Need advice from parents of adult child with high functioning ASD

[Anonymous]

OP the labor market is very worker friendly these days because they simply can't find enough people to fill.the jobs. If your son can't find a job it's because he doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you may disregard but I am adult with HFA and ADHD and academia is fantastic for it.

As someone who is now a professor, I want to suggest that the chances of reentrance even after withdrawing are likely quite high, if he withdrew during the pandemic. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

Also he should really consider a PhD now. It has been hard for foreign students to come which are the lifeblood of many of these programs. He may be really surprised what he gets.

But if he doesn’t really want a PhD that is a different story. When I stayed home as an adult my parents (again not the parent but the child) told me I had to get a job, even if it was a menial one. I found a job in tech support and that was enough boredom to get me interested in school again. I don’t know if it will work but hope these suggestions offer some value.

Also, and I say this gently
, please remember that the goal isn’t for him to acknowledge his disability - it is to get a job, be happy and have a successful life. Maybe focus on those first. Think of it like a chronic illness, which it is. Focusing all day on your rheumatoid arthritis wouldn’t be fulfilling. What would he wou he to go back to school, and to be motivated to get the right sleep and exercise. And it would be wise under those circumstances to chose radiology over surgery. I found a job I loved by following things I liked and could do. That positivity feedback also now motivates me to work on my communication skillls and health. I’m still terrible at small talk but I am regularly told I am an excellent technical writer. And I run each day to keep a clear head for thinking about science. If someone told me I should do those things to keep my ASD at bay I would be humiliated and would probably stop just to spite them. It isn’t rational but there you have it.

Thanks for the suggestion. I've asked DS if he regrets leaving his program, but he says "I made my decision" whatever that means.

It's a good idea to insist he get a low-level job. Maybe a boring job will make him realize how lucky he was to be in such a great PhD program.

This is the PP above. To me your DS’ comment sounds like rigid ASD like thinking. Probably what he thinks is final but it shouldn’t need to be.

But before you tell him that, Op you sound exasperated and I would probably be too. I have an ASD child too and it is exasperating. But I’m sure you’ve been told that like any person, a person with ASD wants their feelings validated. Try to listen to him to make him feel heard. Tell him you love him. Then you can try to work on the problem. My child can rage with anger or be trapped in rigid thinking and scolding or arguing or even telling does zero and dogs you in deeper. But validation, listening love and empathy work on him the way they do with non ASD children. Sometimes even better because he is so hard on himself and others are too snd he is craving even a little positive interaction and love. It can be hard to get past the frustration you feel with negative thought and behavior patterns but it is so critical. Good luck to you and your son. Remember also that life is long and he will move past this stage. Leaving home and setting up for yourself is a huge change and is just ridiculously tough for ASD people who fear change. So be patient and understanding.his problems will never be “over” - ASD is a weakness and a strength for the rest of his life. But he will get to a better place where he can be happy and successful. The thirties and beyond can be really great places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please, no snark.

I'm really heartbroken over what's happened to my high functioning ASD child during the pandemic.

Before the pandemic, my child was in a top STEM PhD program, headed for far greater success than I'd ever imagined for him.

But when the pandemic hit, and his university shut down, he dropped out with an MA that they basically handed him on the way out.

Now, DC is living at home, supposedly looking for a job.

DC sends out resumes with no cover letter. Has interviews because of prestigious MA, but doesn't get called back (likely because of poor social skills.

DH and I offer gentle suggestions to DC, but he refuses all help. He won't listen to anything we suggest, no matter how small. Won't exercise, won't see a therapist to help with (I suspect) depression and ASD behavior, won't even take vitamins.

He does walk the dog, washes the dishes, and is mostly a quiet house guest.

If you are not a parent of an adult ASD kid, please do not comment. You cannot possibly understand this situation and how heartbreaking it is.

If you've been through this type of thing with your HFASD adult child, what did you do? Stand back and do nothing while they dig themselves deeper into a pit they don't have the ability to either understand or climb out of? Keep trying to help, gently? What am I not doing?

Don't say kick him out, because I won't. DH wants to give him a few more months and then tell him he has to start paying rent. I don't know if that will help.

He sits in his room and watches videos, texts his friends (he actually has a few friends, which is a huge accomplishment for an ASD person), and sends out the occasional resume.

Looking for empathy and suggestions from parents of HFASD adult children who have BTDT. TIA.

Op, be flexible in your thinking and come to terms that he’s a grown person.

