How do I gently pull away from a friend who keeps hurting me?

[Anonymous]

I agree start putting your energy into something else. Everything screams "user" to me OP.

Sadly I had my share of those and no more.

[Anonymous]

Gently pull away by gently pulling away, OP. She does sound like a user to me too and that is NO reflection on you. Set your own boundaries and expect to be treated second-class as that seems to be the price to be with the kids. Once you expect that someone is a little rude and a user, it’s easier to deal with.

You love her kids and want to still see them and know that this is the price you pay. Lots of relationships are like this, really. You don’t get hurt if you know and accept it.

[Anonymous]

Did you in any way seek out or push for an invitation the day you were asked to head out earlier?

Were you expected to come by for lunch, but stayed on longer than expected?

[Anonymous]

I agree that asking you to leave early just bc her parents are stopping by is rude, if that's what happened. However, by your other posts it seems to me that you have trouble understanding boundaries and may be overly clingy in your relationship to the mom or the kids.

[Anonymous]

You sound needy, clingy, and pushy. She may well be trying to “gently distance” herself from you. Have you considered that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound needy, clingy, and pushy. She may well be trying to “gently distance” herself from you. Have you considered that?

It's pretty obvious that's what's happening.

[Anonymous]

You have to remember, OP, that this area is VERY uptight and exclusionary. And this forum in particular is “if you are hurt - it’s your fault”.

That said, you’re probably from a “big table” family like me. My kids have family and friend inclusive birthday parties where all who love them and their friends are invited. No separate parties - that’s ridiculous. If my son had a problem at his 13th birthday party with his gay uncle playing laser tag with he and his friends, he certainly never said anything (nor would I care if he did) and told me how much he loved his party. This is his family. These are the adults who love him (grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends, former babysitters). We don’t compartmentalize.

And you don’t kick someone out because someone else is coming over. I’m assuming you don’t live in a van with limited physical space.

But read the comments here. Not everyone is like us. This town and certainly the suburbs are filled with anxious, insecure people (which is what your friend sounds like). Pity them and live your life inclusively!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are entitled to a preference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to remember, OP, that this area is VERY uptight and exclusionary. And this forum in particular is “if you are hurt - it’s your fault”.

That said, you’re probably from a “big table” family like me. My kids have family and friend inclusive birthday parties where all who love them and their friends are invited. No separate parties - that’s ridiculous. If my son had a problem at his 13th birthday party with his gay uncle playing laser tag with he and his friends, he certainly never said anything (nor would I care if he did) and told me how much he loved his party. This is his family. These are the adults who love him (grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends, former babysitters). We don’t compartmentalize.

And you don’t kick someone out because someone else is coming over. I’m assuming you don’t live in a van with limited physical space.

But read the comments here. Not everyone is like us. This town and certainly the suburbs are filled with anxious, insecure people (which is what your friend sounds like). Pity them and live your life inclusively!

I don't think op is from a big table family. I think op felt special when named godmother, as she should have. She expected to be like family, which is also understandable. However, the "friend" has made it clear that's not how she sees the op, at least not anymore.

Op needs to accept that and move on, despite what she had hoped this relationship would become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can be hurt , but that doesn't mean her reasons are valid.

Just because a child may want someone at the birthday party doesn't mean, the parent has to allow it. Kids do not always know what is best for them.
It's also completely fine for the friend to want to spend time with her parents alone without OP.
I am also not going to rule the friend to be a user. I think she may have genuinely valued OP's friendship at the time for herself and her kids, people generally don't make someone a godparent for some reason. She now wants to back off from that relationship. Just going by what OP has shared here I think it's because she find OP intrusive, perhaps her kids behave differently when OP is around perhaps OP crossed the line when it comes to parenting decisions etc. and she's trying to establish some firmer boundaries with OP.

As for OP herself who says her kids are in college I think she's avoiding dealing with her own feelings of sadness and having an empty nest by perhaps coming too involved and invested in her friend's life.

In either case it's time to step back. If the kids call, take their calls. It's fine to send cads for birthdays or make calls etc. But don't expect to be invited to functions or invite yourself over for functions anymore.

I disagree completely with the “asked to leave early” part. You don’t invite someone - anyone - down after an hour and a half drive and then ask them to leave earlier than scheduled for any non emergency reason. That’s just rude.

Was OP invited or did she just come? Seeing how OP refuses to accept any other side of things than her own, I can see how her friend may have had a difficult time telling her not to come up as she was expecting a visit. OR she did and OP said she was going to come up anyway because she was going to be in the are or didn't mind the ride. ALso it's not like this is a once in a life time trip for OP. She apparently does it frequently. It's an hour drive, and we also don't know what's going on with the friend's family that they may want some private time apart from OP. Bottom line you are not entitled to spend time in someone eles's home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can be hurt , but that doesn't mean her reasons are valid.

Just because a child may want someone at the birthday party doesn't mean, the parent has to allow it. Kids do not always know what is best for them.
It's also completely fine for the friend to want to spend time with her parents alone without OP.
I am also not going to rule the friend to be a user. I think she may have genuinely valued OP's friendship at the time for herself and her kids, people generally don't make someone a godparent for some reason. She now wants to back off from that relationship. Just going by what OP has shared here I think it's because she find OP intrusive, perhaps her kids behave differently when OP is around perhaps OP crossed the line when it comes to parenting decisions etc. and she's trying to establish some firmer boundaries with OP.

