How do you let go of old friends that you just don't feel comfortable being around anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have slow faded people and probably they have felt ghosted. I think sometimes people want open explanations but aren't always open to what is presented to them, don't accept it - argue. It's not a case of needing to defend yourself, it is simply that the other person no longer wants to be around it / you.

Friends come and go, this is something people need to accept. Years ago I had a work friend who told me she thought each person she was friends with served a function and they were easily replaceable, or in time would automatically be replaced by another person with the same function. It seemed harsh at the time I heard it but she was absolutely right and as a result she had no trouble moving on from friendships that didn't really hold water any more.

I prefer to hold onto my gold … but always welcome new silver …

“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”


― Girl Scouts of the USA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have slow faded people and probably they have felt ghosted. I think sometimes people want open explanations but aren't always open to what is presented to them, don't accept it - argue. It's not a case of needing to defend yourself, it is simply that the other person no longer wants to be around it / you.

Friends come and go, this is something people need to accept. Years ago I had a work friend who told me she thought each person she was friends with served a function and they were easily replaceable, or in time would automatically be replaced by another person with the same function. It seemed harsh at the time I heard it but she was absolutely right and as a result she had no trouble moving on from friendships that didn't really hold water any more.

Okay, but if you feel it is necessary for YOU to slow fade people you have previously been friends with or spent a lot of time with, the least you can do is explain to them why you want to let them go. Slow fading or ghosting without an explanation is really unfair. And immature too.

I always want to know WHY.
If I get fired from my job I want to know why. If I get turned down after a job interview I'd like to get feedback- whether positive or negative. It's helpful to know WHY. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

[Anonymous]

We said, “sorry, we don’t feel comfortable hanging out with non vaccinated people at this time.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have slow faded people and probably they have felt ghosted. I think sometimes people want open explanations but aren't always open to what is presented to them, don't accept it - argue. It's not a case of needing to defend yourself, it is simply that the other person no longer wants to be around it / you.

Friends come and go, this is something people need to accept. Years ago I had a work friend who told me she thought each person she was friends with served a function and they were easily replaceable, or in time would automatically be replaced by another person with the same function. It seemed harsh at the time I heard it but she was absolutely right and as a result she had no trouble moving on from friendships that didn't really hold water any more.

I prefer to hold onto my gold … but always welcome new silver …

“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”


― Girl Scouts of the USA

+1

Weird to just drop routinely drop friends …. I like to keep at least 1-2 from different phases of life - school, Uni, travels abroad, schools of kids etc. it is important to me to have some friends who have known you through major changes - and for me to know others as they evolve …

[Anonymous]

You don't "let them go", you distance. You talk/see them less. A lot less. If it was a weekly friend, make it monthly. If it was monthly, make it 3 times a year. It if was 3 times a year, make it once a year or once every other year.

And what happens when they keep contacting you or even tell you how much it hurts them that you don’t put in more effort? I do the slow fade myself but over the years, I have had two friends make clear that they wanted me to be in better touch and they were very hurt that I didn’t put in more effort

If they completely reject you because they aren't getting enough of your attention, so be it. If they completely reject you because you are not having a heart-to-heart discussion with them over this, so be it. You are entitled to privacy, to the degree you desire. Their emotional expectations are not more important than this.

The idea is: the time you spend together is pleasant. Imho, any two people can get along for -some- period of time. Hopefully enjoy each other. The hard part is finding the length and duration. If both are working to advance the relationship, the time increases. If only one works to advance the relationship, it isn't right for the time to increase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have slow faded people and probably they have felt ghosted. I think sometimes people want open explanations but aren't always open to what is presented to them, don't accept it - argue. It's not a case of needing to defend yourself, it is simply that the other person no longer wants to be around it / you.

Friends come and go, this is something people need to accept. Years ago I had a work friend who told me she thought each person she was friends with served a function and they were easily replaceable, or in time would automatically be replaced by another person with the same function. It seemed harsh at the time I heard it but she was absolutely right and as a result she had no trouble moving on from friendships that didn't really hold water any more.

I prefer to hold onto my gold … but always welcome new silver …

“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”


― Girl Scouts of the USA

+1

Weird to just drop routinely drop friends …. I like to keep at least 1-2 from different phases of life - school, Uni, travels abroad, schools of kids etc. it is important to me to have some friends who have known you through major changes - and for me to know others as they evolve …

Weird and immature. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was on the receiving end of a not-so-slow fade. Since that's not my MO, it took me a minute to catch on. Are my feelings hurt? You bet. Am I going to make a big deal and call it out? Nope. Just putting a pin in how not to treat people. I have plenty of friends, and some of them I don't see much these days because of moves, jobs, kids, life. But we keep in touch. And I've never ghosted anyone nor has anyone ever done it to me before. Or maybe they have and I'm just incredibly dim.

At any rate, why burn bridges? Boundaries yes, but dropping friendships? When you are an adult? sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have slow faded people and probably they have felt ghosted. I think sometimes people want open explanations but aren't always open to what is presented to them, don't accept it - argue. It's not a case of needing to defend yourself, it is simply that the other person no longer wants to be around it / you.