Stop trying to fit him into a box and stop suggesting to him that the only way is the disabled way. He does not need ASD help. He’s probably gotten that all his life, and he’s come to understand that it’s not for him.

If you dig deep he’ll probably tell you that your attitude gives him insecurities and self doubt. He seems to want to prove you wrong. Give him unconditional love and space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, though I feel for you, I am benefiting greatly from this thread and thank you and others for the suggestions. I have a "twin" son, though younger, so this is like a view into his likely future and fills me with even more anxiety. We are experiencing a similar situation though re internships and summer jobs while my son is in college (doing extremely well academically in a prestigious engineering program). I thought he would find his tribe within the engineering school. I though professors or project team members would help steer him to opportunities. I don't know if he has met a soul he could call a friend (has a few from home), whether he has joined any maker clubs, eng societies, support groups, etc. All was virtual last year. He just seems to study (he enjoys) and eat - stopped exercising. I would bet he is lonely but he would never tell me anything personal like that. He ignores my suggestions to try to find research positions, work study, a co-op for a semester, internship, or just volunteering to gain work experience...the career center is very close by. I mention the events on campus that highlight clubs, career fairs and the like to no avail.

How did your son end up with his internship? Did he pursue it on his own? My son has had summer jobs in the past and seems to get on fine once there. I had to facilitate him securing those jobs, however. Last summer I left it up to him and he didn't try as far as I can tell. He took online classes and helped out at home. A coach sounds like a great idea, but I have no idea where to secure one that he will listen to.

My son went to a small, not prestigious college where his professors got to know him well and encouraged him to apply for various internships and research projects. He did extremely well in college where he had lots of support and accommodations. He has test anxiety so he was able to take tests in a quiet room. In grad school he had no accommodations. We tried to get them, but his diagnosis was too old, and they wouldn't accept it. It would have taken too long to get another diagnosis, and he was already at grad school, so we never pursued it. I'd assumed he'd manage grad school OK, but I think the support he had in college was key to his success.

Please post if you figure out where to find a coach. I think that would help DS a lot. He needs non-parental support and encouragement, I believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you may disregard but I am adult with HFA and ADHD and academia is fantastic for it.

As someone who is now a professor, I want to suggest that the chances of reentrance even after withdrawing are likely quite high, if he withdrew during the pandemic. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

Also he should really consider a PhD now. It has been hard for foreign students to come which are the lifeblood of many of these programs. He may be really surprised what he gets.

But if he doesn’t really want a PhD that is a different story. When I stayed home as an adult my parents (again not the parent but the child) told me I had to get a job, even if it was a menial one. I found a job in tech support and that was enough boredom to get me interested in school again. I don’t know if it will work but hope these suggestions offer some value.

Also, and I say this gently
, please remember that the goal isn’t for him to acknowledge his disability - it is to get a job, be happy and have a successful life. Maybe focus on those first. Think of it like a chronic illness, which it is. Focusing all day on your rheumatoid arthritis wouldn’t be fulfilling. What would he wou he to go back to school, and to be motivated to get the right sleep and exercise. And it would be wise under those circumstances to chose radiology over surgery. I found a job I loved by following things I liked and could do. That positivity feedback also now motivates me to work on my communication skillls and health. I’m still terrible at small talk but I am regularly told I am an excellent technical writer. And I run each day to keep a clear head for thinking about science. If someone told me I should do those things to keep my ASD at bay I would be humiliated and would probably stop just to spite them. It isn’t rational but there you have it.

Thanks for the suggestion. I've asked DS if he regrets leaving his program, but he says "I made my decision" whatever that means.

It's a good idea to insist he get a low-level job. Maybe a boring job will make him realize how lucky he was to be in such a great PhD program.

This is the PP above. To me your DS’ comment sounds like rigid ASD like thinking. Probably what he thinks is final but it shouldn’t need to be.

But before you tell him that, Op you sound exasperated and I would probably be too. I have an ASD child too and it is exasperating. But I’m sure you’ve been told that like any person, a person with ASD wants their feelings validated. Try to listen to him to make him feel heard. Tell him you love him. Then you can try to work on the problem. My child can rage with anger or be trapped in rigid thinking and scolding or arguing or even telling does zero and dogs you in deeper. But validation, listening love and empathy work on him the way they do with non ASD children. Sometimes even better because he is so hard on himself and others are too snd he is craving even a little positive interaction and love. It can be hard to get past the frustration you feel with negative thought and behavior patterns but it is so critical. Good luck to you and your son. Remember also that life is long and he will move past this stage. Leaving home and setting up for yourself is a huge change and is just ridiculously tough for ASD people who fear change. So be patient and understanding.his problems will never be “over” - ASD is a weakness and a strength for the rest of his life. But he will get to a better place where he can be happy and successful. The thirties and beyond can be really great places.

