“I took time out of my busy day to help YOU out”

[Anonymous]

Who is that hilarious person who thinks your credit card company or your health insurance will call and find you a testing appointment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you only recently went back to work, this is a new division of labor. I think you should talk it over when you are less mad.

We have 2 kids at 2 schools. We each are listed first for 1 kid. We each read emails and do forms for 1 school.

I think this is key. I’ve been in your shoes, OP, going back to work after being a SAHM with a spouse in a demanding profession. After a couple of months we realized we had underestimated the impact it would have on both of our work lives, and how much flexibility we would each have to juggle everything. We worked it out, but it took some serious discussions where we both had to lay down our own needs and interests for a bit and really listen to what the other person needs.

You are recently back to work, re-establishing yourself not only in a new job but as a professional generally. Fair or not, your employer likely is scrutinizing your attendance, productivity and responsiveness even more than usual for a new employee given the gap in your resume, so you need to be that much more on the ball right now to prove yourself. You need him to take on more of these disruptions so you can do that.

Your husband works a demanding job where everyone around him has become accustomed to him being fully present and available all the time, with no unexpected interruptions from home. Heck, perhaps he wouldn’t have gotten to his current position at all if he’d had to juggle work and home life all those years. If he suddenly starts calling out a lot, people are going to wonder if he’s slipping and perhaps not up to the job anymore. You’re working now but he’s still the primary breadwinner and may be concerned about your financial stability if he were to lose his job because his employer and/or clients lose confidence in him, so he needs to maintain a steady presence at work. He needs you to take on more of these disruptions so he can do that.

You both have competing needs that have to be reconciled in a way that works for both of you. One of you may have to compromise more than the other, you may need to find outside help with stuff, you (and by you I mean both of you) may need to adjust your expectations for how your home life functions, I don’t know what the answer is because it’s particular to your situation. But bickering over who should have to bear the burden of your child is not a healthy way to do it.

This is an opportunity if you want it to be. This kind of thing will happen again, so this is a good opening to talk to your husband about the realities of these kinds of events and how you can/will share effort going forward.

Good post. OP, everything depends on your specific situation, but it's time for you and your husband to lay out the facts for your options. Do you need the income from his job? Do you need the income from your job? What supports do you need in place if you both work? Lots of other questions but the point is to figure out what it really means for both of you to work and who's responsible for what in daily life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he know you were also continuing to search for appointments at the same time? If not, I can understand his annoyance that he took two hours out of his day to find an appointment without being told you were duplicating his efforts and it would be a waste of his time.

I think he's being a bit of a baby. This is an all hands on deck type of moment - who cares if efforts are being duplicated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

. I was thinking if he finds an affair partner/future stepmom, wouldn't he hit the ground running in terms of splitting childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

. I was thinking if he finds an affair partner/future stepmom, wouldn't he hit the ground running in terms of splitting childcare?

You mean, he is staying with the wife only because she is providing the childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

. I was thinking if he finds an affair partner/future stepmom, wouldn't he hit the ground running in terms of splitting childcare?

That’s a temporary fix though. Eventually the new girlfriend will want her own baby and then he’ll back to square one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

. I was thinking if he finds an affair partner/future stepmom, wouldn't he hit the ground running in terms of splitting childcare?

Most narc workaholics think they can just throw money at sitters and nannies and screen time for their 50%. Good luck with the kids for that grand experiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

. I was thinking if he finds an affair partner/future stepmom, wouldn't he hit the ground running in terms of splitting childcare?

You mean, he is staying with the wife only because she is providing the childcare?

Yes

Np. He’s probably also convinced himself she loves his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

. I was thinking if he finds an affair partner/future stepmom, wouldn't he hit the ground running in terms of splitting childcare?

Most narc workaholics think they can just throw money at sitters and nannies and screen time for their 50%. Good luck with the kids for that grand experiment.

Most men shirking their responsibilities at home are not narc workaholics, they are just clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder if kids and working moms are doable. Seems like the husbands just don't get it.

I worked for 20 years. Had our child at 40 and stopped working. Being a SAHM is really hard!

No easy answers.

It is doable. I have 3 children, two oldest are already in college. I always worked. I bring in a good income too, as much or more than my husband.

But, from the very beginning, something like this - "helping me out" - would be a grave offense. Imagine you found out your husband is sleeping with a co-worker from time to time, what would you say? This is what I would say for "helping out". Initially, my husband was shocked, he grew up with a SAHM. I told him that if he is not stepping up, I am leaving and insisting on 50/50 custody. And I mean 50/50, for his 50, he'll be on his own 100%. And this will be the end of his career, because it involves working evenings and weekends; he'll have to find something less exciting. So, as I showed him, he does not really have a choice of whether he is raising his kid, the only choice is whether he does it with me or on his own.

When the online learning started for school and all the activities, my husband signed up for all the online accounts, installed whatever was needed on HIS devices, etc. I do not get any school communications. The kid knows - any issue with school, choir, etc, go ask your father. I have enough managing the household stuff.

So, "doable" but thoroughly unpleasant.

. I was thinking if he finds an affair partner/future stepmom, wouldn't he hit the ground running in terms of splitting childcare?

You mean, he is staying with the wife only because she is providing the childcare?

Yes

Np. He’s probably also convinced himself she loves his money.

In case of the couple above, they are equal earners, he loves her money as much as she likes his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is that hilarious person who thinks your credit card company or your health insurance will call and find you a testing appointment?

Prob my husband. He speed dials everyone and demands an answer to his basic question. And don’t tell him to read his emails, the answer is in five of them; he be too important to do that. Tell him, upon demand! He’s terrible with customer service too, their heads are spinning after his calls when he broke the appliance but blames them and demands they replace it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he know you were also continuing to search for appointments at the same time? If not, I can understand his annoyance that he took two hours out of his day to find an appointment without being told you were duplicating his efforts and it would be a waste of his time.

My DH also would get mad about the duplication of effort

And mine would be so thrilled we got the appointment and the one he found wasn’t needed.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live that it takes 2 hours to find a test? Are you local?

In Arlington:
Curative (FREE)
Sameday testing (not free but easy)
APS school sites (you don't need to be an APS student)

Book mark the free sites near you so that you are prepared next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The school needs to be admonished for only calling Moms.

The school calls the primary emergency contact.v You don't want it to be you, don't put your name down.

We switched to dad as primary this year. It’s been brilliant. I field so many other things and he is currently WFH. I was first contact for years as his work was very travel heavy. It’s been a relief to have more balance.