Help me with techniques for addressing my MIL’s behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.
Make a list of same old stories and put on a card. Use the BINGO card for yourself. If it fills up, give yourself a special treat.
-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.
Stop waiting for her to join in. Just invite her. If she says no, then say “Oh well. I’m taking the kids out for a walk. See you in an hour.”

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.
“Perfect. That means it’s time for Mommy-Larla time. Madge, thanks for watching the kids while I take the baby.” Then leave the room and enjoy some quiet time away from here.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.
Not sure what to do about this. Remind yourself that she’s only there for a week.


-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.
STOP SHARING! This is on you. For a week you can regulate yourself and keep your complaints/frustrations to yourself. Call a friend. Write in your journal. But stop trying to make conversation with her about this.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.
It’s a week. You can manage this behavior. Stop judging her. She’s a grandparent and wants to feel like she’s doing something special for her grandchildren.”

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.
Your husband needs to address this.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.
Let it go.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from
Her on these things very well.

I agree with almost all of this.

The dead relative thing is all you. It's not going to hurt your kid to hear about their deceased relatives. Maybe ask your MIL to tell some stories about her family. "What was Great-Aunt Louise like? Who was your favorite aunt growing up? Why did you like her?" Etc. She wants to feel that her grandchildren are connected to her family. So what? You need some validation from her that they look like your family? Why not take the opportunity to hear about her family (which is your husband's family)? Encourage your kid to ask questions about what life was like "back then" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally, when my ILs visit, work is SO busy for me! I have to work late and early, there are work events in the evening, my gym class schedule picks up, I suddenly have to run errands for particular lightbulbs that are sold at the farther away specialty lighting store, etc. It’s so amazing that all of this just happens to coincide with their visits. After years of mounting irritation and frustration with their behavior, I took the “not my circus not my monkeys” approach and let H deal with them. Shockingly, without me there to bear the brunt of their behavior and to shield him from it, he now finds their visits intolerable and the frequency and duration of the visits has decreased drastically since subjected to the full regimen of their outlandish behavior and demands as guests, he doesn’t want a 16 day visit anymore.

This is EXACTLY what I do!

My MIL is like this. She is FINE she just annoys me and honestly OP, that's how I read your post as well. Nothing she did sounds terrible just....annoying. My MIL is the same way. So when they come to visit I make myself scarce. I have work, friends, bingo WHATEVER. But it keeps me calm and makes my husband the host instead.

[Anonymous]

prescription medication or alcohol will help get you through the week. Also, wear headphones a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, lots of good suggestions. I’m exhausted and I hate hosting company when I’m sleep deprived. I have no reserves left and then MIL comes and exhausts me further. I should add that on top of this My MIL also has a ton of food issues. She can’t cook to save her life and eats only organic, gluten free and dairy free and vegetarian which makes cooking meals when she’s here impossible. She also obsessively monitors what everyone else eats and is constantly asking me what the kids are eating. And then at mealtime she stares at and obsessively monitors what I and DH and the kids eat. And she refuses all alcohol and dessert and makes a big production about how “rich” the foods we eat are and they don’t agree with her and make her feel ill to eat. So Larla will say Grandma why don’t you eat meat? And we all have to eat a lecture about how bad meat is. And then Larla will say, have ice cream Grandma! And she will go on about how dairy is too rich and makes her feel ill. Maybe if I could have a glass of wine or some dessert or even dinner without her staring at me or peppering me endlessly (what’s Larla eating right now? At snack time for instance) and monitoring me because she clearly has some undiagnosed eating disorder I wouldn’t mind her presence so much. Or if she’d cook for herself and not expect us to cater to her insane diet. So I guess that just fuels my fire.

I'll get flamed for this but my IL's are such a PITA that my DH started pouring me wine in a coffee mug whenever they were starting to be a bit much and I couldn't get away. I know it sounds bad but it's a gesture that makes us laugh and the wine chills me out and I don't have to deal with their judgment that I'm having a glass at whatever hour.

[Anonymous]

I normally am on DIL sides here in DCUM but I feel so sorry for this poor MIL. She is just old and poor, and her DIL hates her for being old and poor.

Nearly everything DIL wrote us just a function of being old and a bit anxious. And her DIL hates her for it.

