How do I gently pull away from a friend who keeps hurting me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to remember, OP, that this area is VERY uptight and exclusionary. And this forum in particular is “if you are hurt - it’s your fault”.

That said, you’re probably from a “big table” family like me. My kids have family and friend inclusive birthday parties where all who love them and their friends are invited. No separate parties - that’s ridiculous. If my son had a problem at his 13th birthday party with his gay uncle playing laser tag with he and his friends, he certainly never said anything (nor would I care if he did) and told me how much he loved his party. This is his family. These are the adults who love him (grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends, former babysitters). We don’t compartmentalize.

And you don’t kick someone out because someone else is coming over. I’m assuming you don’t live in a van with limited physical space.

But read the comments here. Not everyone is like us. This town and certainly the suburbs are filled with anxious, insecure people (which is what your friend sounds like). Pity them and live your life inclusively!

THIS!! OMG, ALL OF THIS!


I have lived all over the world and have never seen the weird compartmentalizing of people the way they do here. It’s sick.

They love 1.5 hours away. If they were in the DC area, they aren't any more.

Yeah, cause a minor geographic changes everything. And a 1.5 hour drive in DC could be 25 miles - well within DC suburbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can be hurt , but that doesn't mean her reasons are valid.

Just because a child may want someone at the birthday party doesn't mean, the parent has to allow it. Kids do not always know what is best for them.
It's also completely fine for the friend to want to spend time with her parents alone without OP.
I am also not going to rule the friend to be a user. I think she may have genuinely valued OP's friendship at the time for herself and her kids, people generally don't make someone a godparent for some reason. She now wants to back off from that relationship. Just going by what OP has shared here I think it's because she find OP intrusive, perhaps her kids behave differently when OP is around perhaps OP crossed the line when it comes to parenting decisions etc. and she's trying to establish some firmer boundaries with OP.

As for OP herself who says her kids are in college I think she's avoiding dealing with her own feelings of sadness and having an empty nest by perhaps coming too involved and invested in her friend's life.

In either case it's time to step back. If the kids call, take their calls. It's fine to send cads for birthdays or make calls etc. But don't expect to be invited to functions or invite yourself over for functions anymore.

I disagree completely with the “asked to leave early” part. You don’t invite someone - anyone - down after an hour and a half drive and then ask them to leave earlier than scheduled for any non emergency reason. That’s just rude.

Was OP invited or did she just come? Seeing how OP refuses to accept any other side of things than her own, I can see how her friend may have had a difficult time telling her not to come up as she was expecting a visit. OR she did and OP said she was going to come up anyway because she was going to be in the are or didn't mind the ride. ALso it's not like this is a once in a life time trip for OP. She apparently does it frequently. It's an hour drive, and we also don't know what's going on with the friend's family that they may want some private time apart from OP. Bottom line you are not entitled to spend time in someone eles's home.

She made I think clear she was invited. And like the above PP said, unless the friend lives in a van with limited physical space, she should not have been asked to leave early because someone else was coming over.

Early is relative. It's possible she was invited for lunch and was lingering close to dinner. I wouldn't ask anyone to leave, but I don't trust op to recognize the social cues that indicate it's time to move on.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ask the child if she wanted you there? If so, the kid is of course going to answer yes to you to be polite.

I'm curious about this too. I really think the issue is that OP has poor boundaries when it comes to the kids makes things more difficult for the mom and this she's trying to slowly phase her out

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are trying to fill a void in your life with this woman's family. What was the nature of your relationship when you were made godparent? How do you know this woman originally? What is your age difference? Did you think that in exchange for doing all of these favors for her (solicited? unsolicited?) years ago that you would be cemented in her life? Have you felt this unbalanced in relationships before? Does she have a partner? Did she have one before? DO you have a partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are trying to fill a void in your life with this woman's family. What was the nature of your relationship when you were made godparent? How do you know this woman originally? What is your age difference? Did you think that in exchange for doing all of these favors for her (solicited? unsolicited?) years ago that you would be cemented in her life? Have you felt this unbalanced in relationships before? Does she have a partner? Did she have one before? DO you have a partner?

I think you're spot on with op trying to fill a void

[Anonymous]

If you were invited for lunch or coffee and didn’t take the hint that you should LEAVE ALREADY, yes I’d use ILs coming over as an excuse to get you out the door.

You are socially clueless, and it shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

I think it's very strange that you feel you should be #2 or 3 in her life. Possibly above her own family members or partner.

That's an odd level of entitlement and I say that as someone who is a godparent who has done a lot for those kids

I agree with those who say you are filling a void , perhaps you miss your own college aged child and are struggling with your new position as an empty nester ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to remember, OP, that this area is VERY uptight and exclusionary. And this forum in particular is “if you are hurt - it’s your fault”.

That said, you’re probably from a “big table” family like me. My kids have family and friend inclusive birthday parties where all who love them and their friends are invited. No separate parties - that’s ridiculous. If my son had a problem at his 13th birthday party with his gay uncle playing laser tag with he and his friends, he certainly never said anything (nor would I care if he did) and told me how much he loved his party. This is his family. These are the adults who love him (grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends, former babysitters). We don’t compartmentalize.

And you don’t kick someone out because someone else is coming over. I’m assuming you don’t live in a van with limited physical space.

But read the comments here. Not everyone is like us. This town and certainly the suburbs are filled with anxious, insecure people (which is what your friend sounds like). Pity them and live your life inclusively!

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

I think it's very strange that you feel you should be #2 or 3 in her life. Possibly above her own family members or partner.

That's an odd level of entitlement and I say that as someone who is a godparent who has done a lot for those kids

I agree with those who say you are filling a void , perhaps you miss your own college aged child and are struggling with your new position as an empty nester ?

I bet OP was #1 when she was providing free babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

I think it's very strange that you feel you should be #2 or 3 in her life. Possibly above her own family members or partner.

That's an odd level of entitlement and I say that as someone who is a godparent who has done a lot for those kids

I agree with those who say you are filling a void , perhaps you miss your own college aged child and are struggling with your new position as an empty nester ?

I bet OP was #1 when she was providing free babysitting.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

I think it's very strange that you feel you should be #2 or 3 in her life. Possibly above her own family members or partner.

That's an odd level of entitlement and I say that as someone who is a godparent who has done a lot for those kids

I agree with those who say you are filling a void , perhaps you miss your own college aged child and are struggling with your new position as an empty nester ?

I bet OP was #1 when she was providing free babysitting.

+1.

You havw no idea if that is true or not,, regardless it is still an inappropriate expectation for OP to have.

[Anonymous]

The amount of babysitting op provided was really too much. Op, did she ask you to do these things regularly?!