How do you let go of old friends that you just don't feel comfortable being around anymore?

[Anonymous]

I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

Today I found out that DH and I have not been invited to a friend's birthday party while everyone else in our friendship circle has received an invitation. Strange, given that I always invite this woman to my own birthday parties.

We are not young anymore. We're in our early/mid 50s to early 60s. DH and I have always been polite and courteous to people here. We haven't done anything wrong.

If you decide to let go of people, please think of how hurtful it feels for the other to be ghosted without a reasonable explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

Today I found out that DH and I have not been invited to a friend's birthday party while everyone else in our friendship circle has received an invitation. Strange, given that I always invite this woman to my own birthday parties.

We are not young anymore. We're in our early/mid 50s to early 60s. DH and I have always been polite and courteous to people here. We haven't done anything wrong.

If you decide to let go of people, please think of how hurtful it feels for the other to be ghosted without a reasonable explanation.

Yes-it is painful. I think most of us have had the experience of being on the receiving end of the "slow fade" at one point or another. PP as uncomfortable as it may be, when you get the chance maybe you could ask the friend in a low key way why she didn't invite you and your DH to the party? I received honest feedback once as to why a friend was doing the slow fade with me and while it hurt it ultimately was really helpful. It's been many years, but to this day I still respect the fact that she had the guts to be forthright with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

Today I found out that DH and I have not been invited to a friend's birthday party while everyone else in our friendship circle has received an invitation. Strange, given that I always invite this woman to my own birthday parties.

We are not young anymore. We're in our early/mid 50s to early 60s. DH and I have always been polite and courteous to people here. We haven't done anything wrong.

If you decide to let go of people, please think of how hurtful it feels for the other to be ghosted without a reasonable explanation.

Slight derail. What exactly would you want to hear that you would accept— that wouldn’t feel or be cruel?
I’m asking in part because I have a childhood acquaintance who did something that I viewed as unforgivable— and I told her this. Despite my directness, she continues to reach out and I try to be polite — both because we share lifelong friends, and because she genuinely doesn’t seem to get it. So what sorts of explanations are reasonable, effective, and not cruel?

[Anonymous]

You don't "let them go", you distance. You talk/see them less. A lot less. If it was a weekly friend, make it monthly. If it was monthly, make it 3 times a year. It if was 3 times a year, make it once a year or once every other year.

It's not hard.

[Anonymous]

I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

PP, you must have realized this wasn't an equal relationship! When she didn't do any inviting, you should have known she wasn't accepting you as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

Today I found out that DH and I have not been invited to a friend's birthday party while everyone else in our friendship circle has received an invitation. Strange, given that I always invite this woman to my own birthday parties.

We are not young anymore. We're in our early/mid 50s to early 60s. DH and I have always been polite and courteous to people here. We haven't done anything wrong.

If you decide to let go of people, please think of how hurtful it feels for the other to be ghosted without a reasonable explanation.

It seems to have been one-sided from the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't "let them go", you distance. You talk/see them less. A lot less. If it was a weekly friend, make it monthly. If it was monthly, make it 3 times a year. It if was 3 times a year, make it once a year or once every other year.

It's not hard.

And what happens when they keep contacting you or even tell you how much it hurts them that you don’t put in more effort? I do the slow fade myself but over the years, I have had two friends make clear that they wanted me to be in better touch and they were very hurt that I didn’t put in more effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

I am sorry to be the one to break this to you, but if you have had a friend like “Shelly”, the problem was you inability to set and hold basic boundaries. Like if a friend calls at a time you don’t want to talk, just don’t answer and call them back at a better time. If you’re on the phone and she wants to talk but you have stuff to do, you just say it’s not a good time and let’s talk again soon (you don’t just hang up, what). I’ll grant you some people talk too much about themselves and don’t listen enough — that’s such a common problem. I do think that merits a convo, but more like “hey I feel like our interactions are unbalanced and it bothers me, can we figure out together how to address?” Not just dictating how it’s going to be from now on. They may not even know or mean to be doing it.

If you are getting to the point in relationships where you feel something like the above is necessary, the problem is your poor boundaries. And I say that as someone who struggles with setting boundaries! But the first step is recognizing the role you are playing in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

And Shelly is just sitting still for all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been the recipient of a slow fade a couple of times and I can tell you it's very hurtful. I didn't do anything wrong. I was always polite and friendly to the person in question, and I was always the one initiating making contact and making plans and generally being proactive.

