How do you let go of old friends that you just don't feel comfortable being around anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

Today I found out that DH and I have not been invited to a friend's birthday party while everyone else in our friendship circle has received an invitation. Strange, given that I always invite this woman to my own birthday parties.

We are not young anymore. We're in our early/mid 50s to early 60s. DH and I have always been polite and courteous to people here. We haven't done anything wrong.

If you decide to let go of people, please think of how hurtful it feels for the other to be ghosted without a reasonable explanation.

Slight derail. What exactly would you want to hear that you would accept— that wouldn’t feel or be cruel?
I’m asking in part because I have a childhood acquaintance who did something that I viewed as unforgivable— and I told her this. Despite my directness, she continues to reach out and I try to be polite — both because we share lifelong friends, and because she genuinely doesn’t seem to get it. So what sorts of explanations are reasonable, effective, and not cruel?

PP here. To answer your question, here are some examples of explanations that I think would be effective and not cruel:

'I don't think we have a lot in common (anymore) because xyz'.
'You and I lead very different lives and we see things differently. I think this isn't working'.
'You like doing things that I really don't enjoy so perhaps we should see each other less often'.
'I have a hectic schedule and I really can't find the time to meet up for coffee/lunch/activities' (if they are really busy - some people use this as an excuse to let someone go).

Explanations and actions that I think are unsatisfactory are:
Ghosting without an explanation. The worst!
Delayed reply without an explanation when texting. I mean not replying within, say a week. Or if periods between replies are getting longer and longer, and/or replies are getting shorter and shorter.
I can't meet up with you. No explanation given.
I'm really busy this week/next week/next month. No alternative date offered. I always ask for an alternative date or plan. 'So when would be good for you?'
Or 'What would work for you?'
Being excluded from group activities or events where mutual friends are included. No explanation given.

The people who have done this are all middle aged, educated people and I think they should be mature enough and have the guts to be direct about these things.

Thank you for such a detailed response. Sadly, I’ve already done the things that you listed — and they have been less effective than I had hoped. What’s truly befuddling to me is that this person deliberately seeks connections with me — and not with mutual friends who would be more welcoming. I guess I’ll rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

I personally don't mind a slow fade and think it's probably the the kindest result if the problem is simply growing apart and there's not specific, precipitating event.

However, I once had a friend who was, in retrospect, trying to slow fade me. But when we saw each other , she would almost compulsively tell me how much she missed me, that she was so sorry for being out of touch for a while, and suggest all kinds of ideas for our next get together. It was really confusing! Especially because I was already pretty close to accepting a slow fade (there was this difference of opinion over social circle that I think we'd realized by then would never be resolved and always be a problem in our relationship). But her comments kept making me think "oh, this person really values me, I need to work harder to retain this friendship." And then she'd once again start avoiding me, taking a long time to reply to texts/emails, or cancelling and rescheduling plans multiple times. In the end we parted with a lot more bad feelings than we should have, because I wound up feeling very jerked around by her behavior the last year of our friendship.

So just be clear in your own head as to what you want. Don't initiate a slow fade and then, when you realize what it actually means to lose this person, suddenly invite her on a girls weekend, then remember what the problem was and stop returning her texts. That kind fo Jekyll and Hyde is much, much worse than ghosting someone, IMO. It causes a lot more self doubt and feelings of rejection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have slow faded people and probably they have felt ghosted. I think sometimes people want open explanations but aren't always open to what is presented to them, don't accept it - argue. It's not a case of needing to defend yourself, it is simply that the other person no longer wants to be around it / you.

Friends come and go, this is something people need to accept. Years ago I had a work friend who told me she thought each person she was friends with served a function and they were easily replaceable, or in time would automatically be replaced by another person with the same function. It seemed harsh at the time I heard it but she was absolutely right and as a result she had no trouble moving on from friendships that didn't really hold water any more.

Okay, but if you feel it is necessary for YOU to slow fade people you have previously been friends with or spent a lot of time with, the least you can do is explain to them why you want to let them go. Slow fading or ghosting without an explanation is really unfair. And immature too.

I always want to know WHY.
If I get fired from my job I want to know why. If I get turned down after a job interview I'd like to get feedback- whether positive or negative. It's helpful to know WHY. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

Ok well I can guess why people slow fade or ghost you. You're too controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.

+2 it’s allowed me to let go of friends who I generally like but don’t necessarily want or need to be close to.

Okay, understood. But did you tell them that this is what you were doing? Do they know your reasons for doing this? I think you owe them an explanation. People aren't mind readers.

