Explain this behavior: Grown adults letting MIL call the shots

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't do anything that dries up the gravy train trust fund.

This is the truth for most people I know still doing whatever MILs/FILs or Mothers/Fathers tell them to do. there are MANY MANY grown ass adults who are finiacially dependent - in some way or another - on their parent's generation.

Not for me, rather take the financial hit than be beholden to some crazy old lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't do anything that dries up the gravy train trust fund.

This is the truth for most people I know still doing whatever MILs/FILs or Mothers/Fathers tell them to do. there are MANY MANY grown ass adults who are finiacially dependent - in some way or another - on their parent's generation.

Not for me, rather take the financial hit than be beholden to some crazy old lady.

How much are you willing to give up?

[Anonymous]

I think it is worth mentioning in this thread that DCUM is a multicultural community and we all have different baggage to deal with when it comes to family expectations, drawing boundaries and behavior patterns learned over generations.

You may come from a culture or family tradition where people are very good at drawing boundaries, but others may be struggling perhaps in part to balance the demands of a traditional cultural background while living in a modern fast paced life where the focus is on the individual. They may benefit from a different approach, which someone else on DCUM might be able to offer.

Congratulations if you have figured things out for yourself OP. Be kind to those who are on their own journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not MIL problems, they are husband problems.

+1000

But never never never wife problems?

Most of posters here are women so of course its not a DW problem.. their DH's MILs are perfect and can say or do no wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do YOU care so much, OP? Get over it. Get over yourself. Get over the fact that people say things you don't like or with which you disagree. You just aren't that special and your constant harping about MILs is disturbing. You need to grow up.

Sigh, you again. We would all be so much happier if we were doormats to your constant demands and insults.

Nah. Not going along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

This is the smartest thing I have ever seen on this site. I wish I knew how to deal with the manipulation without losing my cool. I have just stopped picking up my phone and stopped reading text messages.

Same. I became aware of this dynamic through therapy and self-reflection several years ago, but still struggle with it. When people become pushy or demanding with me, it just flips a switch in me and I immediately start trying to please them. I think I was trained at such a young age that it’s just really, really hard to break that habit.

Right now the best I can do is try to avoid these people altogether. But this is hard. Sometimes I feel like they smell me coming and seek me out.

You two falsely equate being “nice,” “good” and “giving” with being pushovers/doormats/compliant.

It’s entirely possible to be kind, generous, patient, a team player, thoughtful, etc., without rolling over and allowing people to walk all over you.

Being weak and subservient isn’t being “nice.” It’s being weak and subservient.

and sets a very bad example for your children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom and MIL had a lot in common in that they were both very domineering and growing up it was just easier to do what they wanted rather than risk an angry or explosive confrontation. The problem with that is, your learned behavior is to give in to everyone, never raise an issue or learn how to stand up for yourself with anyone.

A MIL adds an extra twist as you start off wanting a good relationship, so you go along with things. Then it becomes more and more of an issue through the years, but, once again, that pattern has now been established.

And it's a very hard pattern to break. I've been better at than DH but it's still an issue at times. I realize that he's in the position of ticking off his mom or aggravating me. Since I grew up the same way and understand how hard it is to change a lifetime behavior, I'm ok with us taking it slowly, and we are (slowly- ha) getting there

This is very much like my MIL, to the point SO just freezes. MIL explodes, screams and goes on an absolute rampage. I'm the only one who ever stands up to her. We're working on moving further away but regardless I will glad when she is no longer around.

It is the largest thorn in our marriage and the cowardice is a huge turn off. I can't trust him to defend me when it matters because he is more afraid of her than anything else.

I would not care what so does or wants. I would leave or make anyone leave who screams and rampages. Done. I would immediately leave or insist that person leave. If it's a phone call, hang up. So can choose what she/he want to do. Do not tolerate the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom and MIL had a lot in common in that they were both very domineering and growing up it was just easier to do what they wanted rather than risk an angry or explosive confrontation. The problem with that is, your learned behavior is to give in to everyone, never raise an issue or learn how to stand up for yourself with anyone.

A MIL adds an extra twist as you start off wanting a good relationship, so you go along with things. Then it becomes more and more of an issue through the years, but, once again, that pattern has now been established.

And it's a very hard pattern to break. I've been better at than DH but it's still an issue at times. I realize that he's in the position of ticking off his mom or aggravating me. Since I grew up the same way and understand how hard it is to change a lifetime behavior, I'm ok with us taking it slowly, and we are (slowly- ha) getting there

This is very much like my MIL, to the point SO just freezes. MIL explodes, screams and goes on an absolute rampage. I'm the only one who ever stands up to her. We're working on moving further away but regardless I will glad when she is no longer around.

It is the largest thorn in our marriage and the cowardice is a huge turn off. I can't trust him to defend me when it matters because he is more afraid of her than anything else.

