When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I fear you are making this bigger than it needs to be. Not saying that there isn’t work to do, but I’m wondering if pregnancy hormones are blowing up your perception. Let’s review the facts:

He loves you. He loved his life with you and your family.
He has shown you the communications.
There is nothing sexual in the messages.
She is married.
He did NOT admit to loving her. That was YOUR interpretation.
He got together with her when you two were NOT together.
It is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

Take a deep breath. He is with you. You’re having another kid together. This woman has started her life with someone else. She’s not coming for your husband and he’s not leaving you.
That’s it.

All of this so exactly.

But maybe you want to talk to someone? Therapy could really help with *your* feelings about all of this, and why you are looking to create problems in what seems to be a pretty happy and totally normal marriage.

Let’s also remember - all of us, the ones who are saying they let one get away and those who cast judgment - that “the one who got away” is sexy and exciting because they aren’t the one paying the mortgage and doing dishes and sharing toothpaste.
+1

Do nothing. There is not a problem here unless you make it one. I would absolutely NOT go to marriage counseling over this. You will make an issue in your marriage that is not there. He had a past. He has a soft spot for her. You are married. Stop creating drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely CANNOT fathom the posters that say there is someone else out there they love more than their spouse. WTF?? Seriously, WTF?!?! That sounds an awful lot like 'settling'. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

+1

+2 I think some posters are missing that his contact with his ex caused issues in the past and in fact led to a break up in which a condition of them getting back together was no more contact. Ops husband has been in contact with his ex for the last year and hid that from her. Also his response isn't very reassuring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You knew this going in. Why did you marry this man?

I was 26 and in love, and I thought this issue was behind us.

It is. He has almost 4 kids with you. He loves you.

Or he's doing the "cultural" thing of popping out babies. I've seen that, and maybe Op is afraid that is what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You accept it and continue to happily move forward. “In love” is a fantasy. What you have is the real thing.

Agree. Who knows if the marriage would have lasted if he married the other woman. Yes, heart wants what it wants, but you will need more than being in love to make it last.

I'm not advocating doing nothing. Hash it out with a couples therapist. You need lots of specific information from DH. But ultimately, the decision starts with you (and not him) to see if it's worth salvaging the marriage or end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s crazy how so many people here are advocating for doing nothing. Don’t you guys share your thoughts and feelings with your spouses? Don’t you lean on each other for support? Don’t you work through issues together? Why not? Will having mature, adult conversations with your spouse be bad for your relationship ship?

I guess that kind of marriage works for some people but I’m so glad I don’t have one of those.

No one shares every single thought and feeling with their spouse. There isn't enough time in the day to share every thought you have.
You select which thoughts are important enough to share. These aren't the ones to go with.

Well gee do you think “hey I feel insecure about the idea that you love somebody else more than you love me, maybe we talk about it” is in the same level as “I wish my husband would wear different pants?”

A thought that goes to the very heart of the strength of your relationship seems like it’s important enough to share and have a conversation about. Being concerned about your spouse hiding conversations with somebody he loves more than you seems to fit into this category. I’m really surprised that people think that you shouldn’t even bring it up, even in a non-accusatory manner. It seems doing so means you think you’re obligated to hide feelings and accept an emotionally distanced relationship. This makes me so grateful for the relationship I have with my husband; we can have a mature, respectful conversations about things that are bothering us and work through them, without conflict. But again whatever floats your boat.

NP. I agree that the fact that he was initially hiding it and the fact that after 7 years or so he still has strong feelings would make anyone think about this.

OP, why not have a conversation about this and potentially with a counselor there to discuss how each of you feel and then how to move forward. This is clearly something that's bothering you and I can see why he has such strong feelings even after so many years, and so needs addressing. It's definitely something that can be worked out; it just may mean your perception of your relationship may change a bit but honestly, it's changed now anyway.

[Anonymous]

He didn't get closure. She's his what if.

But you are his reality. He's with you, he chose you, he created a family with you.

