Need advice from parents of adult child with high functioning ASD

[Anonymous]

Please, no snark.

I'm really heartbroken over what's happened to my high functioning ASD child during the pandemic.

Before the pandemic, my child was in a top STEM PhD program, headed for far greater success than I'd ever imagined for him.

But when the pandemic hit, and his university shut down, he dropped out with an MA that they basically handed him on the way out.

Now, DC is living at home, supposedly looking for a job.

DC sends out resumes with no cover letter. Has interviews because of prestigious MA, but doesn't get called back (likely because of poor social skills.

DH and I offer gentle suggestions to DC, but he refuses all help. He won't listen to anything we suggest, no matter how small. Won't exercise, won't see a therapist to help with (I suspect) depression and ASD behavior, won't even take vitamins.

He does walk the dog, washes the dishes, and is mostly a quiet house guest.

If you are not a parent of an adult ASD kid, please do not comment. You cannot possibly understand this situation and how heartbreaking it is.

If you've been through this type of thing with your HFASD adult child, what did you do? Stand back and do nothing while they dig themselves deeper into a pit they don't have the ability to either understand or climb out of? Keep trying to help, gently? What am I not doing?

Don't say kick him out, because I won't. DH wants to give him a few more months and then tell him he has to start paying rent. I don't know if that will help.

He sits in his room and watches videos, texts his friends (he actually has a few friends, which is a huge accomplishment for an ASD person), and sends out the occasional resume.

Looking for empathy and suggestions from parents of HFASD adult children who have BTDT. TIA.

[Anonymous]

What was the MS in? What type of job is he seeking? Has he applied for any Federal jobs?

[Anonymous]

You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the MS in? What type of job is he seeking? Has he applied for any Federal jobs?

Not sure if I can comment since I don't have a kid with ASD but an ASD spouse. Second the idea for a fed job. Promotions are fairly rote and not based primarily on soft skills/ socialization

If your DS is open to it, you can do what my MIL did and get very active in his romantic life and marry him off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can find him a jobs coach where he can practice the art of interviewing. I would start looking at some of the autism organizations that may have programs to help with this. Sometimes the local ARCs have things too and anyone can participate. This article may help you start the search: https://daivergent.com/blog/companies-that-hire-autistic-adults

You may have to act as his job counselor at first and do some of the front end stuff for/with him.

My child with ASD was able to get a job after an college internship. He may have had a similar experience as your son as he went on several other interviews but received no other offers- just the one from the people that knew him from his internship. I do not think he interviewed well otherwise. He was a computer engineering major and ASD is somewhat of a stereotype for that major.

Great suggestions, however, he won't listen to me at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he's autistic. He claims he outgrew it. He'd never take advice from an autism group! He's extremely high functioning intellectually. But socially, he's about at a 17 year old boy level, or lower. He's never had a best friend or a long-term girlfriend.

I'll see if I can find an interviewing coach, but the bigger challenge will be getting him to even see the coach and then listen to their advice!

I've tried to get him to apply to the places where he interned. They seemed to like him a lot. He says he will, but I've seen no evidence of it. Other places where his qualifications and experience seem a fit, will interview him, but in the end, don't want him. I'm guessing it's his lack of interviewing skills, but he told me "it could be anything" and told me I was "just speculating" that his interviewing wasn't going well.

He just submits his resume online. He says he doesn't need a cover letter because his resume lists a job objective. Is this correct? I'm not in a STEM field, but in my field, you always send a cover letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the MS in? What type of job is he seeking? Has he applied for any Federal jobs?

Not sure if I can comment since I don't have a kid with ASD but an ASD spouse. Second the idea for a fed job. Promotions are fairly rote and not based primarily on soft skills/ socialization

If your DS is open to it, you can do what my MIL did and get very active in his romantic life and marry him off

Ha ha. I offered to buy him a subscription to match.com (as a joke), but he said no!! He goes on Tinder and Hinge to find dates, but only goes out a few times and the girls never call him back. I'd love for him to find a long-term girlfriend!!! All the females in his grad program are too sophisticated for him. He said none of them wanted to get married! They're only interested in their careers, he claims. This is autism speaking, IMHO.

I'll see if DH will walk him through applying for a fed job. That's a great suggestion. And he might feel comfortable in a less pressured place where there are other STEM types like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the MS in? What type of job is he seeking? Has he applied for any Federal jobs?

Not sure if I can comment since I don't have a kid with ASD but an ASD spouse. Second the idea for a fed job. Promotions are fairly rote and not based primarily on soft skills/ socialization

If your DS is open to it, you can do what my MIL did and get very active in his romantic life and marry him off

Ha ha. I offered to buy him a subscription to match.com (as a joke), but he said no!! He goes on Tinder and Hinge to find dates, but only goes out a few times and the girls never call him back. I'd love for him to find a long-term girlfriend!!! All the females in his grad program are too sophisticated for him. He said none of them wanted to get married! They're only interested in their careers, he claims. This is autism speaking, IMHO.

I'll see if DH will walk him through applying for a fed job. That's a great suggestion. And he might feel comfortable in a less pressured place where there are other STEM types like him.

Honestly, his disability may benefit him in getting hired for a fed job. It adds points to his job application (I don’t really understand the system - read up on USAjobs), and can get him an interview.

[Anonymous]

Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

[Anonymous]

Any chance he can get back on the PhD track?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance he can get back on the PhD track?

He's withdrawn from his program, and it's so competitive that he won't be accepted back once he's left. I think it was a dumb decision to leave, but he doesn't have the greatest judgement. That's part of HFASD, I'm afraid.

He's said he'll go back for a PhD at a less competitive school after he works for a few years. He didn't like living on a subsistence grad school stipend. Jobs in his field pay six figures starting salary, if he can get hired, of course.

[Anonymous]

He may be socially immature but he also sounds arrogant and rude to you, frankly. How about he having to have an interview skills etc coach and join a gym or whatever in s gangs for you NOT charging rent. He needs to know that his high aIQ doesn’t make up for his almost willful lack of EQ.

[Anonymous]

^ in exchange for ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

Thank you! that's good to know! I'll stop urging him to write cover letters!

He is on LinkedIn, but not really using it to look for a job, as far as I can tell. Networking? I don't think he has any idea how to network, and he won't listen to me. Getting him an interviewing coach would help, as maybe he'd listen to them. But getting him there...?? How to do this? He doesn't even accept that he has any kind of disability, which clearly he does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may be socially immature but he also sounds arrogant and rude to you, frankly. How about he having to have an interview skills etc coach and join a gym or whatever in s gangs for you NOT charging rent. He needs to know that his high aIQ doesn’t make up for his almost willful lack of EQ.

Do you have an HFASD kid? If not, you have no idea what they are like. They don't think like the rest of us. I have neurotypical kids too, and they are so different. Social immaturity is only part of the problem. There are more issues, but I'd need a few hours to explain it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

Thank you! that's good to know! I'll stop urging him to write cover letters!

He is on LinkedIn, but not really using it to look for a job, as far as I can tell. Networking? I don't think he has any idea how to network, and he won't listen to me. Getting him an interviewing coach would help, as maybe he'd listen to them. But getting him there...?? How to do this? He doesn't even accept that he has any kind of disability, which clearly he does!

My DD just went through job hunting. It is imperative to have an interview coach. I suspect your son wants to land a job at FAANG, and does not even look at anything else. He should consider mature startups. What is is his field? Data science? I dont think it is his disability that prevents his from finding a job, rather he probably is rigid with the options and not persistent enough. It is a grueling process full of disappointment, stress. Hiring picked up towards this fall, now is a good time to look for jobs.