How do I gently pull away from a friend who keeps hurting me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post seems really emotionally stunted or immature OP. You basically want to cut off a friend because she has chosen other women to be her best friends instead of you?

You're not her bestie. That's it. You are just a friend. Not every friend is a best friend.

No, I completely accept that I’m it her “bestie” and do not want to be. I just don’t want to be the last considered or taken advantage of. And I have not intention of cutting her off completely as I made clear.

What is there to do, op? Just stop contacting her and relying on her for a social life. If she contacts you respond with minimally or extensively, depending on what you want in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

These are generalities. That's a good start, but it doesn't help for the details of planning.

What does "second or third in her life" mean? Talking 2-3 times a week? Texting good morning daily, but not talking on the phone? Getting together a couple of weekends a month? How much interaction, and on what media, would be a good relationship for you?

What does "more important" look like? Her asking you how your day is going at least as often as you ask about her? Her volunteering to help you in person with things, or is the phone enough?

Two examples of how I’d like to be more important:

When I drive up there (after being invited) to spend time with the kids, I don’t want to be asked to leave early because her parents are coming over (her parents live two minutes away).

I was hurt by not being invited to my Godchild’s friends birthday party. My Godchild wanted me there and I’ve always gone to her parties in the past (she’s 8).


And to the very insightful PP, I’m not in therapy but my underlying fear is that I’m only worth consideration when I’m of use or that I’m somehow embarrassing. Those are my issues.

[Anonymous]

Why would you be invited to a children's bday party?! That is just weird, op.

I think you're clingy. If you pull away, your friend will be fine with it.

[Anonymous]

And yes, maybe this friend isn't really into you, but found your friendship used when she needed help with kids. Now why do you want to continue in this friendship? Why do you continue to seek a stronger relationship with this person who clearly doesn't value you? Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post seems really emotionally stunted or immature OP. You basically want to cut off a friend because she has chosen other women to be her best friends instead of you?

You're not her bestie. That's it. You are just a friend. Not every friend is a best friend.

No, I completely accept that I’m it her “bestie” and do not want to be. I just don’t want to be the last considered or taken advantage of. And I have not intention of cutting her off completely as I made clear.

What is there to do, op? Just stop contacting her and relying on her for a social life. If she contacts you respond with minimally or extensively, depending on what you want in the moment.

I absolutely do not depend on her for my social life and never have!! I don’t ever call her - her kids call me and then she and I talk or when I visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yes, maybe this friend isn't really into you, but found your friendship used when she needed help with kids. Now why do you want to continue in this friendship? Why do you continue to seek a stronger relationship with this person who clearly doesn't value you? Move on.

I love her children.

I simply want to not be hurt by her.

[Anonymous]

You're only hurt by her because your expectations are unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. Do you actually want to pull away because your posts make it sound like you want her to pay more attention to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you be invited to a children's bday party?! That is just weird, op.

I think you're clingy. If you pull away, your friend will be fine with it.

Why? Because the OP has always been invited in the past and the kid wanted her to come! Seriously, dude, that’s not hard to figure out and is hurtful when her primary relationship seems to be with the kids.

And please stop with the insults. It’s not what we do here. Help or move on.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do anything for her anymore. Recognize that your “friend” is a user. It reflects her character, not yours. To ask you to leave early after inviting you - that’s not a friend I’d want to spend time with.

Only go to events for the kids, but have zero expectations. Quite frankly, I would let go entirely. This relationship will continue to cause you pain, unless you fully accept that she is not a real friend. Again, that has nothing to do with your value. She’s thoughtless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you be invited to a children's bday party?! That is just weird, op.

I think you're clingy. If you pull away, your friend will be fine with it.

Why? Because the OP has always been invited in the past and the kid wanted her to come! Seriously, dude, that’s not hard to figure out and is hurtful when her primary relationship seems to be with the kids.

And please stop with the insults. It’s not what we do here. Help or move on.

Any 8yp's friend bday?! Not a family bday where there are lots of other adults, but a bday with just other children. What grown woman wod expect to be invited to that?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

These are generalities. That's a good start, but it doesn't help for the details of planning.

What does "second or third in her life" mean? Talking 2-3 times a week? Texting good morning daily, but not talking on the phone? Getting together a couple of weekends a month? How much interaction, and on what media, would be a good relationship for you?

What does "more important" look like? Her asking you how your day is going at least as often as you ask about her? Her volunteering to help you in person with things, or is the phone enough?

Two examples of how I’d like to be more important:

When I drive up there (after being invited) to spend time with the kids, I don’t want to be asked to leave early because her parents are coming over (her parents live two minutes away).

I was hurt by not being invited to my Godchild’s friends birthday party. My Godchild wanted me there and I’ve always gone to her parties in the past (she’s 8).


And to the very insightful PP, I’m not in therapy but my underlying fear is that I’m only worth consideration when I’m of use or that I’m somehow embarrassing. Those are my issues.

It makes sense you'd want to stay when her parents came over, and it's hard to understand why you expect to be invited to your godchild's friend's birthday party - shouldn't that invite come from the parent of that child? Also, what makes you think she's embarrassed by you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're only hurt by her because your expectations are unreasonable.

You want to be invited to your godchilds FRIENDS birthday party??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post seems really emotionally stunted or immature OP. You basically want to cut off a friend because she has chosen other women to be her best friends instead of you?

You're not her bestie. That's it. You are just a friend. Not every friend is a best friend.

No, I completely accept that I’m it her “bestie” and do not want to be. I just don’t want to be the last considered or taken advantage of. And I have not intention of cutting her off completely as I made clear.

What is there to do, op? Just stop contacting her and relying on her for a social life. If she contacts you respond with minimally or extensively, depending on what you want in the moment.

I absolutely do not depend on her for my social life and never have!! I don’t ever call her - her kids call me and then she and I talk or when I visit.

So wait, are you actually friends with her?? Have you let your friendship with her go in favor of your connection to her kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. Do you actually want to pull away because your posts make it sound like you want her to pay more attention to you?

I’m hearing consideration and not attention. OP is asking how not to be hurt with things as they are.

OP, you have to stop expecting anything from this woman and accept her where she is. I’m helped by setting firm boundaries for myself with people like that. You made the decision not to cut the entire family off, which is good. Internally cut her off however. She can’t hurt you if you don’t let her.