Thanks for your encouraging words, PP. I'm so sad right now for my son. I think, at some level, he regrets leaving his grad program, but he's certain they won't let him back in. It's such a competitive program that they only give you one chance, he told me. I don't know if that's true or not. He does get lots of positive interactions from me and DH, and of course we tell him we love him every chance we get. But he's not the person he was in college, and that makes me so sad to see. He was busy and proactive and really involved in his college. Grad school seemed to knock all that energy out of him.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you help him compose an email to the school and see if they will let him back in?

[Anonymous]

I honestly would suggest that you ask him to see a (good) therapist. I'd make him start there. That provides socialization and support. This advice-giving role can be outsourced, and the most effective strategies (particularly given his rigidity) will be self-generated (or at least will seem to be self-generated).

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you focus on self-care for yourself. That will hopefully create a more positive feedback loop in your family. That's the one thing that will make a difference that is within your control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly would suggest that you ask him to see a (good) therapist. I'd make him start there. That provides socialization and support. This advice-giving role can be outsourced, and the most effective strategies (particularly given his rigidity) will be self-generated (or at least will seem to be self-generated).

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you focus on self-care for yourself. That will hopefully create a more positive feedback loop in your family. That's the one thing that will make a difference that is within your control.

These are both good suggestions. I've come up with them myself in the past few days, as nothing, and I mean not one thing gets through to DS. It's astonishing and heartbreaking to me that a kid can reach so high and fall so far in such a short time. I am going to try to see if somehow DS will listen to the idea of going to a therapist, but I don't know how to get him to even accept the idea that he might need one. He is so, so smart in the STEM area, and so, so stupid in other areas!! It drives me insane. And yes, I'm focusing on myself and my needs too as a way to distract myself from worrying about DS. But the worry always returns.

I posted hoping to hear success stories from other parents of adult HFASD children, but this has in fact been a disappointing thread, as there aren't many success stories. Kicking a child into the street isn't my idea of success. I'll never kick my kid out. I don't think giving your own flesh and blood a roof over his or her head and food to eat is coddling or spoiling them. It's taking care of basic needs, and I can't deny my child those.

Thanks for the suggestions, all. I'm despairing right now about DS and his future.

[Anonymous]

I will lead with I don’t have an ASD child. I have seen a few friends deal with kids who have failed to launch and one has some kind of diagnosis. While you are the parent, an adult child will balk at the previous parent child dynamic. If your DS resists a coach/therapy, you and your DH need tools to manage this. Realistically, what you are doing now isn’t working. At the very least, I would want to require full time work, no matter how menial, for him to live in my home. A professional can help you manage this. You have great intentions.

-Just my 2 cents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly would suggest that you ask him to see a (good) therapist. I'd make him start there. That provides socialization and support. This advice-giving role can be outsourced, and the most effective strategies (particularly given his rigidity) will be self-generated (or at least will seem to be self-generated).

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you focus on self-care for yourself. That will hopefully create a more positive feedback loop in your family. That's the one thing that will make a difference that is within your control.

These are both good suggestions. I've come up with them myself in the past few days, as nothing, and I mean not one thing gets through to DS. It's astonishing and heartbreaking to me that a kid can reach so high and fall so far in such a short time. I am going to try to see if somehow DS will listen to the idea of going to a therapist, but I don't know how to get him to even accept the idea that he might need one. He is so, so smart in the STEM area, and so, so stupid in other areas!! It drives me insane. And yes, I'm focusing on myself and my needs too as a way to distract myself from worrying about DS. But the worry always returns.

I posted hoping to hear success stories from other parents of adult HFASD children, but this has in fact been a disappointing thread, as there aren't many success stories. Kicking a child into the street isn't my idea of success. I'll never kick my kid out. I don't think giving your own flesh and blood a roof over his or her head and food to eat is coddling or spoiling them. It's taking care of basic needs, and I can't deny my child those.

Thanks for the suggestions, all. I'm despairing right now about DS and his future.

So I have a young child but I actually think there are probably not a lot of parents with HFA adult children who frequent this board. Not that there aren’t any who have successfully launched. Random though but maybe you could seek out advice from HFA adults. Maybe check out the autism subreddit on Reddit and ask there.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have experience with ASD but I do with grad school. Lots of people drop out of PhD programs, over 50% of people leave without a doctorate. It is very common. The programs are interesting and can be amazing but they are a grind. Your son might have been struggling more then you know.The pandemic might be his excuse for dropping out but there is likely more to the story. And he might not want to return for reasons that he has not told you.