As for OP herself who says her kids are in college I think she's avoiding dealing with her own feelings of sadness and having an empty nest by perhaps coming too involved and invested in her friend's life.

In either case it's time to step back. If the kids call, take their calls. It's fine to send cads for birthdays or make calls etc. But don't expect to be invited to functions or invite yourself over for functions anymore.

I disagree completely with the “asked to leave early” part. You don’t invite someone - anyone - down after an hour and a half drive and then ask them to leave earlier than scheduled for any non emergency reason. That’s just rude.

Was OP invited or did she just come? Seeing how OP refuses to accept any other side of things than her own, I can see how her friend may have had a difficult time telling her not to come up as she was expecting a visit. OR she did and OP said she was going to come up anyway because she was going to be in the are or didn't mind the ride. ALso it's not like this is a once in a life time trip for OP. She apparently does it frequently. It's an hour drive, and we also don't know what's going on with the friend's family that they may want some private time apart from OP. Bottom line you are not entitled to spend time in someone eles's home.

She made I think clear she was invited. And like the above PP said, unless the friend lives in a van with limited physical space, she should not have been asked to leave early because someone else was coming over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can be hurt , but that doesn't mean her reasons are valid.

Just because a child may want someone at the birthday party doesn't mean, the parent has to allow it. Kids do not always know what is best for them.
It's also completely fine for the friend to want to spend time with her parents alone without OP.
I am also not going to rule the friend to be a user. I think she may have genuinely valued OP's friendship at the time for herself and her kids, people generally don't make someone a godparent for some reason. She now wants to back off from that relationship. Just going by what OP has shared here I think it's because she find OP intrusive, perhaps her kids behave differently when OP is around perhaps OP crossed the line when it comes to parenting decisions etc. and she's trying to establish some firmer boundaries with OP.

As for OP herself who says her kids are in college I think she's avoiding dealing with her own feelings of sadness and having an empty nest by perhaps coming too involved and invested in her friend's life.

In either case it's time to step back. If the kids call, take their calls. It's fine to send cads for birthdays or make calls etc. But don't expect to be invited to functions or invite yourself over for functions anymore.

I disagree completely with the “asked to leave early” part. You don’t invite someone - anyone - down after an hour and a half drive and then ask them to leave earlier than scheduled for any non emergency reason. That’s just rude.

Was OP invited or did she just come? Seeing how OP refuses to accept any other side of things than her own, I can see how her friend may have had a difficult time telling her not to come up as she was expecting a visit. OR she did and OP said she was going to come up anyway because she was going to be in the are or didn't mind the ride. ALso it's not like this is a once in a life time trip for OP. She apparently does it frequently. It's an hour drive, and we also don't know what's going on with the friend's family that they may want some private time apart from OP. Bottom line you are not entitled to spend time in someone eles's home.

She made I think clear she was invited. And like the above PP said, unless the friend lives in a van with limited physical space, she should not have been asked to leave early because someone else was coming over.

Early is relative. It's possible she was invited for lunch and was lingering close to dinner. I wouldn't ask anyone to leave, but I don't trust op to recognize the social cues that indicate it's time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to remember, OP, that this area is VERY uptight and exclusionary. And this forum in particular is “if you are hurt - it’s your fault”.

That said, you’re probably from a “big table” family like me. My kids have family and friend inclusive birthday parties where all who love them and their friends are invited. No separate parties - that’s ridiculous. If my son had a problem at his 13th birthday party with his gay uncle playing laser tag with he and his friends, he certainly never said anything (nor would I care if he did) and told me how much he loved his party. This is his family. These are the adults who love him (grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends, former babysitters). We don’t compartmentalize.

And you don’t kick someone out because someone else is coming over. I’m assuming you don’t live in a van with limited physical space.

But read the comments here. Not everyone is like us. This town and certainly the suburbs are filled with anxious, insecure people (which is what your friend sounds like). Pity them and live your life inclusively!

THIS!! OMG, ALL OF THIS!


I have lived all over the world and have never seen the weird compartmentalizing of people the way they do here. It’s sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to remember, OP, that this area is VERY uptight and exclusionary. And this forum in particular is “if you are hurt - it’s your fault”.

That said, you’re probably from a “big table” family like me. My kids have family and friend inclusive birthday parties where all who love them and their friends are invited. No separate parties - that’s ridiculous. If my son had a problem at his 13th birthday party with his gay uncle playing laser tag with he and his friends, he certainly never said anything (nor would I care if he did) and told me how much he loved his party. This is his family. These are the adults who love him (grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends, former babysitters). We don’t compartmentalize.

And you don’t kick someone out because someone else is coming over. I’m assuming you don’t live in a van with limited physical space.

But read the comments here. Not everyone is like us. This town and certainly the suburbs are filled with anxious, insecure people (which is what your friend sounds like). Pity them and live your life inclusively!

THIS!! OMG, ALL OF THIS!


I have lived all over the world and have never seen the weird compartmentalizing of people the way they do here. It’s sick.

They love 1.5 hours away. If they were in the DC area, they aren't any more.

[Anonymous]

Live*