Friends come and go, this is something people need to accept. Years ago I had a work friend who told me she thought each person she was friends with served a function and they were easily replaceable, or in time would automatically be replaced by another person with the same function. It seemed harsh at the time I heard it but she was absolutely right and as a result she had no trouble moving on from friendships that didn't really hold water any more.

I prefer to hold onto my gold … but always welcome new silver …

“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”


― Girl Scouts of the USA

+1

Weird to just drop routinely drop friends …. I like to keep at least 1-2 from different phases of life - school, Uni, travels abroad, schools of kids etc. it is important to me to have some friends who have known you through major changes - and for me to know others as they evolve …

Weird and immature. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was on the receiving end of a not-so-slow fade. Since that's not my MO, it took me a minute to catch on. Are my feelings hurt? You bet. Am I going to make a big deal and call it out? Nope. Just putting a pin in how not to treat people. I have plenty of friends, and some of them I don't see much these days because of moves, jobs, kids, life. But we keep in touch. And I've never ghosted anyone nor has anyone ever done it to me before. Or maybe they have and I'm just incredibly dim.

At any rate, why burn bridges? Boundaries yes, but dropping friendships? When you are an adult? sheesh.

Some of think having a big discussion on why don’t want to stay so tight anymore will burn bridges not distancing over time. I thought Carolyn Hax recommend the same thing? No confrontation, just keep the friendship looser which will make it easier to reconnect later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You don't "let them go", you distance. You talk/see them less. A lot less. If it was a weekly friend, make it monthly. If it was monthly, make it 3 times a year. It if was 3 times a year, make it once a year or once every other year.

And what happens when they keep contacting you or even tell you how much it hurts them that you don’t put in more effort? I do the slow fade myself but over the years, I have had two friends make clear that they wanted me to be in better touch and they were very hurt that I didn’t put in more effort

If they completely reject you because they aren't getting enough of your attention, so be it. If they completely reject you because you are not having a heart-to-heart discussion with them over this, so be it. You are entitled to privacy, to the degree you desire. Their emotional expectations are not more important than this.

The idea is: the time you spend together is pleasant. Imho, any two people can get along for -some- period of time. Hopefully enjoy each other. The hard part is finding the length and duration. If both are working to advance the relationship, the time increases. If only one works to advance the relationship, it isn't right for the time to increase.

+1 for this right here. I had a very close friend who I slowly realized was selfish, manipulative and most likely didn’t care much at all about me beyond what i could do for her. I wanted to create space between us so I did the slow fade and always tried to make sure we hung out in groups rather than 1:1. Well she didn’t like that much and she eventually just rejected any contact at all. I knew she was the sort who wouldn’t take feedback well (I’ve seen her get very defensive and angry when other friends confronted her) so that was my best strategy. We have a couple mutual friends so I had hoped to stay on good terms. We are still social media “friends “ but no longer text or call whatsoever and I’m so happy this way. No regrets. You don’t always have to confront or make a big deal. If the other person can accept the new terms of the friendship and level it down to acquaintance status, great. If not and they keep pushing or become angry like my ex friend did, then to me it just highlights the existing dysfunction and validates why I wanted to step back in the first place

[Anonymous]

What is the problem with the friend? Are they cheating on their husband or you don’t like how she parent’s her kids?

[Anonymous]

I have read this thread and I am horrified by the number of posters who think it it acceptable to just ghost (= dump) or 'slow fade' friends WITHOUT AN EXPLANATION. How old are you?

I have been on the receiving end of a 'slow fade' a couple of times. People don't text back, they ignore my invitations to meet for coffee or lunch, or they don't include me in things. It's very, very hurtful and it's embarrassing.

If you're going to let go of people then you should all have the guts to tell them why you're doing it. And tell them to their face, not in a stupid text!

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the reason. If it’s clear cut and not overly mean, tell them why. So you can say
Your DH makes racist jokes and I’m not ok with it
You aren’t vaccinated
You made a pass at my dh
Young Johnny broke Larlas nose at the party

Or other factual items, yes, share.

If it’s “you are too pretty, too dumb, you smell bad, you’re u aren’t rich enough, I don’t like your Bratty kid” no you can’t say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.

+2 it’s allowed me to let go of friends who I generally like but don’t necessarily want or need to be close to.

[Anonymous]

^^ Young Johnny broke Larla’s nose at the party… Best comment of the day. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.

+2 it’s allowed me to let go of friends who I generally like but don’t necessarily want or need to be close to.

Okay, understood. But did you tell them that this is what you were doing? Do they know your reasons for doing this? I think you owe them an explanation. People aren't mind readers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic made this so much easier! We have not socialized much at all for so long I have almost forgotten how to.

+1 I used it as an opportunity to grow the distance with a number of folks.

+2 it’s allowed me to let go of friends who I generally like but don’t necessarily want or need to be close to.

Okay, understood. But did you tell them that this is what you were doing? Do they know your reasons for doing this? I think you owe them an explanation. People aren't mind readers.

DP, life is short and time is limited. I have other friends I’d rather spend my time with.

Do you really think people actually want to hear this?