Explain this behavior: Grown adults letting MIL call the shots

[Anonymous]

Can you offer any insight as to why some presumably grown and sane posters on this forum say things like, "My MIL *makes us* eat tons of food at her house," or "My MIL won't *let us* stay in a hotel when we visit?"

Just curious if anyone has any explanation or insight as to why some DCUM posters willingly give their agency and power to other adults in their life, rather than...you know, making their own decisions and enforcing their own boundaries?

Thanks for any insight you may be able to offer regarding this extremely odd and nonsensical behavior.

[Anonymous]

Because their spouses can't/won't deal with their own parents.

[Anonymous]

It's years and years of learned roles and family dynamics. I don't think anyone thinks it's healthy, OP, but that's why it's happening, and it takes a conscious, proactive, long term commitment to break out of hard-wired behaviors.

[Anonymous]

These are not MIL problems, they are husband problems.

[Anonymous]

Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's years and years of learned roles and family dynamics. I don't think anyone thinks it's healthy, OP, but that's why it's happening, and it takes a conscious, proactive, long term commitment to break out of hard-wired behaviors.

+1 I'm kind of jealous of OP, not that she doesn't have these issues, but that she grew up in a way that she cannot even understand them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because their spouses can't/won't deal with their own parents.

+1. It’s not that their MIL is calling the shots, the spouse who can’t say no to their parent is.

[Anonymous]

Can't do anything that dries up the gravy train trust fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's years and years of learned roles and family dynamics. I don't think anyone thinks it's healthy, OP, but that's why it's happening, and it takes a conscious, proactive, long term commitment to break out of hard-wired behaviors.

+1 I'm kind of jealous of OP, not that she doesn't have these issues, but that she grew up in a way that she cannot even understand them.

+2. I actually have pretty good boundaries with my parents and they are generally respectful of my family’s time and space. DH is just now learning how to say no to his mother but, prior to that, if I said even a word against what his mother wanted I was “selfish” and “hated her for no reason”. I actually do like her but his prioritizing her needs over mine did impact out relationship negatively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't do anything that dries up the gravy train trust fund.

In some cases. My DHs mother is very poor but he can not say no to her. I wish we were at least being financially rewarded because it’s expensive and exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I think significant part of it is people being competitive and obsessed with being the most popular, the best liked etc.

Instead of doing what works for them and dealing with MIL not liking it or complaining about it, they suck it up in front of MIL, make themselves and their families jump through the hoops, all in order to fit some unnecessary and self-imposed image of Perfect DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are not MIL problems, they are husband problems.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Wow this is such a good description of how this dynamic evolves. Not just with MILs but with "takers" in general -- it starts out as "okay, this doesn't matter that much to me and they are being very pushy about it so we'll just do what they want to keep the peace" and ends with therapy and resentment and these intractable problems where simply saying "no" to one of these people is considered tantamount to destroying your relationship or violently hurting them. It is so challenging.

Dealing with "takers" is like some kind of rite of passage for most people. I am grateful my MIL is not one but I have dealt with several in my life and can see how easily a MIL or other family member could abuse the general desire people have to be liked and get along in order to control all the people in their orbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Wow this is such a good description of how this dynamic evolves. Not just with MILs but with "takers" in general -- it starts out as "okay, this doesn't matter that much to me and they are being very pushy about it so we'll just do what they want to keep the peace" and ends with therapy and resentment and these intractable problems where simply saying "no" to one of these people is considered tantamount to destroying your relationship or violently hurting them. It is so challenging.

Dealing with "takers" is like some kind of rite of passage for most people. I am grateful my MIL is not one but I have dealt with several in my life and can see how easily a MIL or other family member could abuse the general desire people have to be liked and get along in order to control all the people in their orbit.

I agree that the above is a great description. And, if in the case of a MIL “taker”, her son grew up unable to set boundaries he is complicit in bullying his wife into also not drawing boundaries lest she be viewed as mean and uncaring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think significant part of it is people being competitive and obsessed with being the most popular, the best liked etc.

Instead of doing what works for them and dealing with MIL not liking it or complaining about it, they suck it up in front of MIL, make themselves and their families jump through the hoops, all in order to fit some unnecessary and self-imposed image of Perfect DIL.

I think this can be true if the DH is able to set boundaries and has no issue with his wife refusing to overextend herself. In this case, the wife would just be acting as a martyr in an effort to be liked. Often though, the DH, causes the real issues because he throws a fit if his wife doesn’t go along with everything his mother wants. In this scenario, DW has the choice to either cause a rift in her marriage by speaking up or going along with DH and MIL so as to maintain peace in the marriage