I would stop focusing on returning to grad school, your description tells me that he is done with it and doesn’t want to return. Part of his depression or struggle could be that he is feeling like he failed because he didn’t complete this program. I know I struggled after completing my PhD and not landing an academic job. It took a while to accept that the job market in academia is very different and challenging and that tenure track positions are really limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have experience with ASD but I do with grad school. Lots of people drop out of PhD programs, over 50% of people leave without a doctorate. It is very common. The programs are interesting and can be amazing but they are a grind. Your son might have been struggling more then you know.The pandemic might be his excuse for dropping out but there is likely more to the story. And he might not want to return for reasons that he has not told you.

I would stop focusing on returning to grad school, your description tells me that he is done with it and doesn’t want to return. Part of his depression or struggle could be that he is feeling like he failed because he didn’t complete this program. I know I struggled after completing my PhD and not landing an academic job. It took a while to accept that the job market in academia is very different and challenging and that tenure track positions are really limited.

All of this is very common, multiple job interviews with no follow-up or offer, struggling or feeling lost after school is over, feeling lost and isolated during the pandemic. Some of it is due to ASD but it's also all very normal for many people.

[Anonymous]

Career services at his alma mater might be some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly would suggest that you ask him to see a (good) therapist. I'd make him start there. That provides socialization and support. This advice-giving role can be outsourced, and the most effective strategies (particularly given his rigidity) will be self-generated (or at least will seem to be self-generated).

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you focus on self-care for yourself. That will hopefully create a more positive feedback loop in your family. That's the one thing that will make a difference that is within your control.

These are both good suggestions. I've come up with them myself in the past few days, as nothing, and I mean not one thing gets through to DS. It's astonishing and heartbreaking to me that a kid can reach so high and fall so far in such a short time. I am going to try to see if somehow DS will listen to the idea of going to a therapist, but I don't know how to get him to even accept the idea that he might need one. He is so, so smart in the STEM area, and so, so stupid in other areas!! It drives me insane. And yes, I'm focusing on myself and my needs too as a way to distract myself from worrying about DS. But the worry always returns.

I posted hoping to hear success stories from other parents of adult HFASD children, but this has in fact been a disappointing thread, as there aren't many success stories. Kicking a child into the street isn't my idea of success. I'll never kick my kid out. I don't think giving your own flesh and blood a roof over his or her head and food to eat is coddling or spoiling them. It's taking care of basic needs, and I can't deny my child those.

Thanks for the suggestions, all. I'm despairing right now about DS and his future.

Your attitude about coddling him is called codependency.

You are a large part of the problem he faces. You're not ready to face that so I wont wqste my breath but he is your child but he is not A child. He's an adult that you are enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly would suggest that you ask him to see a (good) therapist. I'd make him start there. That provides socialization and support. This advice-giving role can be outsourced, and the most effective strategies (particularly given his rigidity) will be self-generated (or at least will seem to be self-generated).

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you focus on self-care for yourself. That will hopefully create a more positive feedback loop in your family. That's the one thing that will make a difference that is within your control.

These are both good suggestions. I've come up with them myself in the past few days, as nothing, and I mean not one thing gets through to DS. It's astonishing and heartbreaking to me that a kid can reach so high and fall so far in such a short time. I am going to try to see if somehow DS will listen to the idea of going to a therapist, but I don't know how to get him to even accept the idea that he might need one. He is so, so smart in the STEM area, and so, so stupid in other areas!! It drives me insane. And yes, I'm focusing on myself and my needs too as a way to distract myself from worrying about DS. But the worry always returns.

I posted hoping to hear success stories from other parents of adult HFASD children, but this has in fact been a disappointing thread, as there aren't many success stories. Kicking a child into the street isn't my idea of success. I'll never kick my kid out. I don't think giving your own flesh and blood a roof over his or her head and food to eat is coddling or spoiling them. It's taking care of basic needs, and I can't deny my child those.

Thanks for the suggestions, all. I'm despairing right now about DS and his future.

So I have a young child but I actually think there are probably not a lot of parents with HFA adult children who frequent this board. Not that there aren’t any who have successfully launched. Random though but maybe you could seek out advice from HFA adults. Maybe check out the autism subreddit on Reddit and ask there.

An autistic adult did offer her advice and she didn't want to hear it.