What to do with extreme failure to launch adult sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Does he live with you?

You shouldn't be having to support a grown man. Have you been fully supporting him since he was twenty? How did the situation get to this point?

How did your parents die?

This sounds like a nightmare.

He probably has borderline personality disorder as a result of your parents death in his formative years. My sibling is the same.

Be aware he might get angry or suicidal when you make this change.

Do you own your house? I would honestly move in this scenario, tell him you need a different place as move out, and either sell or rent out old place. That way you both leave rather than you tossing him out. If he kills himself realize this is not your fault, he is responsible for himself completely.

Get him on the waitlist for an in network neuropsychology test. Get the diagnosis and do targeted meds and therapies. It could be bipolar or schitzo or borderline as well as other things. Lexapro for the anger anxiety and depression - but must take daily, no breaks.

Find govt programs for him.

Set boundaries. You’re future is in jeopardy with someone line this who doesn’t think he has problems.

Are you married or have kids? Think of them too. Or if that’s not for you, fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somewhat similar story here, OP. Parents supported failure to launch brother for years. When they died a few years ago, he was completely on his own (lives in another state), homeless, couch surfing, getting in trouble. I had no idea what would happen to him but I could not support him and was not willing to help after the way I saw him take advantage of our parents for decades. I believe he has at the very least undiagnosed ADHD as well as clinical level paranoia, but he always refused to seek treatment.

Lo and behold, he got into a shelter, which led to a part-time job there, which got him some other type of housing assistance. Now he lives in an apartment (think it must be subsidized or something) and still works at the shelter. Even has a phone he can use to text me. He is managing this bare minimum level of adulting for the first time in his 40s. Has not asked me for a dime.

Sometimes people just have to hit rock bottom.

That’s a wonderful story. I’m happy that your brother found his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stay OUT of it. No money, no time.
I give advice but he never takes it.
Parents have the enabling codependent relation with him. He’s 40 yo living at home, gets dumped every year and is done with his 5th one off degree, been fired from every job he had.
Sadly probably has undiagnosed ADD or ASD which my parents did nothing for except lied and called it dyslexia. Dyslexia is why he had 3x a week therapy in middle school and why he can’t focus or pay attention.

Thankfully no alcohol abuse or money overspending or pregnancies.

What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? Do you visit them with your kids? Curious, in the same boat and navigating things myself.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy like him (I know, I know). Had a million reasons why he couldn't work, like severe depression. Would threaten suicide when the issue was brought up. Eventually in his 30s, everyone got fed up with enabling him and cut him off.

Aaaaand he got his shit together. Got a job, an apartment, pays for all his own things. Even has a career going and started a business. Amazing how people can do it when they have no other choice.

I'd evict him and cut him off financially. Maybe give him 3 months worth of expenses money to get him started, then you're out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not relevant so feel free to ignore, but did he show any tendencies before your parents passed away or was he completely “normal” but the stress got him?
I have an anxiety that I will die too early for my son to take it in stride, that’s why I was wondering. Thank you and I hope it ends up well.

He was mostly fine. He could be little anxious at times but nothing really major. Their death was very shocking for him especially because it was at the same time.

Thank you so much for responding! And best of luck. I am the one who suggested looking into SSI and such for him. He is technically a separate family/household (staying with you) so it may pan out.

[Anonymous]

He needs some social services, maybe a disability diagnosis. I agree with the PP who said you should move instead of kicking him out. Sell the house. Move somewhere without him. Give him a ton of warning. Find out what social services he might be entitled to.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my brother, except my mother is still alive and he's 38.

Kept flunking out of colleges (even though he loved college) because he was staying up all night playing video games and sleeping all day; can't keep a job (either quits or gets fired for calling in sick all the time) because he has "anxiety", is rude and argues over anything (a few weeks ago I was taking him and my mother out to lunch and he couldn't decide if he wanted either the fries or side salad with his entree, I suggest he could get both and I'd be happy to pay for the extra charge and he jumped down my throat about telling him what to do), lives in a house my mother owns, he pays no rent and he is disgusting and dirty (like a hoarder), it's so gross in there.

so he has no income, none, and has no ambitions to get any kind of a job. My mother has asked me to please look after him when she dies and I've said NO. He's plenty capable, he just doesn't want to and no one is making him.

I know this is so hard, frustrating. I wish I had the magic formula for you and for me. I agree with the other posters to sell the house if that is possible. If you try to evict him and stay there it may not ever end. After that is done I would never let him live with you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look into applying for social
Security for him (mental health) and getting him subsidized housing. I would NOT replace his iPhones. I would however make sure he stays housed (in his subsidized apartment) and minimally ok (showers, eats, etc).

+1 supporting him as you’ve done will not improve the situation and won’t help him become independent. See if he can get support from the state. I’d also make a plan and he has to meet certain milestones or he will get kicked out. I think there needs to be a little more tough love unless you want to support him for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but just want to say how sorry I am that you lost your parents and I applaud you for trying to do right by your little brother. You need to lookout for yourself and your own safety and happiness. Good luck.

+100 I am so sorry too. But at some point you simply have to drop the rope. I’m sure you will feel terrible but this is not something that you can fix. People have to want to fix themselves.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to treat him like the child he is. He needs to be medicated. He needs a purpose. Job, school, something. Once he gets job, he needs to find his own place. Help him find a place. Don’t drag yourself down with him. Enroll in CC now for spring semester and be in an apartment by 3/1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go by yourself to meet with a lawyer that specializes in disability matters to figure out how realistic it is for your brother to get disability payments, Medicaid, Section 8 housing, etc. Hopefully, that same lawyer can advise you on landlord tenant matters and restraining orders, but that might need to be a different lawyer.

Serve your brother with an eviction notice as advised by the lawyer. Be ready to call the police and get a restraining order if he kicks a door in or does anything else physical — this might get him out sooner.

Once he is out — even homeless — offer to help with in a public place only with paperwork for disability, housing, etc.

And get your own therapist to help let go of the guilt that you seem to feel about all this.

+1 to all of this.

This sounds incredibly hard. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look into applying for social
Security for him (mental health) and getting him subsidized housing. I would NOT replace his iPhones. I would however make sure he stays housed (in his subsidized apartment) and minimally ok (showers, eats, etc).

That's what I was going to say. If he has never held a job, if he is deemed eligible, he will get SSI and automatically qualify for Medicaid, which will cover medical expenses. Since he clearly has a prescriber, they can help with the eligibility determination (medical documentation). If at all possible, try to obtain case management services as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look into applying for social
Security for him (mental health) and getting him subsidized housing. I would NOT replace his iPhones. I would however make sure he stays housed (in his subsidized apartment) and minimally ok (showers, eats, etc).

Can he get social security linked to your parents death?

[Anonymous]

Evictions can be difficult. Your state or county will have ordinances. I've had friends that gave their friends notice and then had something posted on the outside of the house for 45 days from the sheriffs office as part of the eviction process.

[Anonymous]

Does he own a vehicle? Worst case he can sleep in the vehicle.