Reply to How do you let go of old friends that you just don't feel comfortable being around anymore?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

Today I found out that  DH and I have not been invited to a friend's birthday party while everyone else in our friendship circle has received an invitation. Strange, given that I always invite this woman to my own birthday parties.

We are not young anymore. We're in our early/mid 50s to early 60s. DH and I have always been polite and courteous to people here. We haven't done anything wrong.

If you decide to let go of people, please think of how hurtful it feels for the other to be ghosted without a reasonable explanation.[/quote]

Slight derail.  What exactly would you want to hear that you would accept— that wouldn’t feel or be cruel? 
I’m asking in part because I have a childhood acquaintance who did something that I viewed as unforgivable— and I told her this.  Despite my directness, she continues to reach out and I try to be polite — both because we share lifelong friends, and because she genuinely doesn’t seem to get it.  So what sorts of explanations are reasonable, effective, and not cruel?[/quote]

PP here. To answer your question, here are some examples of explanations that I think would be effective and not cruel:

'I don't think we have a lot in common (anymore) because xyz'.
'You and I lead very different lives and we see things differently. I think this isn't working'.
'You like doing things that I really don't enjoy so perhaps we should see each other less often'.
'I have a hectic schedule and I really can't find the time to meet up for coffee/lunch/activities' (if they are really busy - some people use this as an excuse to let someone go).

Explanations and actions that I think are unsatisfactory are:
Ghosting without an explanation. The worst!
Delayed reply without an explanation when texting. I mean not replying within, say a week. Or if periods between replies are getting longer and longer, and/or replies are getting shorter and shorter.
I can't meet up with you. No explanation given.
I'm really busy this week/next week/next month. No alternative date offered. I always ask for an alternative date or plan. 'So when would be good for you?' 
Or 'What would work for you?'
Being excluded from group activities or events where mutual friends are included. No explanation given.

The people who have done this are all middle aged, educated people and I think they should be mature enough and have the guts to be direct about these things.

[/quote]

Thank you for such a detailed response. Sadly, I’ve already done the things that you listed — and they have been less effective than I had hoped.  What’s truly befuddling to me is that this person deliberately seeks connections with me — and not with mutual friends who would be more welcoming. I guess I’ll rinse and repeat.  [/quote]

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