How do I gently pull away from a friend who keeps hurting me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A godchild’s FRIEND’S birthday party?!

You are insane. Seek help.

Try to keep up, dear. You misread the post and it’s been explained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A godchild’s FRIEND’S birthday party?!

You are insane. Seek help.

That's what I was thinking until OP clarified it was her godchild's party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're only hurt by her because your expectations are unreasonable.

You want to be invited to your godchilds FRIENDS birthday party??

I read it was the godchild’s birthday party with her friends (as opposed to a family-only party). Is that right, OP?

OP here and yes. It was my Godchild’s birthday party.

Op, by age 8 it's pretty normal for the bday parties to be more focused on the same age friends than on the adults in the child's life.

+1 Also, did your friend tell you about the party and not specifically invite you, or you found out about the party later or through someone else? Either way not sure it's best to take this one so personally. As a PP wrote, by age 8 kids' parties are mostly just attended by the kids; any adults are background. Do you think it's possible your friend knew this and was considerate of your 90-minute drive?

Omg I missed the 90 min drive. Op, your expectation that it's normal to attend and be included in all these events is unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

These are generalities. That's a good start, but it doesn't help for the details of planning.

What does "second or third in her life" mean? Talking 2-3 times a week? Texting good morning daily, but not talking on the phone? Getting together a couple of weekends a month? How much interaction, and on what media, would be a good relationship for you?

What does "more important" look like? Her asking you how your day is going at least as often as you ask about her? Her volunteering to help you in person with things, or is the phone enough?

Two examples of how I’d like to be more important:

When I drive up there (after being invited) to spend time with the kids, I don’t want to be asked to leave early because her parents are coming over (her parents live two minutes away).

I was hurt by not being invited to my Godchild’s friends birthday party. My Godchild wanted me there and I’ve always gone to her parties in the past (she’s 8).


And to the very insightful PP, I’m not in therapy but my underlying fear is that I’m only worth consideration when I’m of use or that I’m somehow embarrassing. Those are my issues.

You have very valid reasons regardless of what some rude posters have said. Asking you to leave because her parents came over? That's absurd but also very telling. I had a similar situation and while I was a much better friend she would toss me over for someone that lived out of state. I finally realized our relationship was only based on her needs. I think you should start doing things other things and make some new friends. She sounds like somewhat of a user which is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a Stage Five Clinger, and she’d be well rid of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're only hurt by her because your expectations are unreasonable.

You want to be invited to your godchilds FRIENDS birthday party??

I read it was the godchild’s birthday party with her friends (as opposed to a family-only party). Is that right, OP?

OP here and yes. It was my Godchild’s birthday party.

Yes you should have been invited to that. And you said the child wanted you there.

I agree. Time to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do anything for her anymore. Recognize that your “friend” is a user. It reflects her character, not yours. To ask you to leave early after inviting you - that’s not a friend I’d want to spend time with.

Only go to events for the kids, but have zero expectations. Quite frankly, I would let go entirely. This relationship will continue to cause you pain, unless you fully accept that she is not a real friend. Again, that has nothing to do with your value. She’s thoughtless.

+1 This! NP here and this is now I read it, too. The friend valued you when she needed free babysitting and now that they moved doesn’t value you.

+2. I’m surprised more posters didn’t pick up on this. The “friend” is a user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a Stage Five Clinger, and she’d be well rid of you.

Not OP but what a mean-spirited comment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a Stage Five Clinger, and she’d be well rid of you.

You’re ugly, PP.

OP, please ignore idiots like this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

These are generalities. That's a good start, but it doesn't help for the details of planning.

What does "second or third in her life" mean? Talking 2-3 times a week? Texting good morning daily, but not talking on the phone? Getting together a couple of weekends a month? How much interaction, and on what media, would be a good relationship for you?

What does "more important" look like? Her asking you how your day is going at least as often as you ask about her? Her volunteering to help you in person with things, or is the phone enough?

Two examples of how I’d like to be more important:

When I drive up there (after being invited) to spend time with the kids, I don’t want to be asked to leave early because her parents are coming over (her parents live two minutes away).

