Tinder for dead bedrooms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think has led to this, OP? Have either of you gained weight? Do you go on dates anymore? Do you both contribute to the household? Seems you should fix the root of the problem. Sure, lots of it is that women lose interest in a partner long-term, but most are willing to make an effort if they are still being treated like they are valued and desired.

she might have gained some during COVID but it’s hard to tell. Honestly we are stressed a lot of the time having two kids and working out a equitable division of labor. It takes a lot of work. We have gone on some dates. We had one on Saturday which was very nice. I really thought it would happen that night but nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:43 y/o male. Wife and I have sex at most twice a year and it’s clear she isn’t into it. Honestly she seems grossed out by my simple touch. She really does
Doesn’t see the issue and won’t talk to counselor. She has told me I should jerk off more of it bothers me. I want to work on it but if she refuses to talk to a professional or even admit there is an issue what can I do? I’m starved for physical affection and it’s bothering more every day. I even googled chemical castration once because my libido was making me so unhappy.

I know people say I should get a divorce. But divorce means sleeping in a different house than my kids, screwing up my finances and moving into a crappy apartment. Plus I’ve got the good job. She would be in a tough spot without me. It feels like a giant punishment for having some normal human desires.


I see enough women on here who have the same problem. It seems like there should be a place where sex starved spouses can met to get some relief. I would kill for just actually getting to touch someone at this point.

Yes I know it’s a bad option but in my situation they are all has options.

How old are your kids?

How long has this been going on? Was your relationship different in the beginning?

in the interest of remaining anonymous I won’t say but it’s a busy time of life for both of them. Sex was great at first. Of course that was during the W Bush administration. She has always been a little weird about sex. We didn’t actually have sex until three months after we started going out which seemed a little weird but I liked her and wanted her to do it when she felt comfortable. Then the sex was great. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:43 y/o male. Wife and I have sex at most twice a year and it’s clear she isn’t into it. Honestly she seems grossed out by my simple touch. She really does
Doesn’t see the issue and won’t talk to counselor. She has told me I should jerk off more of it bothers me. I want to work on it but if she refuses to talk to a professional or even admit there is an issue what can I do? I’m starved for physical affection and it’s bothering more every day. I even googled chemical castration once because my libido was making me so unhappy.

I know people say I should get a divorce. But divorce means sleeping in a different house than my kids, screwing up my finances and moving into a crappy apartment. Plus I’ve got the good job. She would be in a tough spot without me. It feels like a giant punishment for having some normal human desires.


I see enough women on here who have the same problem. It seems like there should be a place where sex starved spouses can met to get some relief. I would kill for just actually getting to touch someone at this point.

Yes I know it’s a bad option but in my situation they are all has options.

How old are your kids?

How long has this been going on? Was your relationship different in the beginning?

in the interest of remaining anonymous I won’t say but it’s a busy time of life for both of them. Sex was great at first. Of course that was during the W Bush administration. She has always been a little weird about sex. We didn’t actually have sex until three months after we started going out which seemed a little weird but I liked her and wanted her to do it when she felt comfortable. Then the sex was great. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

If it’s been a busy time for your kids, with the pandemic has it been busier than normal for your wife?

There’s a new article every week on how the nation’s women are having a very tough time and feel burned out after a year where institutions for education and childcare haven’t been fully functioning as normal. I wonder if that might be part of it. When have things started getting especially distant?

[Anonymous]

Have enough basic respect for the person you married to not lie and cheat on her. Either try to fix it within the marrage or if you can't, leave. Imagine what your wife will think of herself if she finds out. Imagine what your kids will think of you or her if they find out. Think about how this will impact your children's ability to have heathly, trusting relationships as adults if they find out.

Take care of yourself, fine. But don't f*ck it up for everyone around you. Get a divorce and find someone more compatbale. But don't selfishly think that you having an affair is somehow the best for your relationship or family. That's just you trying to justify what you want.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if OP is a troll since this topic always goes on for pages and pages of everyone arguing the same points that are in a million threads.

But dude, just have an affair and don't get caught. And if your wife catches you, who cares? She should expect that you will want to sleep around.

And if she divorces you, then you are in the same boat you would have been in if you just divorced first. But at least you have a chance at keeping the family together.

And no one is going to see you as the bad guy, and if your wife decides to drag you through the mud, just do the same to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have enough basic respect for the person you married to not lie and cheat on her. Either try to fix it within the marrage or if you can't, leave. Imagine what your wife will think of herself if she finds out. Imagine what your kids will think of you or her if they find out. Think about how this will impact your children's ability to have heathly, trusting relationships as adults if they find out.

Take care of yourself, fine. But don't f*ck it up for everyone around you. Get a divorce and find someone more compatbale. But don't selfishly think that you having an affair is somehow the best for your relationship or family. That's just you trying to justify what you want.

i agree. Cheating is bad. But she won’t talk about it. And I don’t want to get a divorce. I really wish I didn’t have these desires. I wish I could just cut out the sexual nature of my being all together. Maybe there is some kind of medication I don’t know but every day it’s driving me more and more nuts. I feel like a monk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Not the PP and I appreciate how this strategy is not one size fits all, but what does OP have to lose? He's already not getting any. In this area, there is no less than zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is a troll since this topic always goes on for pages and pages of everyone arguing the same points that are in a million threads.

