Need advice from parents of adult child with high functioning ASD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

Coffee chats and informationals zooms or calls are. You can’t just dump your resume and not follow up directly. Even if you are cal tech or MIT.

I know all this. I've patiently explained this to him. DH has patiently explained this to him. He won't listen to us. All he does is send out his resume, wait for the call (it always comes) and do a zoom interview, then there's no job offer.

I think an interviewing coach is a great idea, but where would I find one? And I think he should pay for it, but that's not likely to happen. And how to get him to see someone like that?

He said to me when I was gently nudging him toward picking up the phone to call a recruiter that he was "tired of me lecturing" him. That really broke me.

How many interviews has he had? Has he had more than one interview with the same company? First round is always with a recruiter, and it is mostly behavioral assessment. If he is not progressing to the next round, he needs help with soft skills, eg interview coach (look online for one). It is not that deep really, he will have to memorize standard responses and do interview prep. He can find lists of behavioral questions online as well. Also, send him to teamblind.com to see what others do to land a job. It is a lot of work. And it takes time. I am not surprised it is taking him that long, especially if he aims high.

He has interviewed with several companies he wants to work with. He gets to the second round, and then is told they don't want him. Then the recruiter ghosts him. He won't reach out to others in the (huge) company. He decides he can't work there, and gives up. A family friend offered to show his resume around his company, but my son didn't follow up. He said he wasn't sure he wanted to work for the company, so didn't even bother pursuing it even though he has no job. Makes me want to tear out my hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

Coffee chats and informationals zooms or calls are. You can’t just dump your resume and not follow up directly. Even if you are cal tech or MIT.

I know all this. I've patiently explained this to him. DH has patiently explained this to him. He won't listen to us. All he does is send out his resume, wait for the call (it always comes) and do a zoom interview, then there's no job offer.

I think an interviewing coach is a great idea, but where would I find one? And I think he should pay for it, but that's not likely to happen. And how to get him to see someone like that?

He said to me when I was gently nudging him toward picking up the phone to call a recruiter that he was "tired of me lecturing" him. That really broke me.

How many interviews has he had? Has he had more than one interview with the same company? First round is always with a recruiter, and it is mostly behavioral assessment. If he is not progressing to the next round, he needs help with soft skills, eg interview coach (look online for one). It is not that deep really, he will have to memorize standard responses and do interview prep. He can find lists of behavioral questions online as well. Also, send him to teamblind.com to see what others do to land a job. It is a lot of work. And it takes time. I am not surprised it is taking him that long, especially if he aims high.

He has interviewed with several companies he wants to work with. He gets to the second round, and then is told they don't want him. Then the recruiter ghosts him. He won't reach out to others in the (huge) company. He decides he can't work there, and gives up. A family friend offered to show his resume around his company, but my son didn't follow up. He said he wasn't sure he wanted to work for the company, so didn't even bother pursuing it even though he has no job. Makes me want to tear out my hair.

Leave your hair be. This is how job hunt goes in this day and age for 6 figure salaries in tech. It is not just his disability, it is a reality of tech job market. He chooses to be picky, since he has a roof over his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the MS in? What type of job is he seeking? Has he applied for any Federal jobs?

Not sure if I can comment since I don't have a kid with ASD but an ASD spouse. Second the idea for a fed job. Promotions are fairly rote and not based primarily on soft skills/ socialization

If your DS is open to it, you can do what my MIL did and get very active in his romantic life and marry him off

How did that exactly work? Did you know what was going on?

How does it affect your spousal relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He may be socially immature but he also sounds arrogant and rude to you, frankly. How about he having to have an interview skills etc coach and join a gym or whatever in s gangs for you NOT charging rent. He needs to know that his high aIQ doesn’t make up for his almost willful lack of EQ.

I’m not op, and I don’t have an adult HFA kid, but I know enough to know that you are appalling.

Where did op describe rudeness? Please do quote, because I’m very curious to know how struggles turn into rudeness.

I disagree. I know the type in denial their symptoms and diagnoses and pain they cause others. They never developed positive coping mechanisms and self developed very negative ones instead. This is too bad, because he will present narcissistic to people close to him at work or home. The attitude that he can do no wrong, will not go over well.

Who do you disagree with, pp or ppp?

[Anonymous]

I agree that OPs son is on his way to beings quite a ride individual, especially to people trying to help him.
Refusing to acknowledge his aSD or even read up in aspergers is a major impediment to his future quality of life at work or with any personal relationships. Refusing help, suggestions and advice is the next nail in the coffin.

