Need advice from parents of adult child with high functioning ASD

[Anonymous]

My 40 yo HFA uncle, living at their home, did the same when his parents died. He inherited a lot, moved to the west coast, stayed single and works in IT. He managed to piss off all his siblings over the years but is surviving, working, living OK all by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

Great suggestions, however, he won't listen to me at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he's autistic. He claims he outgrew it. He'd never take advice from an autism group! He's extremely high functioning intellectually. But socially, he's about at a 17 year old boy level, or lower. He's never had a best friend or a long-term girlfriend.

I'll see if I can find an interviewing coach, but the bigger challenge will be getting him to even see the coach and then listen to their advice!

I've tried to get him to apply to the places where he interned. They seemed to like him a lot. He says he will, but I've seen no evidence of it. Other places where his qualifications and experience seem a fit, will interview him, but in the end, don't want him. I'm guessing it's his lack of interviewing skills, but he told me "it could be anything" and told me I was "just speculating" that his interviewing wasn't going well.

He just submits his resume online. He says he doesn't need a cover letter because his resume lists a job objective. Is this correct? I'm not in a STEM field, but in my field, you always send a cover letter.

Let me answer this as 1. An adult with asd who was very much stuck after college 2. The wife of an adult with asd and 3. as the mother of asd children, one of whom is nearly an adult:

Kick him out. Your son (like most asd people) is never going to do the things you want him to do because he is very comfortable living on his head instead of in the real world.

You have no real clue if he's actually submitting resumes. The labor pool is very dry right now and I find it improbable that he hasn't been offered a job. I worked in a stem field most of my adult life and soft skills mattered very little. Plenty of extremely awkward people had some how made it through the interview process.

Your son will not do what you tell or suggest to him and likely never will. The more you carry his weight the longer he will avoid becoming an independent adult.

You are doing him a grand disservice to allow h to continue living in your home. As a mother I realize that is counterintuitive to your intentions but my father had to literally put his house on the market for sale before I got it together and got a job. I then moved across the country had a very successful career and successful children. Had my father not sold the house I would still he living there very contently.

And I will add that if he has interviewed for positions and been turned down then his aim is too high. He may be applying for jobs that he is qualified for only in his own mind. I started at the very bottom and worked my way up. Having a degree from a prestigious uni is nice but you need work experience. I turned down entry level jobs that would have taken my very far before my father kicked me out. In my mind, those jobs were beneath my abilities. In reality, they were perfectly in line with my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

Great suggestions, however, he won't listen to me at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he's autistic. He claims he outgrew it. He'd never take advice from an autism group! He's extremely high functioning intellectually. But socially, he's about at a 17 year old boy level, or lower. He's never had a best friend or a long-term girlfriend.

I'll see if I can find an interviewing coach, but the bigger challenge will be getting him to even see the coach and then listen to their advice!

I've tried to get him to apply to the places where he interned. They seemed to like him a lot. He says he will, but I've seen no evidence of it. Other places where his qualifications and experience seem a fit, will interview him, but in the end, don't want him. I'm guessing it's his lack of interviewing skills, but he told me "it could be anything" and told me I was "just speculating" that his interviewing wasn't going well.

He just submits his resume online. He says he doesn't need a cover letter because his resume lists a job objective. Is this correct? I'm not in a STEM field, but in my field, you always send a cover letter.

Let me answer this as 1. An adult with asd who was very much stuck after college 2. The wife of an adult with asd and 3. as the mother of asd children, one of whom is nearly an adult:

Kick him out. Your son (like most asd people) is never going to do the things you want him to do because he is very comfortable living on his head instead of in the real world.

You have no real clue if he's actually submitting resumes. The labor pool is very dry right now and I find it improbable that he hasn't been offered a job. I worked in a stem field most of my adult life and soft skills mattered very little. Plenty of extremely awkward people had some how made it through the interview process.

Your son will not do what you tell or suggest to him and likely never will. The more you carry his weight the longer he will avoid becoming an independent adult.

You are doing him a grand disservice to allow h to continue living in your home. As a mother I realize that is counterintuitive to your intentions but my father had to literally put his house on the market for sale before I got it together and got a job. I then moved across the country had a very successful career and successful children. Had my father not sold the house I would still he living there very contently.

I am not op, but I am curious, were you kicked out once you reached adulthood? What about your husband? Is that what you’re planning on doing with your ASD children?

I’m wondering, not sarcastically, do you think your ASD decision is the right one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

Great suggestions, however, he won't listen to me at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he's autistic. He claims he outgrew it. He'd never take advice from an autism group! He's extremely high functioning intellectually. But socially, he's about at a 17 year old boy level, or lower. He's never had a best friend or a long-term girlfriend.

