Explain this behavior: Grown adults letting MIL call the shots

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP 18:06.

And another thing: I established boundaries with my MIL early, but not early enough. She is meddlesome and overbearing, a gossip and a total flake. MIL is local am fully expects that we will include her in every aspect of family life; attends every single sporting event of GC, all holidays (especially Mother’s Day), all social events even those we had hoped with be just “my” family…and she demands equal time.

We’ve been traveling g w/o her for the holidays and New Yeats but then have to scramble to see her (pre or post) holiday.

No, you don’t “have to” scramble. You choose to scramble. Own it.

PP and it gets complicated; MIL demands that if we leave on X date, we have to see her before Christmas to exchange gifts, have a meal, etc.

[Anonymous]

My husband is very conflict-avoidant and would generally do stuff he didn't want to do because his mom wanted him to. When we got together I mentioned how I didn't want to do certain things and he admitted that he didn't either and so we would decline and he would ignore any protests from his mother because he realized that it wasn't worth him being unhappy just to make his mom happy (because she was always unhappy about something anyway). I don't know why other people let in-laws or parents run roughshod all over them.

[Anonymous]

Let me just say that I’m 41 and it took me years to be able to stand up to my own mother and ignore her bullsh**. I’m finally at a place where I just ignore and move on. I don’t think you can understand until you’ve had a parent like one of these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP 18:06.

And another thing: I established boundaries with my MIL early, but not early enough. She is meddlesome and overbearing, a gossip and a total flake. MIL is local am fully expects that we will include her in every aspect of family life; attends every single sporting event of GC, all holidays (especially Mother’s Day), all social events even those we had hoped with be just “my” family…and she demands equal time.

We’ve been traveling g w/o her for the holidays and New Yeats but then have to scramble to see her (pre or post) holiday.

No, you don’t “have to” scramble. You choose to scramble. Own it.

PP and it gets complicated; MIL demands that if we leave on X date, we have to see her before Christmas to exchange gifts, have a meal, etc.

It’s not complicated that you choose to give into the demands of a manipulative and unreasonable adult. That’s not a complication; it’s a choice. You do not “have” to see her before Christmas, or do any of the above activities with her. You. Choose. To.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom and MIL had a lot in common in that they were both very domineering and growing up it was just easier to do what they wanted rather than risk an angry or explosive confrontation. The problem with that is, your learned behavior is to give in to everyone, never raise an issue or learn how to stand up for yourself with anyone.

A MIL adds an extra twist as you start off wanting a good relationship, so you go along with things. Then it becomes more and more of an issue through the years, but, once again, that pattern has now been established.

And it's a very hard pattern to break. I've been better at than DH but it's still an issue at times. I realize that he's in the position of ticking off his mom or aggravating me. Since I grew up the same way and understand how hard it is to change a lifetime behavior, I'm ok with us taking it slowly, and we are (slowly- ha) getting there

This is very much like my MIL, to the point SO just freezes. MIL explodes, screams and goes on an absolute rampage. I'm the only one who ever stands up to her. We're working on moving further away but regardless I will glad when she is no longer around.

It is the largest thorn in our marriage and the cowardice is a huge turn off. I can't trust him to defend me when it matters because he is more afraid of her than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

This is the smartest thing I have ever seen on this site. I wish I knew how to deal with the manipulation without losing my cool. I have just stopped picking up my phone and stopped reading text messages.

Yeah, it really is a great explanation. Covers all of it pretty well.

[Anonymous]

Willpower.

Some have it more than others. I know two people in my close circle who have forceful personalities and can persuade/bully others into doing a LOT of things they don't want to do. When it's a parent, and the children are bathed in it from childhood, it can be hard to re-engineer a different dynamic when they're grown up and supposedly independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me just say that I’m 41 and it took me years to be able to stand up to my own mother and ignore her bullsh**. I’m finally at a place where I just ignore and move on. I don’t think you can understand until you’ve had a parent like one of these.

Yep. If you don't have a family filled with bullsh*t and drama, you don't know what it's like.

My mom was actually better than the rest of her family but she never learned what boundaries are. Sometimes it's best to go along and get along so there isn't drama for the next ten years.

