Explain this behavior: Grown adults letting MIL call the shots

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Well said! I am the OP of the DH wants to host rude relatives thread.

Takers *depend* on givers, and a known giver is "money in the bank" to a taker. So, the taker tries to wear the giver down. Depending on the history between the two, it might not take much - and that is what the takers depend on.

It is exhausting to see it in action, and so predictable. The takers resort to anything, it seems.

I didn't respond on your thread but I will respond here ... My take-away from your posts is that you're very insecure. Everything has to be your way or no one can have it any other way. I don't know why you're so easily threatened; however, it saddens me that you only seem happy when you force someone else to stand down. Learn to flex a little. It won't kill you.

If you know about givers and takers, you know that if you give an inch - it results in decades of misery and drama. It is never enough. But, you seem too dramatic to see both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't do anything that dries up the gravy train trust fund.

This is the truth for most people I know still doing whatever MILs/FILs or Mothers/Fathers tell them to do. there are MANY MANY grown ass adults who are finiacially dependent - in some way or another - on their parent's generation.

Not for me, rather take the financial hit than be beholden to some crazy old lady.

+1

Well said. Beautiful when crazy people give you nothing, but expect everything. GTFOH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me just say that I’m 41 and it took me years to be able to stand up to my own mother and ignore her bullsh**. I’m finally at a place where I just ignore and move on. I don’t think you can understand until you’ve had a parent like one of these.

Yep. If you don't have a family filled with bullsh*t and drama, you don't know what it's like.

My mom was actually better than the rest of her family but she never learned what boundaries are. Sometimes it's best to go along and get along so there isn't drama for the next ten years.

There’s only “drama for ten years” if you continue to allow bullies to be part of your life. I have a steamroller of a cousin that I’ve cut off completely. If we happen to be at the same wedding or whatever, I ignore her or just nod and smile. I blocked her from my phone and social media. If another cousin tries to tell me what she said about me or did or started with someone else, I simply say, “I don’t care what Jill is doing.”

If you don’t want drama, don’t allow dramatic people to be part of your life.

+1

They absolutely ARE bullies! Let's call it what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are not insecure douchebags that have to show who is grown up every turn they take?

Hit home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I put up these boundaries when we got engaged, fiance was on board.

Yeah, ILs were not, so now we don't see them.

Some families cannot manage the 'inbetween' its all or nothing. My husband is shocked that some light boundary setting upset them so, but five years later here we are.

+1

There is an in between, but it is easier for them to get mad because someone finally stood up to their BS. Quel horreur!

[Anonymous]

Men can’t say no to their moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men can’t say no to their moms

I'm someone who has remarked on posts about awful MILs. Here's the thing - if MIL is warm and welcoming, I don't think that is asking a lot. That is an absolute base line, and my MIL will never know HOW MUCH she taught me about everything a MIL should NOT be.

If you show preference and help one of your kids out, and not the other one, for no reason - yeah, I'm going to have a problem with that. How many family members does it take to help that one family member out? Turns out - everyone. It gets tiresome, after a while. I don't expect or want the generosity to be reciprocated, but don't be rude and demeaning in exchange for years of helping someone out.

Looking a gift horse in the mouth, I think they call it.

A little mutual respect goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Well said! I am the OP of the DH wants to host rude relatives thread.

Takers *depend* on givers, and a known giver is "money in the bank" to a taker. So, the taker tries to wear the giver down. Depending on the history between the two, it might not take much - and that is what the takers depend on.

It is exhausting to see it in action, and so predictable. The takers resort to anything, it seems.

I didn't respond on your thread but I will respond here ... My take-away from your posts is that you're very insecure. Everything has to be your way or no one can have it any other way. I don't know why you're so easily threatened; however, it saddens me that you only seem happy when you force someone else to stand down. Learn to flex a little. It won't kill you.

If you know about givers and takers, you know that if you give an inch - it results in decades of misery and drama. It is never enough. But, you seem too dramatic to see both sides.

You think the PP you're responding to is being "dramatic"? Holy moley, you need help, honey.