How do you let go of old friends that you just don't feel comfortable being around anymore?

[Anonymous]

How do you let go of old friends that you just don't feel comfortable being around anymore?

[Anonymous]

Just stop hanging out with them. No need to make this into anything.

[Anonymous]

Make new friends

You can have conversations with the friends you’re leaving behind or you can let things fade naturally. I let things fade and feel like it leaves a door open just in case we see each other in the future and feel differently. Mine are childhood friends so I might see them at school reunions.

It was hard but I’m happier now, and I hope you make the choice that’s best for you.

[Anonymous]

I would say fade away gradually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say fade away gradually

Yep. I went from delayed response to text, to now only sending a polite message on her kids’ birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop hanging out with them. No need to make this into anything.

What if the friend is not grasping the hint. Ignoring her but she still reaches out? Do you suggest brutal honesty?

[Anonymous]

I have to say, it's a bit maddening. The frustrating thing about being a recipient of a slow fade, where nothing is ever stated explicitly, is that there is a long intervening time where you wonder if you're being super paranoid or going crazy. If she's picked up on it and is at the point of asking about it, I think the kindest thing to do is to let her know what's going on. I mean, you totally have the right to do the slow fade, and I would do so in your shoes (she sounds pretty hard to deal with)... but I think at this point it might be kinder to tell her something rather than just keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

I just ghost them. If I'm not comfortable about them, each time I think of reaching out I remind myself of that uncomfortableness, and that makes it easy to NOT reach out. And I focus on the people who DO make me comfortable.

[Anonymous]

You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

Good lord lady. Marginalized?!?

[Anonymous]

I would never be able to do that. I'm the slow fade or "I need some space right now" type. Besides, if OP wants to let go of the friendship, the dialog about boundaries doesn't really apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

Yikes. You sound like my SIL. Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

Goodness. You are insufferable. I have to say that any "friend" you do this to would be lucky to be rid of you.

[Anonymous]

The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.