[Anonymous]

My mom- definitely a taker. Anything I offer, she wants more. She is never satisfied with a phone call length, a gift, an outing, a holiday. For about 10 years of adulthood, I twisted myself into a pretzel to try to appease her and coach her into being normal and not ruining events.

The pandemic has beaten me down so much that I no longer have the energy or desire to have much of a relationship with her anymore. I’m not angry, I’m just strangely done with the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me just say that I’m 41 and it took me years to be able to stand up to my own mother and ignore her bullsh**. I’m finally at a place where I just ignore and move on. I don’t think you can understand until you’ve had a parent like one of these.

Yep. If you don't have a family filled with bullsh*t and drama, you don't know what it's like.

My mom was actually better than the rest of her family but she never learned what boundaries are. Sometimes it's best to go along and get along so there isn't drama for the next ten years.

There’s only “drama for ten years” if you continue to allow bullies to be part of your life. I have a steamroller of a cousin that I’ve cut off completely. If we happen to be at the same wedding or whatever, I ignore her or just nod and smile. I blocked her from my phone and social media. If another cousin tries to tell me what she said about me or did or started with someone else, I simply say, “I don’t care what Jill is doing.”

If you don’t want drama, don’t allow dramatic people to be part of your life.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are not insecure douchebags that have to show who is grown up every turn they take?

[Anonymous]

All I can think of is that they’re not actually financially independent or are expecting a big windfall. I’ve been on my own financially since I was 17 and my parents would never dream of trying to control any aspect of my life. They know they don’t have a leg to stand on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me just say that I’m 41 and it took me years to be able to stand up to my own mother and ignore her bullsh**. I’m finally at a place where I just ignore and move on. I don’t think you can understand until you’ve had a parent like one of these.

Yep. If you don't have a family filled with bullsh*t and drama, you don't know what it's like.

My mom was actually better than the rest of her family but she never learned what boundaries are. Sometimes it's best to go along and get along so there isn't drama for the next ten years.

There’s only “drama for ten years” if you continue to allow bullies to be part of your life. I have a steamroller of a cousin that I’ve cut off completely. If we happen to be at the same wedding or whatever, I ignore her or just nod and smile. I blocked her from my phone and social media. If another cousin tries to tell me what she said about me or did or started with someone else, I simply say, “I don’t care what Jill is doing.”

If you don’t want drama, don’t allow dramatic people to be part of your life.

I did this with cousins and aunts. I did not want to basically cut off my parents, so I moved and distanced myself. We still had drama over the holidays, but that was the only time I had to deal with it and I didn't have to completely cut off my failing elderly parents.

To each their own. Sometimes it's best to put up with a little drama and inconvenience when you know they will not live forever and you can do your own thing for the rest of your life. We are talking about MIL and mother's here, not random cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's years and years of learned roles and family dynamics. I don't think anyone thinks it's healthy, OP, but that's why it's happening, and it takes a conscious, proactive, long term commitment to break out of hard-wired behaviors.

+1 I'm kind of jealous of OP, not that she doesn't have these issues, but that she grew up in a way that she cannot even understand them.

+2. I actually have pretty good boundaries with my parents and they are generally respectful of my family’s time and space. DH is just now learning how to say no to his mother but, prior to that, if I said even a word against what his mother wanted I was “selfish” and “hated her for no reason”. I actually do like her but his prioritizing her needs over mine did impact out relationship negatively.

+3 I agree with the PPs. It took my DH quite a while to learn that the dynamic he had with his parents wasn't healthy. Like the PP, it was 'what's wrong with you that you don't want to do this with/for my parents? They're so great and every body loves them but you."

[Anonymous]

All I can think of is that they’re not actually financially independent or are expecting a big windfall

I think this is the case in some families. Grown adults need to be ok with the risk of making Mommy & Daddy mad. It's how adults have a relationship with other adults. No one is too pushy or obnoxious or always gets their way, otherwise the other person would just walk away. In a family that may be temporary but bad behavior is judged and is called out. IF the price to pay for calling out bad behavior is literally money, an inheritance, monetary support or favors, of course the adult child has an interest in not rocking the boat.