Explain this behavior: Grown adults letting MIL call the shots

[Anonymous]

My Mom and MIL had a lot in common in that they were both very domineering and growing up it was just easier to do what they wanted rather than risk an angry or explosive confrontation. The problem with that is, your learned behavior is to give in to everyone, never raise an issue or learn how to stand up for yourself with anyone.

A MIL adds an extra twist as you start off wanting a good relationship, so you go along with things. Then it becomes more and more of an issue through the years, but, once again, that pattern has now been established.

And it's a very hard pattern to break. I've been better at than DH but it's still an issue at times. I realize that he's in the position of ticking off his mom or aggravating me. Since I grew up the same way and understand how hard it is to change a lifetime behavior, I'm ok with us taking it slowly, and we are (slowly- ha) getting there

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal and typical and appropriate to consider the feelings of others when making plans than involve them. With two sets of inlaws this can obviously become problematic but is certainly not impossible. Some give and take on all sides is needed. It's highly unusual for any couple to have been raised the same and to have very similar parents.

Good for you OP for having worked out a solution that works for you and your spouse. I'm assuming your solution also works for your spouse but I really wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

This is the smartest thing I have ever seen on this site. I wish I knew how to deal with the manipulation without losing my cool. I have just stopped picking up my phone and stopped reading text messages.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman and had this problem with my own mother. It's much easier to give in than have to fight nonstop, especially if the mom / mil is older.

[Anonymous]

I put up these boundaries when we got engaged, fiance was on board.

Yeah, ILs were not, so now we don't see them.

Some families cannot manage the 'inbetween' its all or nothing. My husband is shocked that some light boundary setting upset them so, but five years later here we are.

[Anonymous]

Why do YOU care so much, OP? Get over it. Get over yourself. Get over the fact that people say things you don't like or with which you disagree. You just aren't that special and your constant harping about MILs is disturbing. You need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this now with my MIL AND Mother.

Now, DH in response to my complaints and protestations against these women will bring up their ages, as if this excuses their increasing narcissism and demands.

Absolutely maddening! Happened yesterday when I complained that once again, my mom expected to be catered to; DH led with, “She’s 83! You have to do this for her…”

Same with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not MIL problems, they are husband problems.

+1000

But never never never wife problems?

[Anonymous]

Husbands - deal with your mothers.
Wives- deal with your mothers.

Problem solved! Early in our marriage I remember my husband saying to his mother who was complaining about my breastfeeding “Mom, stay out of this. She’s the mother and not you.”

[Anonymous]

PP 18:06.

And another thing: I established boundaries with my MIL early, but not early enough. She is meddlesome and overbearing, a gossip and a total flake. MIL is local am fully expects that we will include her in every aspect of family life; attends every single sporting event of GC, all holidays (especially Mother’s Day), all social events even those we had hoped with be just “my” family…and she demands equal time.

We’ve been traveling g w/o her for the holidays and New Yeats but then have to scramble to see her (pre or post) holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

This is the smartest thing I have ever seen on this site. I wish I knew how to deal with the manipulation without losing my cool. I have just stopped picking up my phone and stopped reading text messages.

Same. I became aware of this dynamic through therapy and self-reflection several years ago, but still struggle with it. When people become pushy or demanding with me, it just flips a switch in me and I immediately start trying to please them. I think I was trained at such a young age that it’s just really, really hard to break that habit.

Right now the best I can do is try to avoid these people altogether. But this is hard. Sometimes I feel like they smell me coming and seek me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

This is the smartest thing I have ever seen on this site. I wish I knew how to deal with the manipulation without losing my cool. I have just stopped picking up my phone and stopped reading text messages.

Same. I became aware of this dynamic through therapy and self-reflection several years ago, but still struggle with it. When people become pushy or demanding with me, it just flips a switch in me and I immediately start trying to please them. I think I was trained at such a young age that it’s just really, really hard to break that habit.

Right now the best I can do is try to avoid these people altogether. But this is hard. Sometimes I feel like they smell me coming and seek me out.

You two falsely equate being “nice,” “good” and “giving” with being pushovers/doormats/compliant.

It’s entirely possible to be kind, generous, patient, a team player, thoughtful, etc., without rolling over and allowing people to walk all over you.

Being weak and subservient isn’t being “nice.” It’s being weak and subservient.

[Anonymous]

Also dealing with this with my own local mom.

Great example: she has a childhood friend coming to stay with her. Great. No. My mom has sent out emails to my local sibling, my adult niece and me (and my teens) demanding that we clear our schedule to drive 45 minutes on a work/school night to visit with this friend none of us have ever met.

Preparing for fall out when we each decline. Histrionics will began, then guilt trips, then whining…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do YOU care so much, OP? Get over it. Get over yourself. Get over the fact that people say things you don't like or with which you disagree. You just aren't that special and your constant harping about MILs is disturbing. You need to grow up.

Did you leave the same comment on the “explain this behavior—why is my MIL like this” thread…or are you the OP of that thread. LOL.

I think you’ll find that there are a lot of “why is this” or “any insight into this” threads in the Family Relationships forum. You may want to go elsewhere. Have a great day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP 18:06.

And another thing: I established boundaries with my MIL early, but not early enough. She is meddlesome and overbearing, a gossip and a total flake. MIL is local am fully expects that we will include her in every aspect of family life; attends every single sporting event of GC, all holidays (especially Mother’s Day), all social events even those we had hoped with be just “my” family…and she demands equal time.

We’ve been traveling g w/o her for the holidays and New Yeats but then have to scramble to see her (pre or post) holiday.

No, you don’t “have to” scramble. You choose to scramble. Own it.