How do I gently pull away from a friend who keeps hurting me?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been very honest with her and tell her when she hurts me but she has an excuse and just does it again. I always come in third and fourth with her. I’m very close to her kids (am Godmother to one of them) but just can’t keep getting excluded and hurt by her. I will not cut her out completely because of the kids.

Thank you for any suggestions on how I can stop being hurt by her.

[Anonymous]

If you pull away (as you should), she may cut off contact with the kids. Just be prepared.

[Anonymous]

What do you want your relationship with her to look like after you pull away?

[Anonymous]

Can you give us an example of what she does?

[Anonymous]

If a relationship is unhealthy, you are wrong to model that such behavior is acceptable. Your kids have other friends, yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want your relationship with her to look like after you pull away?

This is the key question.

[Anonymous]

I think the key is to set boundaries for yourself that you are happy with and that enable you to get what you need. You can't control what she does, but you can control your own choices and actions.

It's hard without more detail, but when I was in a similar situation, I started saying no to spending time with the friend one on one, or even in groups or settings where I knew she had a history of treating me poorly (in my case, she seemed to take more pleasure in saying and doing hurtful things around certain people -- I think she was acting out jealousy over my relationship with them or believed she was in competition with me for certain kinds of attention).

If you want to maintain the relationship with her kids, maybe commit to yourself that you will continue to spend time with her family and do kid-centric activities, especially things like attending their performances and celebrations, or treating them for birthdays or other things -- stuff that contributes to your relationship with them. You may need to decide for yourself that if she behaves hurtfully towards you on these occasions, you will find a way to ignore or deflect it. You may also want to check in with yourself about what level of hurtful behavior is okay.

I highly recommend talking about this with a therapist if you have a history of struggling to set boundaries. It was a friendship like this that forced me to come to terms with my more general problems with setting boundaries. The underlying factor was my need to be liked and my fear that if I didn't accommodate others (by letting them treat me however they wanted) they would stop liking me and that would be the verdict on me. It took time and therapy to get to the point where I could not only set and hold boundaries, but could understand that if my boundaries bothered others or made them dislike me, that was not evidence that I was a bad person. It was their limitation, not mine.

GL.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is to set boundaries for yourself that you are happy with and that enable you to get what you need. You can't control what she does, but you can control your own choices and actions.

It's hard without more detail, but when I was in a similar situation, I started saying no to spending time with the friend one on one, or even in groups or settings where I knew she had a history of treating me poorly (in my case, she seemed to take more pleasure in saying and doing hurtful things around certain people -- I think she was acting out jealousy over my relationship with them or believed she was in competition with me for certain kinds of attention).

If you want to maintain the relationship with her kids, maybe commit to yourself that you will continue to spend time with her family and do kid-centric activities, especially things like attending their performances and celebrations, or treating them for birthdays or other things -- stuff that contributes to your relationship with them. You may need to decide for yourself that if she behaves hurtfully towards you on these occasions, you will find a way to ignore or deflect it. You may also want to check in with yourself about what level of hurtful behavior is okay.

I highly recommend talking about this with a therapist if you have a history of struggling to set boundaries. It was a friendship like this that forced me to come to terms with my more general problems with setting boundaries. The underlying factor was my need to be liked and my fear that if I didn't accommodate others (by letting them treat me however they wanted) they would stop liking me and that would be the verdict on me. It took time and therapy to get to the point where I could not only set and hold boundaries, but could understand that if my boundaries bothered others or made them dislike me, that was not evidence that I was a bad person. It was their limitation, not mine.

GL.

NP but amazing self-awareness and insight. Very helpful perspective.

[Anonymous]

This post seems really emotionally stunted or immature OP. You basically want to cut off a friend because she has chosen other women to be her best friends instead of you?

You're not her bestie. That's it. You are just a friend. Not every friend is a best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

OP, what can she do/say to make you feel like a priority? Is it accurate to say you feel like she used/uses you?

[Anonymous]

Tell us what “excluding” means. If you cling to her skirts socially and don’t get that not everyone gets invited to everything, there’s no help we can offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

You are an odd duck. Who on Earth measures or counts their tiered importance to someone else in such a concrete way. You sound like quite the clinger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Answers:

I’m the one close to my friend’s children. My own child is in college.

I would like to be considered second or third in her life - I know I’m not family but I have done a lot for her and for her children (babysat for free for four years, took off work when she couldn’t to take older child to practice once a week or he couldn’t play ball on weekend, drive 1.5 hours to see them each way to see them since they moved last year).

I’d like to be more important to her now that I’m not babysitting or of use to her. I know she cares about me but I just seem a priority anymore. And it hurts.

These are generalities. That's a good start, but it doesn't help for the details of planning.

What does "second or third in her life" mean? Talking 2-3 times a week? Texting good morning daily, but not talking on the phone? Getting together a couple of weekends a month? How much interaction, and on what media, would be a good relationship for you?

What does "more important" look like? Her asking you how your day is going at least as often as you ask about her? Her volunteering to help you in person with things, or is the phone enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post seems really emotionally stunted or immature OP. You basically want to cut off a friend because she has chosen other women to be her best friends instead of you?

You're not her bestie. That's it. You are just a friend. Not every friend is a best friend.

No, I completely accept that I’m it her “bestie” and do not want to be. I just don’t want to be the last considered or taken advantage of. And I have not intention of cutting her off completely as I made clear.