I'll see if I can find an interviewing coach, but the bigger challenge will be getting him to even see the coach and then listen to their advice!

I've tried to get him to apply to the places where he interned. They seemed to like him a lot. He says he will, but I've seen no evidence of it. Other places where his qualifications and experience seem a fit, will interview him, but in the end, don't want him. I'm guessing it's his lack of interviewing skills, but he told me "it could be anything" and told me I was "just speculating" that his interviewing wasn't going well.

He just submits his resume online. He says he doesn't need a cover letter because his resume lists a job objective. Is this correct? I'm not in a STEM field, but in my field, you always send a cover letter.

Let me answer this as 1. An adult with asd who was very much stuck after college 2. The wife of an adult with asd and 3. as the mother of asd children, one of whom is nearly an adult:

Kick him out. Your son (like most asd people) is never going to do the things you want him to do because he is very comfortable living on his head instead of in the real world.

You have no real clue if he's actually submitting resumes. The labor pool is very dry right now and I find it improbable that he hasn't been offered a job. I worked in a stem field most of my adult life and soft skills mattered very little. Plenty of extremely awkward people had some how made it through the interview process.

Your son will not do what you tell or suggest to him and likely never will. The more you carry his weight the longer he will avoid becoming an independent adult.

You are doing him a grand disservice to allow h to continue living in your home. As a mother I realize that is counterintuitive to your intentions but my father had to literally put his house on the market for sale before I got it together and got a job. I then moved across the country had a very successful career and successful children. Had my father not sold the house I would still he living there very contently.

I am not op, but I am curious, were you kicked out once you reached adulthood? What about your husband? Is that what you’re planning on doing with your ASD children?

I’m wondering, not sarcastically, do you think your ASD decision is the right one?

I graduated college when I was 21 and was kicked out at 24 so no it wasn't when I reached adulthood . My husband followed his frie ds into tech jobs so always worked and lived independently. Yes I am planning on kicking my.own kids out if they fail to launch on their own.

I'm not sure what your question "do you think your asd decision is the right one" means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that OPs son is on his way to beings quite a ride individual, especially to people trying to help him.
Refusing to acknowledge his aSD or even read up in aspergers is a major impediment to his future quality of life at work or with any personal relationships. Refusing help, suggestions and advice is the next nail in the coffin.

If he won’t get help relative soon he will be a failure to launch case, and OP will have to live him but detach from any expectations. He will find his people once not enabled.

What are you suggesting, PP?

"Not enabled"? What does that mean?

Kick him out on the street? Stop doing what? I'm doing nothing for him, but offering support and gentle urging, but he won't listen to anything I say. I feed and house him, but that's it. No other support, aside from emotional support, but he doesn't want emotional support from DH or me.

He has HFASD! He doesn't know he's disabled because he's so exceptionally smart in his area of expertise. I've tried, gently, to explain this to him. I've offered to pay for a counselor to speak with him. I'll now, thanks to suggestions here, offer to pay for an interview coach in case he'll listen to a coach.

How does he “ it know he has HFA?”

If he has the symptoms and /or diagnosis and have been told them, he knows. Now if he is refusing to accept that his symptoms are neuroatypical or his whole diagnosis or neuropsych that is different than “not knowing.”

You are doing alright Op. try third parties to get through to him. I’m sorry he dropped out of his Phd program on a lark or whatever (he’s not telling you). I wouldn’t run around doing anything else for him, especially if you have other adult children, work and friends. Don’t lose YOUR sense of self with this.

Thanks for saying this. Yes, I'm really upset over his fall from what I thought was a promising perch. I'd really thought his problems were over when he got into the prestigious PhD program. I'd thought he'd meet people like him, and would find his tribe. That didn't happen at all, which may explain why he left. I think he felt lonely, but I'm not sure because he's never told me. The pandemic was very isolating, and he's already isolated because of his HFA. He is totally in denial about his HFA, btw. He said to me that he'd outgrown it, and that he doesn't think he ever had it. I have the diagnosis to prove it, but he isn't interested in my "proof."

I love him and don't want to abandon him, but I'm at a loss as to how to help him when he won't accept help and won't admit he has any deficits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may be socially immature but he also sounds arrogant and rude to you, frankly. How about he having to have an interview skills etc coach and join a gym or whatever in s gangs for you NOT charging rent. He needs to know that his high aIQ doesn’t make up for his almost willful lack of EQ.