It's heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are super critical and very difficult people. When I got married, they would continually comment on every single thing that they though we are doing wrong but would not lift a finger to o help. I have learned to outfox them and they also sing my praises to everyone now. What do I do?

My super weapon is lots of food. I ply them with lots of mini snacks and drinks. I keep making small plates of snacks and asking them to taste it. They love to eat. So it is usually two-three pieces of mini quiches followed by a few slices of fruits followed by cheese-on-toast followed by spicy wontons followed by a couple of stuffed mushrooms followed by some mini crab cakes with an interesting dip...you get the idea. I also situate them in comfortable arm chairs, in front of the TV, with blankets, next to the fireplace.

Basically all that food and the warm comfy place gets them full, drowsy, sleepy and then they go off to take a nap. They also feel very happy to think that I am slaving away at kitchen (I am not - these are premade frozen stuff) and that I care enough to keep giving them food and drinks. It gives me a great opportunity to escape.

I am always in sight but not really talking to them. There can never be a heart to heart with them. Another thing is that when they make a comment, I just keep asking them questions. I am also super cheerful and they eventually give up. Example -

My kid comes and asks me for a snack. MIL says "This is not the time to snack and you will spoil your appetite for lunch". I immediately ask her "When DH was growing up, what was your snack policy?". She will launch into a long litany of how she did things. Then I will ask her "What was his favorite snack? What is an easy snack to fix?" In the meantime, I have fixed a snack and given to the kid, and also asked 101 questions to the MIL. She gets exhausted after some time and just goes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I normally am on DIL sides here in DCUM but I feel so sorry for this poor MIL. She is just old and poor, and her DIL hates her for being old and poor.

Nearly everything DIL wrote us just a function of being old and a bit anxious. And her DIL hates her for it.

It's heartbreaking.

Wow I didn’t get that OP “HATES” her MIL. She’s just annoyed by her. We all have annoying people in our lives. I think most people responding were pretty understanding that OP’s MIL is annoying, OP can’t really do anything to change her MIL’s behavior, so here are some ideas to get out of the house/have time to herself a little more. A week straight is a long, loooong time to spend with someone you find annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.

-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.

-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from her on these things very well.

Are you a horrible DIL? I think not. You are human and get irritated. Is she a horrible MIL? I think not. She is also human and old. She will do things that you find irritating.

Nothing you MIL is saying is mean or horrible. It is just an older person going on and on. I think you dislike her and you are self-centered. It is ok. This just means that you are not a particularly smart person and you are not a kind person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I normally am on DIL sides here in DCUM but I feel so sorry for this poor MIL. She is just old and poor, and her DIL hates her for being old and poor.

Nearly everything DIL wrote us just a function of being old and a bit anxious. And her DIL hates her for it.

It's heartbreaking.

Wow I didn’t get that OP “HATES” her MIL. She’s just annoyed by her. We all have annoying people in our lives. I think most people responding were pretty understanding that OP’s MIL is annoying, OP can’t really do anything to change her MIL’s behavior, so here are some ideas to get out of the house/have time to herself a little more. A week straight is a long, loooong time to spend with someone you find annoying.

It sounds like hate. She has no compassion for normal aging or poverty and can't stand to be in the same room as her MIL.

Maybe it's not hate, though. It is possible OP is just one of those people with no compassion or ability to empathize with people she looks down on.

[Anonymous]

And to translate: OPs husband is really saying "I think I see you for who you are, and I do not like it."

It takes a lot for a DH to say what OPs DH did. That is strongly worded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are super critical and very difficult people. When I got married, they would continually comment on every single thing that they though we are doing wrong but would not lift a finger to o help. I have learned to outfox them and they also sing my praises to everyone now. What do I do?

My super weapon is lots of food. I ply them with lots of mini snacks and drinks. I keep making small plates of snacks and asking them to taste it. They love to eat. So it is usually two-three pieces of mini quiches followed by a few slices of fruits followed by cheese-on-toast followed by spicy wontons followed by a couple of stuffed mushrooms followed by some mini crab cakes with an interesting dip...you get the idea. I also situate them in comfortable arm chairs, in front of the TV, with blankets, next to the fireplace.