If he won’t get help relative soon he will be a failure to launch case, and OP will have to live him but detach from any expectations. He will find his people once not enabled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that OPs son is on his way to beings quite a ride individual, especially to people trying to help him.
Refusing to acknowledge his aSD or even read up in aspergers is a major impediment to his future quality of life at work or with any personal relationships. Refusing help, suggestions and advice is the next nail in the coffin.

If he won’t get help relative soon he will be a failure to launch case, and OP will have to live him but detach from any expectations. He will find his people once not enabled.

What are you suggesting, PP?

"Not enabled"? What does that mean?

Kick him out on the street? Stop doing what? I'm doing nothing for him, but offering support and gentle urging, but he won't listen to anything I say. I feed and house him, but that's it. No other support, aside from emotional support, but he doesn't want emotional support from DH or me.

He has HFASD! He doesn't know he's disabled because he's so exceptionally smart in his area of expertise. I've tried, gently, to explain this to him. I've offered to pay for a counselor to speak with him. I'll now, thanks to suggestions here, offer to pay for an interview coach in case he'll listen to a coach.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that OPs son is on his way to beings quite a ride individual, especially to people trying to help him.
Refusing to acknowledge his aSD or even read up in aspergers is a major impediment to his future quality of life at work or with any personal relationships. Refusing help, suggestions and advice is the next nail in the coffin.

If he won’t get help relative soon he will be a failure to launch case, and OP will have to live him but detach from any expectations. He will find his people once not enabled.

What are you suggesting, PP?

"Not enabled"? What does that mean?

Kick him out on the street? Stop doing what? I'm doing nothing for him, but offering support and gentle urging, but he won't listen to anything I say. I feed and house him, but that's it. No other support, aside from emotional support, but he doesn't want emotional support from DH or me.

He has HFASD! He doesn't know he's disabled because he's so exceptionally smart in his area of expertise. I've tried, gently, to explain this to him. I've offered to pay for a counselor to speak with him. I'll now, thanks to suggestions here, offer to pay for an interview coach in case he'll listen to a coach.

Maybe you need to treat him as him, without thinking about his disability. If he’s very high functioning, he could be borderline, and feels more normal than not. Maybe he constantly feels pressured to have something wrong with him, and he doesn’t want to.

If people enjoy him in a stem setting, that may be an indication that he’s not that abnormal. Stem people aren’t inept, they just evaluate things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that OPs son is on his way to beings quite a ride individual, especially to people trying to help him.
Refusing to acknowledge his aSD or even read up in aspergers is a major impediment to his future quality of life at work or with any personal relationships. Refusing help, suggestions and advice is the next nail in the coffin.

If he won’t get help relative soon he will be a failure to launch case, and OP will have to live him but detach from any expectations. He will find his people once not enabled.

What are you suggesting, PP?

"Not enabled"? What does that mean?

Kick him out on the street? Stop doing what? I'm doing nothing for him, but offering support and gentle urging, but he won't listen to anything I say. I feed and house him, but that's it. No other support, aside from emotional support, but he doesn't want emotional support from DH or me.

He has HFASD! He doesn't know he's disabled because he's so exceptionally smart in his area of expertise. I've tried, gently, to explain this to him. I've offered to pay for a counselor to speak with him. I'll now, thanks to suggestions here, offer to pay for an interview coach in case he'll listen to a coach.

How does he “ it know he has HFA?”

If he has the symptoms and /or diagnosis and have been told them, he knows. Now if he is refusing to accept that his symptoms are neuroatypical or his whole diagnosis or neuropsych that is different than “not knowing.”

You are doing alright Op. try third parties to get through to him. I’m sorry he dropped out of his Phd program on a lark or whatever (he’s not telling you). I wouldn’t run around doing anything else for him, especially if you have other adult children, work and friends. Don’t lose YOUR sense of self with this.

[Anonymous]

At some point the label doesn’t matter, the behavior does. Focus on that. Dropping out, not applying himself, not paying room& board, poor verbal communication, etc. I’d out a time limit on the lack of action.

[Anonymous]

Op you may disregard but I am adult with HFA and ADHD and academia is fantastic for it.