DP, life is short and time is limited. I have other friends I’d rather spend my time with.

Do you really think people actually want to hear this?

No, people may not WANT to hear this but I still think you owe them an explanation. Why can't you have a grown-up conversation with the people you clearly want out of your life and explain to them why you feel things aren't working for you anymore? Or do you prefer to leave them guessing?

I don't know how old you are but I'm not that young anymore and I have put up with other people's crap too many times in the past. So, if someone feels we no longer can be friends or even friendly acquaintances, then fine, but I want to know why and I would want them to tell me directly, not by ghosting or slow fading me. I'm too old for these stupid, childish games.

[Anonymous]

I can think of 2 friends who seemed to have distanced themselves from me. Both are divorced.

My childhood best friend is divorced and childless. Over the years, we just seem to have less and less in common. She also lives in a different state so the texts, calls, visits and trips have just become nonexistent since covid.

I have another friend who was a close family friend. She got divorced last year and seems to have just dropped me. I don’t think it is just me though, maybe all our mom and family friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.

+2 it’s allowed me to let go of friends who I generally like but don’t necessarily want or need to be close to.

Okay, understood. But did you tell them that this is what you were doing? Do they know your reasons for doing this? I think you owe them an explanation. People aren't mind readers.

DP, life is short and time is limited. I have other friends I’d rather spend my time with.

Do you really think people actually want to hear this?

No, people may not WANT to hear this but I still think you owe them an explanation. Why can't you have a grown-up conversation with the people you clearly want out of your life and explain to them why you feel things aren't working for you anymore? Or do you prefer to leave them guessing?

I don't know how old you are but I'm not that young anymore and I have put up with other people's crap too many times in the past. So, if someone feels we no longer can be friends or even friendly acquaintances, then fine, but I want to know why and I would want them to tell me directly, not by ghosting or slow fading me. I'm too old for these stupid, childish games.

I’m nearly 50, and there isn’t a nice way to say this - but you sound like an emotional drain. In my experience, adults understand that friendships grow closer, grow looser, grow tighter, fade away completely and everything in between. You don’t have to actually explain that in your limited time, you are picking other people to see more frequently. For many, slow fade = friendly acquaintance. But for someone like you, it doesn’t sound like that’s not good enough for you. If someone committed a friendship violation, go ahead and tell them, but for growing apart? Gentle distancing over time is actually the adult response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.

+2 it’s allowed me to let go of friends who I generally like but don’t necessarily want or need to be close to.

Okay, understood. But did you tell them that this is what you were doing? Do they know your reasons for doing this? I think you owe them an explanation. People aren't mind readers.

DP, life is short and time is limited. I have other friends I’d rather spend my time with.

Do you really think people actually want to hear this?

No, people may not WANT to hear this but I still think you owe them an explanation. Why can't you have a grown-up conversation with the people you clearly want out of your life and explain to them why you feel things aren't working for you anymore? Or do you prefer to leave them guessing?

I don't know how old you are but I'm not that young anymore and I have put up with other people's crap too many times in the past. So, if someone feels we no longer can be friends or even friendly acquaintances, then fine, but I want to know why and I would want them to tell me directly, not by ghosting or slow fading me. I'm too old for these stupid, childish games.

I’m nearly 50, and there isn’t a nice way to say this - but you sound like an emotional drain. In my experience, adults understand that friendships grow closer, grow looser, grow tighter, fade away completely and everything in between. You don’t have to actually explain that in your limited time, you are picking other people to see more frequently. For many, slow fade = friendly acquaintance. But for someone like you, it doesn’t sound like that’s not good enough for you. If someone committed a friendship violation, go ahead and tell them, but for growing apart? Gentle distancing over time is actually the adult response.

That should be
But for you, it sounds like that’s not good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.

+2 it’s allowed me to let go of friends who I generally like but don’t necessarily want or need to be close to.

Okay, understood. But did you tell them that this is what you were doing? Do they know your reasons for doing this? I think you owe them an explanation. People aren't mind readers.

DP, life is short and time is limited. I have other friends I’d rather spend my time with.

Do you really think people actually want to hear this?

No, people may not WANT to hear this but I still think you owe them an explanation. Why can't you have a grown-up conversation with the people you clearly want out of your life and explain to them why you feel things aren't working for you anymore? Or do you prefer to leave them guessing?

I don't know how old you are but I'm not that young anymore and I have put up with other people's crap too many times in the past. So, if someone feels we no longer can be friends or even friendly acquaintances, then fine, but I want to know why and I would want them to tell me directly, not by ghosting or slow fading me. I'm too old for these stupid, childish games.