Basically all that food and the warm comfy place gets them full, drowsy, sleepy and then they go off to take a nap. They also feel very happy to think that I am slaving away at kitchen (I am not - these are premade frozen stuff) and that I care enough to keep giving them food and drinks. It gives me a great opportunity to escape.

I am always in sight but not really talking to them. There can never be a heart to heart with them. Another thing is that when they make a comment, I just keep asking them questions. I am also super cheerful and they eventually give up. Example -

My kid comes and asks me for a snack. MIL says "This is not the time to snack and you will spoil your appetite for lunch". I immediately ask her "When DH was growing up, what was your snack policy?". She will launch into a long litany of how she did things. Then I will ask her "What was his favorite snack? What is an easy snack to fix?" In the meantime, I have fixed a snack and given to the kid, and also asked 101 questions to the MIL. She gets exhausted after some time and just goes away.

This made me laugh so hard - brilliant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.

-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.

-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from her on these things very well.

Are you a horrible DIL? I think not. You are human and get irritated. Is she a horrible MIL? I think not. She is also human and old. She will do things that you find irritating.

Nothing you MIL is saying is mean or horrible. It is just an older person going on and on. I think you dislike her and you are self-centered. It is ok. This just means that you are not a particularly smart person and you are not a kind person.

I was with you till the last few sentences - you sounded nice, philosophical and acknowledged everyone’s humanity -/ but then launched a missile attack at the end “oh and by the way you are dumb and mean”. Just was just unkind, patronizing and unhelpful.

We are online strangers and it is not possible to authoritatively evaluate other posters’ general real life characters and intelligence levels …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like you don’t like your MIL and are picking at what are slightly annoying but fairly harmless behaviors. You also sound dramatic and judgmental.

My ILs are a huge PIA to host, and my FIL tells lots of war stories and I smile and keep my mouth shut and cook them dinners that I wouldn’t normally cook because they like bland food. Because they love my DH, they love our 4 kids, and I can bear it for their sake because I am a mature adult. I do give my DH hell to try to set some boundaries before they come, because they are really challenging people to host, but I’m not hosting them because they are my friends, but because it’s important to my kids and my DH.

You could have given this advice without being so judgmental of OP. I would be irritated as well.

Being critical and judgmental yourself right off the bat undermines the soundness of your counsel.

But that PP is right. Based on facts presented, OP is dramatic and judgmental. What her DH is saying is pretty telling. For a DH to say something that strongly worded points to the fact that the PP is correct.

[Anonymous]

These are irritating but mostly NBD. Try to strategize time away. Work, gym, nap, walks, DH managing. Outings to museums, parks, playgrounds, walks. When she tells those stories laugh and nod along. It won't hurt you.

[Anonymous]

OP I think there are a few important things:

- you are exhausted already, so don't have bandwidth for this
- you shouldn't be asked to handle everything for her.

I'd suggest:
- I love the PP's suggestions of all the things you need to do. Maybe it's just to go to someone else's house. Or retreating into your room for long periods of time. But really, create a schedule that allows you a lot of down time. the annoying stories will be much easier in smaller doses.
- Your sleep is critical, so say 8pm-8am you are in your room. DH and MIL can handle the kids except your DH can bring you the baby.
- Your DH should take MIL out on some special outings. That is not your job. You are staying home with the baby, DH can take the kids.
- Your DH handles the food situation -- he can call her to get a sense of some things she likes. He can buy some premade food or just steam vegetables or brown rice as sides for your meals that are easy to do so she always has an alternative. You can continue to cook if that is normal but the planning and mental load for what to serve to satisfy her are on him.
- Your DH should approach the problem of the glitter / decorations and gifts. He can make it into a moral issue: "We are worried that glitter and many of the adhesives are terrible for the environment. We are really working to commit to all natural material stuffies, wood toys, etc.." or whatever includes what you would find acceptable. She's already moralistic about food so this should play right in.
- I agree that some internal amusements about her stories, etc are probably good therapy for bad situations. But really, you should have a way to excuse yourself as needed while she is there. I threw my FIL out of my house after a visit where I was really sick from childbirth and he expected to be waited on. He was being a jerk, but really I could have handled it better by drawing my boundaries before the point where I lost it and asked DH and BIL who was also visiting for more help.