As someone who is now a professor, I want to suggest that the chances of reentrance even after withdrawing are likely quite high, if he withdrew during the pandemic. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

Also he should really consider a PhD now. It has been hard for foreign students to come which are the lifeblood of many of these programs. He may be really surprised what he gets.

But if he doesn’t really want a PhD that is a different story. When I stayed home as an adult my parents (again not the parent but the child) told me I had to get a job, even if it was a menial one. I found a job in tech support and that was enough boredom to get me interested in school again. I don’t know if it will work but hope these suggestions offer some value.

Also, and I say this gently, please remember that the goal isn’t for him to acknowledge his disability - it is to get a job, be happy and have a successful life. Maybe focus on those first. Think of it like a chronic illness, which it is. Focusing all day on your rheumatoid arthritis wouldn’t be fulfilling. What would he wou he to go back to school, and to be motivated to get the right sleep and exercise. And it would be wise under those circumstances to chose radiology over surgery. I found a job I loved by following things I liked and could do. That positivity feedback also now motivates me to work on my communication skillls and health. I’m still terrible at small talk but I am regularly told I am an excellent technical writer. And I run each day to keep a clear head for thinking about science. If someone told me I should do those things to keep my ASD at bay I would be humiliated and would probably stop just to spite them. It isn’t rational but there you have it.

[Anonymous]

My adult son has ASD and is in Comp Sci. He said that most of his interviews are coding tests. They give you a few problems to do to see if you’re a good programmer. He has had some success finding jobs because there is no traditional interview. He cannot do small talk, or eye contact, and is exceedingly quiet. The interviewers are used to his type due to the prevalence in his field. They have been great with giving him a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adult son has ASD and is in Comp Sci. He said that most of his interviews are coding tests. They give you a few problems to do to see if you’re a good programmer. He has had some success finding jobs because there is no traditional interview. He cannot do small talk, or eye contact, and is exceedingly quiet. The interviewers are used to his type due to the prevalence in his field. They have been great with giving him a chance.

OP’s son has not been able to clear the second (technical) round, which should have been easier than the first (behavioral) for a person with ASD. I still think your son, OP, is shooting too high. All these established companies want work experience. They would rather have a returning intern that a recent grad from an Ivy. He will realize that sooner or later and adjust his expectations.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have anything to suggest, but I wanted to empathize with you. My sister is in her 40s, has never accepted that she so clearly has HFA, is very smart but lacks judgment, lives in a sort of denial, and would never know how to go about getting a salaried job.

She is a nanny and lives with my parents. It is very difficult for people on the spectrum who are too high functioning to qualify for programs, group homes, etc. And she can’t afford to live on her own and would never, ever be successful as a roommate.

So, I feel for you, OP. It is a very challenging situation. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

Great suggestions, however, he won't listen to me at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he's autistic. He claims he outgrew it. He'd never take advice from an autism group! He's extremely high functioning intellectually. But socially, he's about at a 17 year old boy level, or lower. He's never had a best friend or a long-term girlfriend.

I'll see if I can find an interviewing coach, but the bigger challenge will be getting him to even see the coach and then listen to their advice!

I've tried to get him to apply to the places where he interned. They seemed to like him a lot. He says he will, but I've seen no evidence of it. Other places where his qualifications and experience seem a fit, will interview him, but in the end, don't want him. I'm guessing it's his lack of interviewing skills, but he told me "it could be anything" and told me I was "just speculating" that his interviewing wasn't going well.

He just submits his resume online. He says he doesn't need a cover letter because his resume lists a job objective. Is this correct? I'm not in a STEM field, but in my field, you always send a cover letter.

Let me answer this as 1. An adult with asd who was very much stuck after college 2. The wife of an adult with asd and 3. as the mother of asd children, one of whom is nearly an adult:

Kick him out. Your son (like most asd people) is never going to do the things you want him to do because he is very comfortable living on his head instead of in the real world.

You have no real clue if he's actually submitting resumes. The labor pool is very dry right now and I find it improbable that he hasn't been offered a job. I worked in a stem field most of my adult life and soft skills mattered very little. Plenty of extremely awkward people had some how made it through the interview process.

Your son will not do what you tell or suggest to him and likely never will. The more you carry his weight the longer he will avoid becoming an independent adult.

You are doing him a grand disservice to allow h to continue living in your home. As a mother I realize that is counterintuitive to your intentions but my father had to literally put his house on the market for sale before I got it together and got a job. I then moved across the country had a very successful career and successful children. Had my father not sold the house I would still he living there very contently.