What to do with extreme failure to launch adult sibling

[Anonymous]

I have a younger brother in his late 20s. He has never held a job. Our parents died when he was 20 and this seriously effected him. I've brought him to therapists and psychiatrists and he is on Prozac. He was diagnosed with depression and OCD. He has never held a job or had a romantic relationship. He reads books (Classics) all day and acts like a hermit but did not finish college. He's also very moody like a hormonal teenager. Everything is an issue with him and he doesn't seem to want to get it together. He also occasionally has angry outbursts that usually result in something broken. I've replaced 2 doors (he kicked them in), 3 curtain rods, 2 iPhones (threw one out of the car window), a laptop, a window and a very expensive Tiffany glass vase. He's never hit me but has threatened to. I'm in my early 30s, educated and a business owner. I don't need this abusive crap in my life and if he was anyone else he would of been out on the streets already. I've tried "talk therapy" with a psychotherapist with him and he literally refused to speak to them and wasted a few hundred dollars this way. I once had one come to the house for an intervention and he actually blocked his bedroom door with furniture. I have also offered sending him back to college or any trade school he wants to go to but he declined. I offered to allow him to work at my business but he literally sat in the parking lot in my car for close to 6 hours wasting gas and refused to come inside. I currently pay for all of his living expenses and want to cut him off. I'm at the point I can't stand him. However before I leave him completely destitute and homeless does anyone have any other suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You have to kick him out and cut him off. He’s too comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a younger brother in his late 20s. He has never held a job. Our parents died when he was 20 and this seriously effected him. I've brought him to therapists and psychiatrists and he is on Prozac. He was diagnosed with depression and OCD. He has never held a job or had a romantic relationship. He reads books (Classics) all day and acts like a hermit but did not finish college. He's also very moody like a hormonal teenager. Everything is an issue with him and he doesn't seem to want to get it together. He also occasionally has angry outbursts that usually result in something broken. I've replaced 2 doors (he kicked them in), 3 curtain rods, 2 iPhones (threw one out of the car window), a laptop, a window and a very expensive Tiffany glass vase. He's never hit me but has threatened to. I'm in my early 30s, educated and a business owner. I don't need this abusive crap in my life and if he was anyone else he would of been out on the streets already. I've tried "talk therapy" with a psychotherapist with him and he literally refused to speak to them and wasted a few hundred dollars this way. I once had one come to the house for an intervention and he actually blocked his bedroom door with furniture. I have also offered sending him back to college or any trade school he wants to go to but he declined. I offered to allow him to work at my business but he literally sat in the parking lot in my car for close to 6 hours wasting gas and refused to come inside. I currently pay for all of his living expenses and want to cut him off. I'm at the point I can't stand him. However before I leave him completely destitute and homeless does anyone have any other suggestions?

How about a realistic time line for him? Would it help to get a mediator to communicate this so he does not spin into a manipulative accusatory cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

Right now he lives with me but I've also rented apartments for him in the past but it was becoming too expensive for me as I bought a house and took out business loans during the pandemic. I have been financially supporting him since he was 20. He fell into a major depression and taking year off from school turned into 7. Parents died in a car accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

He probably has borderline personality disorder as a result of your parents death in his formative years. My sibling is the same.

Be aware he might get angry or suicidal when you make this change.

Do you own your house? I would honestly move in this scenario, tell him you need a different place as move out, and either sell or rent out old place. That way you both leave rather than you tossing him out. If he kills himself realize this is not your fault, he is responsible for himself completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

Right now he lives with me but I've also rented apartments for him in the past but it was becoming too expensive for me as I bought a house and took out business loans during the pandemic. I have been financially supporting him since he was 20. He fell into a major depression and taking year off from school turned into 7. Parents died in a car accident.

I understand why you supported him till say agree twenty three or so but at this point, you're enabling him. I understand you don't want him homeless, though! I don't know what to say. Does he literally not have a job at all? He should be able to get something with the labor shortage.

[Anonymous]

Did your parents leave him any money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a younger brother in his late 20s. He has never held a job. Our parents died when he was 20 and this seriously effected him. I've brought him to therapists and psychiatrists and he is on Prozac. He was diagnosed with depression and OCD. He has never held a job or had a romantic relationship. He reads books (Classics) all day and acts like a hermit but did not finish college. He's also very moody like a hormonal teenager. Everything is an issue with him and he doesn't seem to want to get it together. He also occasionally has angry outbursts that usually result in something broken. I've replaced 2 doors (he kicked them in), 3 curtain rods, 2 iPhones (threw one out of the car window), a laptop, a window and a very expensive Tiffany glass vase. He's never hit me but has threatened to. I'm in my early 30s, educated and a business owner. I don't need this abusive crap in my life and if he was anyone else he would of been out on the streets already. I've tried "talk therapy" with a psychotherapist with him and he literally refused to speak to them and wasted a few hundred dollars this way. I once had one come to the house for an intervention and he actually blocked his bedroom door with furniture. I have also offered sending him back to college or any trade school he wants to go to but he declined. I offered to allow him to work at my business but he literally sat in the parking lot in my car for close to 6 hours wasting gas and refused to come inside. I currently pay for all of his living expenses and want to cut him off. I'm at the point I can't stand him. However before I leave him completely destitute and homeless does anyone have any other suggestions?

How about a realistic time line for him? Would it help to get a mediator to communicate this so he does not spin into a manipulative accusatory cycle?

We've tried this and it usually goes 2 ways but ultimately ends up nowhere. The first way he says okay about getting a job then does nothing or gets very angry and screams which usually results in a broken item. I once did a joint therapy session in which he said okay to everything and signed a "contract" and upon getting in the car told me he would not be coming back to this therapist and that she could stick the paper somewhere.

[Anonymous]

I would look into applying for social
Security for him (mental health) and getting him subsidized housing. I would NOT replace his iPhones. I would however make sure he stays housed (in his subsidized apartment) and minimally ok (showers, eats, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your parents leave him any money?

It was a small amount which has been used on him already. They dropped all of their life insurance as they had no more underage children and felt it wasn't needed anymore. At this point it's all my dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your parents leave him any money?

It was a small amount which has been used on him already. They dropped all of their life insurance as they had no more underage children and felt it wasn't needed anymore. At this point it's all my dime.

usually people keep their life insurance till the kids are 26....

but anyway....

you shouldn't have to be living with and supporting a violent person. are you a man or a woman?

[Anonymous]

OP, this is not relevant so feel free to ignore, but did he show any tendencies before your parents passed away or was he completely “normal” but the stress got him?
I have an anxiety that I will die too early for my son to take it in stride, that’s why I was wondering. Thank you and I hope it ends up well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your parents leave him any money?

It was a small amount which has been used on him already. They dropped all of their life insurance as they had no more underage children and felt it wasn't needed anymore. At this point it's all my dime.

usually people keep their life insurance till the kids are 26....

but anyway....

you shouldn't have to be living with and supporting a violent person. are you a man or a woman?

Woman.

[Anonymous]

Stop paying the bills. Sell the house.