But dude, just have an affair and don't get caught. And if your wife catches you, who cares? She should expect that you will want to sleep around.

And if she divorces you, then you are in the same boat you would have been in if you just divorced first. But at least you have a chance at keeping the family together.

And no one is going to see you as the bad guy, and if your wife decides to drag you through the mud, just do the same to her.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have enough basic respect for the person you married to not lie and cheat on her. Either try to fix it within the marrage or if you can't, leave. Imagine what your wife will think of herself if she finds out. Imagine what your kids will think of you or her if they find out. Think about how this will impact your children's ability to have heathly, trusting relationships as adults if they find out.

Take care of yourself, fine. But don't f*ck it up for everyone around you. Get a divorce and find someone more compatbale. But don't selfishly think that you having an affair is somehow the best for your relationship or family. That's just you trying to justify what you want.

+100%

It destroyed a dear friend of mine…and two families since they were both married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have enough basic respect for the person you married to not lie and cheat on her. Either try to fix it within the marrage or if you can't, leave. Imagine what your wife will think of herself if she finds out. Imagine what your kids will think of you or her if they find out. Think about how this will impact your children's ability to have heathly, trusting relationships as adults if they find out.

Take care of yourself, fine. But don't f*ck it up for everyone around you. Get a divorce and find someone more compatbale. But don't selfishly think that you having an affair is somehow the best for your relationship or family. That's just you trying to justify what you want.

+100%

It destroyed a dear friend of mine…and two families since they were both married.

Why is leaving better than cheating? I don't get it. Just keep the family together and take care not to get caught. If you do get caught, it's no different. Not like the wife should be surprised that he wants to get some outside of the marriage. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have enough basic respect for the person you married to not lie and cheat on her. Either try to fix it within the marrage or if you can't, leave. Imagine what your wife will think of herself if she finds out. Imagine what your kids will think of you or her if they find out. Think about how this will impact your children's ability to have heathly, trusting relationships as adults if they find out.

Take care of yourself, fine. But don't f*ck it up for everyone around you. Get a divorce and find someone more compatbale. But don't selfishly think that you having an affair is somehow the best for your relationship or family. That's just you trying to justify what you want.

+100%

It destroyed a dear friend of mine…and two families since they were both married.

Why is leaving better than cheating? I don't get it. Just keep the family together and take care not to get caught. If you do get caught, it's no different. Not like the wife should be surprised that he wants to get some outside of the marriage. Ridiculous.

It’s a lot different. Cheating makes for a much more acrimonious divorce and more psychological harm to the spouse and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have enough basic respect for the person you married to not lie and cheat on her. Either try to fix it within the marrage or if you can't, leave. Imagine what your wife will think of herself if she finds out. Imagine what your kids will think of you or her if they find out. Think about how this will impact your children's ability to have heathly, trusting relationships as adults if they find out.

Take care of yourself, fine. But don't f*ck it up for everyone around you. Get a divorce and find someone more compatbale. But don't selfishly think that you having an affair is somehow the best for your relationship or family. That's just you trying to justify what you want.

+100%

It destroyed a dear friend of mine…and two families since they were both married.

Why is leaving better than cheating? I don't get it. Just keep the family together and take care not to get caught. If you do get caught, it's no different. Not like the wife should be surprised that he wants to get some outside of the marriage. Ridiculous.

It’s a lot different. Cheating makes for a much more acrimonious divorce and more psychological harm to the spouse and kids.

op here. No I have not intention of cheating. Was venting out loud. But I am a the point where I need to make an ultimatum. Take this problem seriously and let’s talk to someone or let me go outside the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Read the book Come As You Are and give it to your wife too. You could also ask for an open relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have enough basic respect for the person you married to not lie and cheat on her. Either try to fix it within the marrage or if you can't, leave. Imagine what your wife will think of herself if she finds out. Imagine what your kids will think of you or her if they find out. Think about how this will impact your children's ability to have heathly, trusting relationships as adults if they find out.

Take care of yourself, fine. But don't f*ck it up for everyone around you. Get a divorce and find someone more compatbale. But don't selfishly think that you having an affair is somehow the best for your relationship or family. That's just you trying to justify what you want.

+100%

It destroyed a dear friend of mine…and two families since they were both married.

Why is leaving better than cheating? I don't get it. Just keep the family together and take care not to get caught. If you do get caught, it's no different. Not like the wife should be surprised that he wants to get some outside of the marriage. Ridiculous.

It’s a lot different. Cheating makes for a much more acrimonious divorce and more psychological harm to the spouse and kids.

If the spouse never wants to have sex, doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to change, why is there any surprise or harm or additional acrimony? I'm sorry, a spouse like OP's is just as selfish and uncommitted to the marriage. And why do the kids even need to know?