I would not care what so does or wants. I would leave or make anyone leave who screams and rampages. Done. I would immediately leave or insist that person leave. If it's a phone call, hang up. So can choose what she/he want to do. Do not tolerate the behavior.

Does anyone have an alternative to this extreme approach? I see these suggestions a lot on this site and is not one that I can foresee having a good outcome in an Asian family like mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Well said! I am the OP of the DH wants to host rude relatives thread.

Takers *depend* on givers, and a known giver is "money in the bank" to a taker. So, the taker tries to wear the giver down. Depending on the history between the two, it might not take much - and that is what the takers depend on.

It is exhausting to see it in action, and so predictable. The takers resort to anything, it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

This is the smartest thing I have ever seen on this site. I wish I knew how to deal with the manipulation without losing my cool. I have just stopped picking up my phone and stopped reading text messages.

Same. I became aware of this dynamic through therapy and self-reflection several years ago, but still struggle with it. When people become pushy or demanding with me, it just flips a switch in me and I immediately start trying to please them. I think I was trained at such a young age that it’s just really, really hard to break that habit.

Right now the best I can do is try to avoid these people altogether. But this is hard. Sometimes I feel like they smell me coming and seek me out.

You two falsely equate being “nice,” “good” and “giving” with being pushovers/doormats/compliant.

It’s entirely possible to be kind, generous, patient, a team player, thoughtful, etc., without rolling over and allowing people to walk all over you.

Being weak and subservient isn’t being “nice.” It’s being weak and subservient.

and sets a very bad example for your children

+1

DP here. Especially when One spouse has to stick up for the entire nuclear family (!!) to the other spouse, who is accustomed to being controlled by insane, dismissive MIL.

When DH wants something, it is a non discussion and immediately off the table; ,when MIL wants something, it is the "most important thing in the world", and the earth practically stops until she gets what she wants.

Vomit-worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do YOU care so much, OP? Get over it. Get over yourself. Get over the fact that people say things you don't like or with which you disagree. You just aren't that special and your constant harping about MILs is disturbing. You need to grow up.

Sigh, you again. We would all be so much happier if we were doormats to your constant demands and insults.

Nah. Not going along with it.

Are you drunk? What are you talking about? You aren't even speaking to anything in her post. Go sleep it off, drunk mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because their spouses can't/won't deal with their own parents.

+1. It’s not that their MIL is calling the shots, the spouse who can’t say no to their parent is.

I have to say, I find the narrative that only a biological child can say no to his or her parents to be absurd. I am perfectly fine pushing back against my ILs if need be, and my wife will do the same to my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Well said! I am the OP of the DH wants to host rude relatives thread.

Takers *depend* on givers, and a known giver is "money in the bank" to a taker. So, the taker tries to wear the giver down. Depending on the history between the two, it might not take much - and that is what the takers depend on.

It is exhausting to see it in action, and so predictable. The takers resort to anything, it seems.

I didn't respond on your thread but I will respond here ... My take-away from your posts is that you're very insecure. Everything has to be your way or no one can have it any other way. I don't know why you're so easily threatened; however, it saddens me that you only seem happy when you force someone else to stand down. Learn to flex a little. It won't kill you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me just say that I’m 41 and it took me years to be able to stand up to my own mother and ignore her bullsh**. I’m finally at a place where I just ignore and move on. I don’t think you can understand until you’ve had a parent like one of these.

Yep. If you don't have a family filled with bullsh*t and drama, you don't know what it's like.

My mom was actually better than the rest of her family but she never learned what boundaries are. Sometimes it's best to go along and get along so there isn't drama for the next ten years.

There’s only “drama for ten years” if you continue to allow bullies to be part of your life. I have a steamroller of a cousin that I’ve cut off completely. If we happen to be at the same wedding or whatever, I ignore her or just nod and smile. I blocked her from my phone and social media. If another cousin tries to tell me what she said about me or did or started with someone else, I simply say, “I don’t care what Jill is doing.”

If you don’t want drama, don’t allow dramatic people to be part of your life.

I did this with cousins and aunts. I did not want to basically cut off my parents, so I moved and distanced myself. We still had drama over the holidays, but that was the only time I had to deal with it and I didn't have to completely cut off my failing elderly parents.

To each their own. Sometimes it's best to put up with a little drama and inconvenience when you know they will not live forever and you can do your own thing for the rest of your life. We are talking about MIL and mother's here, not random cousins.

DP here. Since you mentioned it, the cousins on MIL's side (her nieces, nephews, whatever) are all forced relationships. On my side, I grew up with my cousins, went to school with them, hung out regularly with them, saw them every week on top of school. I swear DH and MIL are actually jealous of that, because they try to dismiss it - since they had no relationships on their side, growing up. So many effed up aspects. We're supposed to fawn and be over the top about how wonderful DH's side is (thought we really don't know them, except that they are materialistic - money is super important to them - which is probably why they have no relationships!), but not see my side (who I lived with all my life). I don't think so.