant so feel free to ignore, but did he show any tendencies before your parents passed away or was he completely “normal” but the stress got him?
I have an anxiety that I will die too early for my son to take it in stride, that’s why I was wondering. Thank you and I hope it ends up well.

He was mostly fine. He could be little anxious at times but nothing really major. Their death was very shocking for him especially because it was at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop paying the bills. Sell the house.

I bought the house 2 years ago. It's mine. I am 3 years older than him. When our parents died I was renting a townhouse which he lived in for 2 years then rented him an apartment because I couldn't take it anymore. I bought a house just before the Pandemic and was forced to take out business loans due to the Pandemic and could not afford his rent, my mortgage and the business loans so I moved him back in with me. He has been living with me again since June 2020.

[Anonymous]

Go by yourself to meet with a lawyer that specializes in disability matters to figure out how realistic it is for your brother to get disability payments, Medicaid, Section 8 housing, etc. Hopefully, that same lawyer can advise you on landlord tenant matters and restraining orders, but that might need to be a different lawyer.

Serve your brother with an eviction notice as advised by the lawyer. Be ready to call the police and get a restraining order if he kicks a door in or does anything else physical — this might get him out sooner.

Once he is out — even homeless — offer to help with in a public place only with paperwork for disability, housing, etc.

And get your own therapist to help let go of the guilt that you seem to feel about all this.

[Anonymous]

This sounds incredibly difficult. I have a seriously mentally I’ll young adult son and a heroin addicted niece which is where my experience comes from. First, if he doesn’t leave voluntarily then you will have to evict him. It’s not easy or pretty. I would try to get social security for him so that he has income. I’d also call your county social services and see if they have any options. It will be tough because your brother has care through you and he will be low priority.

What I’ve found is that the easiest way to get help is that when there is violence, call the police and have him removed. If they can hospitalize him, the social workers will figure out housing and resources at discharge. Don’t let him come back.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but just want to say how sorry I am that you lost your parents and I applaud you for trying to do right by your little brother. You need to lookout for yourself and your own safety and happiness. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You follow your eviction procedures for the state. Call the police whenever he gets violent or breaks things. He has until the eviction to get a job and get out.

Please repeat, you've done enough. He is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Rent him another apartment and don’t pay for the renewal when the lease is up. Don’t let him move back either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rent him another apartment and don’t pay for the renewal when the lease is up. Don’t let him move back either

He’s going to need a transition period to get his ducks in a row, so if you can swing it at all, I would go this route. Move him to his own place again so he’s out of your house, and rent it for 6 months. Let him know he has 6 months to set up disability/find a job and get public-assistance housing. Tell him you’ll help him with the paperwork if he asks. Then at the end of that 6 months be firm that you are no longer involved financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

He probably has borderline personality disorder as a result of your parents death in his formative years. My sibling is the same.

Be aware he might get angry or suicidal when you make this change.

Do you own your house? I would honestly move in this scenario, tell him you need a different place as move out, and either sell or rent out old place. That way you both leave rather than you tossing him out. If he kills himself realize this is not your fault, he is responsible for himself completely.

+1 Sibling with Schizoaffective personality disorder. OP, you need to talk to a therapist yourself to understand him, and mostly to understand how to live as the primary person in his life. He obviously needs professional help, but it is so, so hard to make an adult get the help they need. Put your own life mask on first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go by yourself to meet with a lawyer that specializes in disability matters to figure out how realistic it is for your brother to get disability payments, Medicaid, Section 8 housing, etc. Hopefully, that same lawyer can advise you on landlord tenant matters and restraining orders, but that might need to be a different lawyer.

Serve your brother with an eviction notice as advised by the lawyer. Be ready to call the police and get a restraining order if he kicks a door in or does anything else physical — this might get him out sooner.

Once he is out — even homeless — offer to help with in a public place only with paperwork for disability, housing, etc.

And get your own therapist to help let go of the guilt that you seem to feel about all this.

IME, you really want to get this done first. It is a long and difficult process.

[Anonymous]

Somewhat similar story here, OP. Parents supported failure to launch brother for years. When they died a few years ago, he was completely on his own (lives in another state), homeless, couch surfing, getting in trouble. I had no idea what would happen to him but I could not support him and was not willing to help after the way I saw him take advantage of our parents for decades. I believe he has at the very least undiagnosed ADHD as well as clinical level paranoia, but he always refused to seek treatment.

Lo and behold, he got into a shelter, which led to a part-time job there, which got him some other type of housing assistance. Now he lives in an apartment (think it must be subsidized or something) and still works at the shelter. Even has a phone he can use to text me. He is managing this bare minimum level of adulting for the first time in his 40s. Has not asked me for a dime.

Sometimes people just have to hit rock bottom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

Right now he lives with me but I've also rented apartments for him in the past but it was becoming too expensive for me as I bought a house and took out business loans during the pandemic. I have been financially supporting him since he was 20. He fell into a major depression and taking year off from school turned into 7. Parents died in a car accident.

I have a colleague whose parents died in a car crash when he was 18. Guess what? He is a neurosurgeon married to another doctor and supports three children and has been this way, driven productive and determined to build an adult life that reconstitutes what he lost and more, since he was eighteen. Your brother has had enough time to go down with the ship. It is time to stop enabling him. Give him six months to make a plan and get out.

[Anonymous]

Other posters have made plenty of good suggestions, but I suspect if you were emotionally ready to do any of them you would have already done so. You are here because you are looking for a magic Option C that will turn your brother into a functional, self-supporting adult without any conflict. That option does not exist. I would strongly recommend individual therapy for you to find a way to navigate this that you can live with, and to give you the emotional support you’ll need through the process.

- Older sibling of someone with schizoaffective disorder who has been there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other posters have made plenty of good suggestions, but I suspect if you were emotionally ready to do any of them you would have already done so. You are here because you are looking for a magic Option C that will turn your brother into a functional, self-supporting adult without any conflict. That option does not exist. I would strongly recommend individual therapy for you to find a way to navigate this that you can live with, and to give you the emotional support you’ll need through the process.

- Older sibling of someone with schizoaffective disorder who has been there

+1. Another older sibling whose sibling has similar issues. Hugs OP this is emotionally hard.

[Anonymous]

I stay OUT of it. No money, no time.
I give advice but he never takes it.
Parents have the enabling codependent relation with him. He’s 40 yo living at home, gets dumped every year and is done with his 5th one off degree, been fired from every job he had.
Sadly probably has undiagnosed ADD or ASD which my parents did nothing for except lied and called it dyslexia. Dyslexia is why he had 3x a week therapy in middle school and why he can’t focus or pay attention.

Thankfully no alcohol abuse or money overspending or pregnancies.