I was hurt by not being invited to my Godchild’s friends birthday party. My Godchild wanted me there and I’ve always gone to her parties in the past (she’s 8).


And to the very insightful PP, I’m not in therapy but my underlying fear is that I’m only worth consideration when I’m of use or that I’m somehow embarrassing. Those are my issues.

You have very valid reasons regardless of what some rude posters have said. Asking you to leave because her parents came over? That's absurd but also very telling. I had a similar situation and while I was a much better friend she would toss me over for someone that lived out of state. I finally realized our relationship was only based on her needs. I think you should start doing things other things and make some new friends. She sounds like somewhat of a user which is not uncommon.

+1. I agree completely. But it’s very hard when you love the users child. OP’s Goddaughter did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP can be hurt , but that doesn't mean her reasons are valid.

Just because a child may want someone at the birthday party doesn't mean, the parent has to allow it. Kids do not always know what is best for them.
It's also completely fine for the friend to want to spend time with her parents alone without OP.
I am also not going to rule the friend to be a user. I think she may have genuinely valued OP's friendship at the time for herself and her kids, people generally don't make someone a godparent for some reason. She now wants to back off from that relationship. Just going by what OP has shared here I think it's because she find OP intrusive, perhaps her kids behave differently when OP is around perhaps OP crossed the line when it comes to parenting decisions etc. and she's trying to establish some firmer boundaries with OP.

As for OP herself who says her kids are in college I think she's avoiding dealing with her own feelings of sadness and having an empty nest by perhaps coming too involved and invested in her friend's life.

In either case it's time to step back. If the kids call, take their calls. It's fine to send cads for birthdays or make calls etc. But don't expect to be invited to functions or invite yourself over for functions anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're only hurt by her because your expectations are unreasonable.

You want to be invited to your godchilds FRIENDS birthday party??

I read it was the godchild’s birthday party with her friends (as opposed to a family-only party). Is that right, OP?

OP here and yes. It was my Godchild’s birthday party.

She is definitely trying to distance you. Sounds like maybe you have overstepped some boundaries. Pull back.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you feel like you can't talk to her about it because it will make you too vulnerable, or she will use it against you, then you have identified something important about that relationship.

Eight years old is old enough for you to write letters to him, send a card, send a gift. I had aunts who sent me something (letter, book, etc) two or three times a year, and I considered them special people in my life. We sometimes went years between seeing each other.

I don't get the sense that you are really clear on what you want from this friendship with the other adult -- the descriptions are either too vague or too specific to be generalizable -- and I doubt you can explain it to yourself, let alone to her. But you don't have to explain. You can just acknowledge that it's not the right fit for you, stay in touch with your godchild, and pull back from the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask the child if she wanted you there? If so, the kid is of course going to answer yes to you to be polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can be hurt , but that doesn't mean her reasons are valid.

Just because a child may want someone at the birthday party doesn't mean, the parent has to allow it. Kids do not always know what is best for them.
It's also completely fine for the friend to want to spend time with her parents alone without OP.
I am also not going to rule the friend to be a user. I think she may have genuinely valued OP's friendship at the time for herself and her kids, people generally don't make someone a godparent for some reason. She now wants to back off from that relationship. Just going by what OP has shared here I think it's because she find OP intrusive, perhaps her kids behave differently when OP is around perhaps OP crossed the line when it comes to parenting decisions etc. and she's trying to establish some firmer boundaries with OP.

As for OP herself who says her kids are in college I think she's avoiding dealing with her own feelings of sadness and having an empty nest by perhaps coming too involved and invested in her friend's life.

In either case it's time to step back. If the kids call, take their calls. It's fine to send cads for birthdays or make calls etc. But don't expect to be invited to functions or invite yourself over for functions anymore.

I disagree completely with the “asked to leave early” part. You don’t invite someone - anyone - down after an hour and a half drive and then ask them to leave earlier than scheduled for any non emergency reason. That’s just rude.