You obviously have no experience with ASD. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you may disregard but I am adult with HFA and ADHD and academia is fantastic for it.

As someone who is now a professor, I want to suggest that the chances of reentrance even after withdrawing are likely quite high, if he withdrew during the pandemic. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

Also he should really consider a PhD now. It has been hard for foreign students to come which are the lifeblood of many of these programs. He may be really surprised what he gets.

But if he doesn’t really want a PhD that is a different story. When I stayed home as an adult my parents (again not the parent but the child) told me I had to get a job, even if it was a menial one. I found a job in tech support and that was enough boredom to get me interested in school again. I don’t know if it will work but hope these suggestions offer some value.

Also, and I say this gently, please remember that the goal isn’t for him to acknowledge his disability - it is to get a job, be happy and have a successful life. Maybe focus on those first. Think of it like a chronic illness, which it is. Focusing all day on your rheumatoid arthritis wouldn’t be fulfilling. What would he wou he to go back to school, and to be motivated to get the right sleep and exercise. And it would be wise under those circumstances to chose radiology over surgery. I found a job I loved by following things I liked and could do. That positivity feedback also now motivates me to work on my communication skillls and health. I’m still terrible at small talk but I am regularly told I am an excellent technical writer. And I run each day to keep a clear head for thinking about science. If someone told me I should do those things to keep my ASD at bay I would be humiliated and would probably stop just to spite them. It isn’t rational but there you have it.

Thanks for the suggestion. I've asked DS if he regrets leaving his program, but he says "I made my decision" whatever that means.

It's a good idea to insist he get a low-level job. Maybe a boring job will make him realize how lucky he was to be in such a great PhD program.

[Anonymous]

How did your son successfully get his undergrad and graduate degrees? If you can identify what you did to help him create that outcome, that might provide clues as to how to guide him now.

From his "stop lecturing me" response, I wonder if he feels like you're treating him as a child rather than an adult. It might be adding to his depression (again, I'm speculating). There is a sense of dignity that comes with figuring things out without help from your parents, even if you fail and fail again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

Great suggestions, however, he won't listen to me at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he's autistic. He claims he outgrew it. He'd never take advice from an autism group! He's extremely high functioning intellectually. But socially, he's about at a 17 year old boy level, or lower. He's never had a best friend or a long-term girlfriend.

I'll see if I can find an interviewing coach, but the bigger challenge will be getting him to even see the coach and then listen to their advice!

I've tried to get him to apply to the places where he interned. They seemed to like him a lot. He says he will, but I've seen no evidence of it. Other places where his qualifications and experience seem a fit, will interview him, but in the end, don't want him. I'm guessing it's his lack of interviewing skills, but he told me "it could be anything" and told me I was "just speculating" that his interviewing wasn't going well.

He just submits his resume online. He says he doesn't need a cover letter because his resume lists a job objective. Is this correct? I'm not in a STEM field, but in my field, you always send a cover letter.

Let me answer this as 1. An adult with asd who was very much stuck after college 2. The wife of an adult with asd and 3. as the mother of asd children, one of whom is nearly an adult:

Kick him out. Your son (like most asd people) is never going to do the things you want him to do because he is very comfortable living on his head instead of in the real world.

You have no real clue if he's actually submitting resumes. The labor pool is very dry right now and I find it improbable that he hasn't been offered a job. I worked in a stem field most of my adult life and soft skills mattered very little. Plenty of extremely awkward people had some how made it through the interview process.

Your son will not do what you tell or suggest to him and likely never will. The more you carry his weight the longer he will avoid becoming an independent adult.

You are doing him a grand disservice to allow h to continue living in your home. As a mother I realize that is counterintuitive to your intentions but my father had to literally put his house on the market for sale before I got it together and got a job. I then moved across the country had a very successful career and successful children. Had my father not sold the house I would still he living there very contently.

And I will add that if he has interviewed for positions and been turned down then his aim is too high. He may be applying for jobs that he is qualified for only in his own mind. I started at the very bottom and worked my way up. Having a degree from a prestigious uni is nice but you need work experience. I turned down entry level jobs that would have taken my very far before my father kicked me out. In my mind, those jobs were beneath my abilities. In reality, they were perfectly in line with my experience.

Thanks, this is a good point. Yes, he's probably aiming too high. He thinks his degree is a calling card, and it is in a way. He does get interviews, and there are plenty of jobs out there, but he doesn't make it past the second round of interviews, at least not so far. And yes, he's very picky. He wants to do only what he wants to do. Inflexibility is another ASD trait. I think only a coach can explain this to him. As his parent, I can't get through to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that OPs son is on his way to beings quite a ride individual, especially to people trying to help him.
Refusing to acknowledge his aSD or even read up in aspergers is a major impediment to his future quality of life at work or with any personal relationships. Refusing help, suggestions and advice is the next nail in the coffin.