I’m nearly 50, and there isn’t a nice way to say this - but you sound like an emotional drain. In my experience, adults understand that friendships grow closer, grow looser, grow tighter, fade away completely and everything in between. You don’t have to actually explain that in your limited time, you are picking other people to see more frequently. For many, slow fade = friendly acquaintance. But for someone like you, it doesn’t sound like that’s not good enough for you. If someone committed a friendship violation, go ahead and tell them, but for growing apart? Gentle distancing over time is actually the adult response.

I'm not much older than you.
All I can say is that it hurts. It hurts to be ghosted. It hurts when someone only interacts with me when they want something from me. It hurts when I don't get included in stuff that mutual friends get invited to.

You say that I sound like an emotional drain. I want to have a good, strong circle of friends and a great social life. One doesn't achieve this by staying in the background like a wallflower. I like being proactive with friends. I also think being friends also means being honest with each other.

My oldest friend is 54, we've known each other since kindergarten. She lives 6 hours away so we don't see each other all the time. She is direct and I value that. If I ask her for her opinion on something - anything - she will say exactly what she thinks, even if it's not what I would like to hear. But we've known each other too long to let our friendship fall apart. She would never ghost me and I would never do that to her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

This is a joke, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can think of 2 friends who seemed to have distanced themselves from me. Both are divorced.

My childhood best friend is divorced and childless. Over the years, we just seem to have less and less in common. She also lives in a different state so the texts, calls, visits and trips have just become nonexistent since covid.

I have another friend who was a close family friend. She got divorced last year and seems to have just dropped me. I don’t think it is just me though, maybe all our mom and family friends.

Has it occurred to you in the case of your divorced friends that they’re going through a lot emotionally and otherwise and maybe need you to be more proactive in seeing how they are doing? Divorce is painful and isolating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can think of 2 friends who seemed to have distanced themselves from me. Both are divorced.

My childhood best friend is divorced and childless. Over the years, we just seem to have less and less in common. She also lives in a different state so the texts, calls, visits and trips have just become nonexistent since covid.

I have another friend who was a close family friend. She got divorced last year and seems to have just dropped me. I don’t think it is just me though, maybe all our mom and family friends.

Has it occurred to you in the case of your divorced friends that they’re going through a lot emotionally and otherwise and maybe need you to be more proactive in seeing how they are doing? Divorce is painful and isolating.

Same here. DH and I have a divorced 61-year old friend who seems to distance herself from me all the time. The difference is that she's been divorced for at least 15 years, which is when we moved to this neighbourhood. I saw her in the street 2 or 3 weeks ago. She said she had a couple days off work. I suggested a coffee date and she said she was busy. I sent her a text last weekend to ask if she's free for coffee next weekend. Radio silence.

My DH suggested I ring her and ask, or ring her doorbell.
Would this be too intense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

Oh my goodness. You sad little person. This does not read like something you've actually ever done yourself in real life. It reads like a revenge fantasy you've had for a long, long, long time. Poor thing.

[Anonymous]

I decided in my 50s that I would take my close friends and family exactly as they were and get together with them only if we both wanted to see each other without any other expectations. They know how I stand politically so if they have opposite views, I won’t discuss politics or anything else that ends up in a uncomfortable stalemate. I’m there to enjoy their company and a nice meal with them. One of my best friends from college is childfree, lacks intuition and has very limited maternal feelings or interest in children. We chat briefly about what the latest is on our husbands and my kids and move on to topics which are of mutual interest. I have other friends that I share much more about my inner and family life.

[Anonymous]

Is it ever appropriate to ask friends who start ghosting you for no obvious reason or who start avoiding you what is causing them to act like this?

I don't mean friends just growing apart, but people who start ghosting you or who stop replying to your texts and voicemail if you haven't done anything to upset them.
Would you ask them face to face?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it ever appropriate to ask friends who start ghosting you for no obvious reason or who start avoiding you what is causing them to act like this?

I don't mean friends just growing apart, but people who start ghosting you or who stop replying to your texts and voicemail if you haven't done anything to upset them.
Would you ask them face to face?

Generally they probably tried to explain it to you once before and you fail to understand the situation. The result is no longer having communication with the person in question. Sadly had a friendship end because the woman could not understand after explaining what she was doing was hurtful and wrong. Finally got to the point where I truly believe she was purposely not grasping the situation. Nothing more I do but cut her off entirely.
Life is short, do what’s best for you.