Today I found out that DH and I have not been invited to a friend's birthday party while everyone else in our friendship circle has received an invitation. Strange, given that I always invite this woman to my own birthday parties.

We are not young anymore. We're in our early/mid 50s to early 60s. DH and I have always been polite and courteous to people here. We haven't done anything wrong.

If you decide to let go of people, please think of how hurtful it feels for the other to be ghosted without a reasonable explanation.

Slight derail. What exactly would you want to hear that you would accept— that wouldn’t feel or be cruel?
I’m asking in part because I have a childhood acquaintance who did something that I viewed as unforgivable— and I told her this. Despite my directness, she continues to reach out and I try to be polite — both because we share lifelong friends, and because she genuinely doesn’t seem to get it. So what sorts of explanations are reasonable, effective, and not cruel?

PP here. To answer your question, here are some examples of explanations that I think would be effective and not cruel:

'I don't think we have a lot in common (anymore) because xyz'.
'You and I lead very different lives and we see things differently. I think this isn't working'.
'You like doing things that I really don't enjoy so perhaps we should see each other less often'.
'I have a hectic schedule and I really can't find the time to meet up for coffee/lunch/activities' (if they are really busy - some people use this as an excuse to let someone go).

Explanations and actions that I think are unsatisfactory are:
Ghosting without an explanation. The worst!
Delayed reply without an explanation when texting. I mean not replying within, say a week. Or if periods between replies are getting longer and longer, and/or replies are getting shorter and shorter.
I can't meet up with you. No explanation given.
I'm really busy this week/next week/next month. No alternative date offered. I always ask for an alternative date or plan. 'So when would be good for you?'
Or 'What would work for you?'
Being excluded from group activities or events where mutual friends are included. No explanation given.

The people who have done this are all middle aged, educated people and I think they should be mature enough and have the guts to be direct about these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

Lol you sound exhausting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

Good lord lady. Marginalized?!?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have an intervention with your friend. Invite her to a quiet place, with no distractions. Tell her "Shelly, I need to set up some boundaries with you because I love you and I want us to be friends for a good long time, but right now our friendship doesn't work for me. Your behavior affects me in the following ways:

1. When you monopolize conversations with long, protracted stories about issues that I'm not a party to, I feel marginalized and anxious.

2. When you only perfuntorally ask me how I am before launching into a lengthy diatribe, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or what's going on in my life.

3. When you call me late in the evening, after I've repeatedly asked you not to, I feel that you don't respect me or my schedule.

4. When you keep me on the phone for hours and hours, I become stressed out because I have things I need to do, and you're keeping me from them.

I want to re-frame our relationship so that it can work not just for you, but for me as well.

1. I will let you know if what you are talking about is not of interest to me. I'll try to be nice about it, but I will say, "Shelly, I don't know who that is. Let's talk about something else."

2. I will let you know if I want to tell you something and I expect that you will listen to me thoughtfully. If this isn't something you feel that you can do, that's fine, we don't need to be in such constant contact then.

3. If you call late in the evening, I will not answer the phone. Please remember that I won't accept any phone calls after 10:00 PM, nor will I allow any phone calls to extend past that time.

4. If the call is going for a long time, again, I'll try to be nice, but I'll say, "Shelly, I have to let you go now, " and then I'm going to hang up.

She may become angry, or upset, but that's a smoke screen. She'll probably be embarrassed because she doesn't realize that she's doing it. Another thing is she may stomp out, vowing never to see you again.

You can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to have my needs and desires met in this relationship too. If you change your mind, the door is open."

I wish you luck, it's hard, but you can do this.

That kind of therapist talk is generally infuriating. Just say goodbye already !

[Anonymous]

Op most people just go with excuses. So busy at my new job … kids new sport vey time consuming, I’ve taken up a sort that meets every day, I stopped drinking …

[Anonymous]

I have slow faded people and probably they have felt ghosted. I think sometimes people want open explanations but aren't always open to what is presented to them, don't accept it - argue. It's not a case of needing to defend yourself, it is simply that the other person no longer wants to be around it / you.

Friends come and go, this is something people need to accept. Years ago I had a work friend who told me she thought each person she was friends with served a function and they were easily replaceable, or in time would automatically be replaced by another person with the same function. It seemed harsh at the time I heard it but she was absolutely right and as a result she had no trouble moving on from friendships that didn't really hold water any more.