If he won’t get help relative soon he will be a failure to launch case, and OP will have to live him but detach from any expectations. He will find his people once not enabled.

What are you suggesting, PP?

"Not enabled"? What does that mean?

Kick him out on the street? Stop doing what? I'm doing nothing for him, but offering support and gentle urging, but he won't listen to anything I say. I feed and house him, but that's it. No other support, aside from emotional support, but he doesn't want emotional support from DH or me.

He has HFASD! He doesn't know he's disabled because he's so exceptionally smart in his area of expertise. I've tried, gently, to explain this to him. I've offered to pay for a counselor to speak with him. I'll now, thanks to suggestions here, offer to pay for an interview coach in case he'll listen to a coach.

How does he “ it know he has HFA?”

If he has the symptoms and /or diagnosis and have been told them, he knows. Now if he is refusing to accept that his symptoms are neuroatypical or his whole diagnosis or neuropsych that is different than “not knowing.”

You are doing alright Op. try third parties to get through to him. I’m sorry he dropped out of his Phd program on a lark or whatever (he’s not telling you). I wouldn’t run around doing anything else for him, especially if you have other adult children, work and friends. Don’t lose YOUR sense of self with this.

Thanks for saying this. Yes, I'm really upset over his fall from what I thought was a promising perch. I'd really thought his problems were over when he got into the prestigious PhD program. I'd thought he'd meet people like him, and would find his tribe. That didn't happen at all, which may explain why he left. I think he felt lonely, but I'm not sure because he's never told me. The pandemic was very isolating, and he's already isolated because of his HFA. He is totally in denial about his HFA, btw. He said to me that he'd outgrown it, and that he doesn't think he ever had it. I have the diagnosis to prove it, but he isn't interested in my "proof."

I love him and don't want to abandon him, but I'm at a loss as to how to help him when he won't accept help and won't admit he has any deficits.

Op, I’m playing devils advocate here, but do you think you’re undermining him by ‘showing him your proof’? You’re essentially putting him in a box and telling him that his individuality doesn’t matter. Conforming is the only way to show that he isn’t ASD.

Give him a bit of space and let him find his way. I know you are worried, and you don’t want him to go through a downward spiral, but you need to accept him for who he is and make him understand that you accept him. Being very high functioning ASD is a borderline. Very smart people are often confused with ASD. Read on misdiagnosis of the gifted.

Pray a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did your son successfully get his undergrad and graduate degrees? If you can identify what you did to help him create that outcome, that might provide clues as to how to guide him now.

From his "stop lecturing me" response, I wonder if he feels like you're treating him as a child rather than an adult. It might be adding to his depression (again, I'm speculating). There is a sense of dignity that comes with figuring things out without help from your parents, even if you fail and fail again.

Where do you draw the line between offering (clearly) needed direction, and letting your adult ASD child fail once again? I've stopped offering him advice, but he can't manage his life on his own.

I can't imagine kicking him out as a PP suggested. Where would he go? He has no job. He can't afford an apartment. Would he couch surf? Does an ASD person have to sink that low before realizing that they need to get their act together? He has only one friend who would let him sleep on his couch, BTW, so that arrangement wouldn't last long.

[Anonymous]

Ok well no one outgrows ASD.

many HFa are exposed once they are overwhelmed in adulthood. Kudos to you for sussing it out beforehand.

My hfa spouse was told to start out by reading the book: Look me in the Eyes

Or he should do the audio version while on dog walks. It’s more the savant quirky angle and can break through those who “want a second diagnosis opinion.”

[Anonymous]

Wow, though I feel for you, I am benefiting greatly from this thread and thank you and others for the suggestions. I have a "twin" son, though younger, so this is like a view into his likely future and fills me with even more anxiety. We are experiencing a similar situation though re internships and summer jobs while my son is in college (doing extremely well academically in a prestigious engineering program). I thought he would find his tribe within the engineering school. I though professors or project team members would help steer him to opportunities. I don't know if he has met a soul he could call a friend (has a few from home), whether he has joined any maker clubs, eng societies, support groups, etc. All was virtual last year. He just seems to study (he enjoys) and eat - stopped exercising. I would bet he is lonely but he would never tell me anything personal like that. He ignores my suggestions to try to find research positions, work study, a co-op for a semester, internship, or just volunteering to gain work experience...the career center is very close by. I mention the events on campus that highlight clubs, career fairs and the like to no avail.

How did your son end up with his internship? Did he pursue it on his own? My son has had summer jobs in the past and seems to get on fine once there. I had to facilitate him securing those jobs, however. Last summer I left it up to him and he didn't try as far as I can tell. He took online classes and helped out at home. A coach sounds like a great idea, but I have no idea where to secure one that he will listen to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

Great suggestions, however, he won't listen to me at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he's autistic. He claims he outgrew it. He'd never take advice from an autism group! He's extremely high functioning intellectually. But socially, he's about at a 17 year old boy level, or lower. He's never had a best friend or a long-term girlfriend.

I'll see if I can find an interviewing coach, but the bigger challenge will be getting him to even see the coach and then listen to their advice!

I've tried to get him to apply to the places where he interned. They seemed to like him a lot. He says he will, but I've seen no evidence of it. Other places where his qualifications and experience seem a fit, will interview him, but in the end, don't want him. I'm guessing it's his lack of interviewing skills, but he told me "it could be anything" and told me I was "just speculating" that his interviewing wasn't going well.

He just submits his resume online. He says he doesn't need a cover letter because his resume lists a job objective. Is this correct? I'm not in a STEM field, but in my field, you always send a cover letter.

Let me answer this as 1. An adult with asd who was very much stuck after college 2. The wife of an adult with asd and 3. as the mother of asd children, one of whom is nearly an adult:

Kick him out. Your son (like most asd people) is never going to do the things you want him to do because he is very comfortable living on his head instead of in the real world.

You have no real clue if he's actually submitting resumes. The labor pool is very dry right now and I find it improbable that he hasn't been offered a job. I worked in a stem field most of my adult life and soft skills mattered very little. Plenty of extremely awkward people had some how made it through the interview process.

Your son will not do what you tell or suggest to him and likely never will. The more you carry his weight the longer he will avoid becoming an independent adult.

You are doing him a grand disservice to allow h to continue living in your home. As a mother I realize that is counterintuitive to your intentions but my father had to literally put his house on the market for sale before I got it together and got a job. I then moved across the country had a very successful career and successful children. Had my father not sold the house I would still he living there very contently.

And I will add that if he has interviewed for positions and been turned down then his aim is too high. He may be applying for jobs that he is qualified for only in his own mind. I started at the very bottom and worked my way up. Having a degree from a prestigious uni is nice but you need work experience. I turned down entry level jobs that would have taken my very far before my father kicked me out. In my mind, those jobs were beneath my abilities. In reality, they were perfectly in line with my experience.

Thanks, this is a good point. Yes, he's probably aiming too high. He thinks his degree is a calling card, and it is in a way. He does get interviews, and there are plenty of jobs out there, but he doesn't make it past the second round of interviews, at least not so far. And yes, he's very picky. He wants to do only what he wants to do. Inflexibility is another ASD trait. I think only a coach can explain this to him. As his parent, I can't get through to him.

No. No one can explain it to him. He is never going to go to a coach and if by some miracle he did go, he would sit through the session thinking about what an idiot the coach is and not ever following his advice.
He made it though college and his masters. I assume he wasn't living in your basement during that time?
He can luve on his own. Millions of high functioning people live on their own. You are killing him with kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your son successfully get his undergrad and graduate degrees? If you can identify what you did to help him create that outcome, that might provide clues as to how to guide him now.

From his "stop lecturing me" response, I wonder if he feels like you're treating him as a child rather than an adult. It might be adding to his depression (again, I'm speculating). There is a sense of dignity that comes with figuring things out without help from your parents, even if you fail and fail again.

Where do you draw the line between offering (clearly) needed direction, and letting your adult ASD child fail once again? I've stopped offering him advice, but he can't manage his life on his own.

I can't imagine kicking him out as a PP suggested. Where would he go? He has no job. He can't afford an apartment. Would he couch surf? Does an ASD person have to sink that low before realizing that they need to get their act together? He has only one friend who would let him sleep on his couch, BTW, so that arrangement wouldn't last long.

The great thing about drawing a line in the sand is that you are not responsible for what he does or where he goes after that line is crossed. Where he would go is not for you to evaluate.
You don't seem like you can understand this yet: the more you try to do for him the more resistant he will be and the longer you keep allowing him to live like a child, the less likely it is that he will ever leave.

I highly suggest you get counseling for yourself. You have alot of fear and pain over his life but the things you are doing will not help him. You have to do the hard thing.