Even better that she's getting married, and will have a family of her own soon. Now you have to just keep watering your garden. Take care of your marriage, and she's not an issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a marriage that was my partner's "second choice" as his true love decided to stay with her (now) husband - yes, they were having an affair before I came into his life. We had three kids and stayed married for almost 20 years but I always felt like if he could have he would have rather been with the other person. It was said. I didn't think about it all the time, especially as we were busy raising kids. But the marriage ended eventually. It sucks to feel like you really aren't "the one and only." I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I fear you are making this bigger than it needs to be. Not saying that there isn’t work to do, but I’m wondering if pregnancy hormones are blowing up your perception. Let’s review the facts:

He loves you. He loved his life with you and your family.
He has shown you the communications.
There is nothing sexual in the messages.
She is married.
He did NOT admit to loving her. That was YOUR interpretation.
He got together with her when you two were NOT together.
It is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

Take a deep breath. He is with you. You’re having another kid together. This woman has started her life with someone else. She’s not coming for your husband and he’s not leaving you.
That’s it.

Cannot say this enough. This post 100000%. You are making the situation worse because there is no situation. You created it. Stop. Let it go. Stop being insecure. Stop being jealous. Live in the now.

Yes because , pregnancy and kids stop men from cheating
I can't decide if people are trying to be nice because op is pregnant , if they are naive and living in denial , or if they're in engaged in the same behavior and have convinced themselves it's okay

[Anonymous]

Okay Princess Diana

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a marriage that was my partner's "second choice" as his true love decided to stay with her (now) husband - yes, they were having an affair before I came into his life. We had three kids and stayed married for almost 20 years but I always felt like if he could have he would have rather been with the other person. It was said. I didn't think about it all the time, especially as we were busy raising kids. But the marriage ended eventually. It sucks to feel like you really aren't "the one and only." I get it.

Wow. How old were you. It’s when the marriage ended? What did he and you do after that?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, op. I’d not have married him, though that’s water over the bridge for you now.

More troubling to me is if you truly believed all this was in the past, or if he wanted you to think it was? He shows a deceptive streak, one I don’t like. I’d be far more comfortable if he said “oh look, Sally is getting married, come take a look”. This moves her into friend of the marriage teritory v. old girlfriend he’s still in love with territory. I’d also bet that you found out what was going on because of how he treats you. The problem with having a fantasy is that the real life partner isn’t treated well. Things like “I’d love it if you brought me coffee” become Why can’t you get it yourself” because the fantasy isn’t making requests/suggestions/demands ever.

My guess is that your husband may have been fine but you felt he didn’t truly love and care for you, not the way a romantic partner should.

I’d ask that he cut off all contact, including passive contact (reading social media posts and the like) or he include you on everything. Group texts, frequent mention of you, the works.

It’s not clear to me if hes truly hiding something, or if he just doesn’t know how to be married.

Good luck, op and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve this.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes there are people in our lives we never get over. That’s just the way it is. But he is here with you, now, loving you, being a good dad to your children, living a REAL life with you. His thoughts of her probably give him some escapism from the challenges of early parenthood. You guys have a lot on your plate with 3 kids and another on the way. This ex represents a fantasy of freedom, less stress, greener grass on the other side. That’s all she is— an idealized daydream.

It sounds like your DH could use counseling to help him through the pressures he is feeling and to help him get some closure on this relationship. But it also sounds like he loves you very much. Try to focus on the here and now. He is with YOU and committed to YOU. Work on building stronger bonds and try your best not to freak out. Make it safe for him to be vulnerable with you and open up to you about his feelings. Almost everyone has a “what if” person in their past. It’s okay. You will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

So what's your suggestion? Divorce him and be a single mom with four kids? For what? Because her dh wished an old girlfriend well in her upcoming marriage? You think she'll find another spouse without any past relationships who'll put her and another man's children on a pedestal?

Why are you boiling this all down to wishing an ex well in her upcoming marriage? Did you read the whole post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

So what's your suggestion? Divorce him and be a single mom with four kids? For what? Because her dh wished an old girlfriend well in her upcoming marriage? You think she'll find another spouse without any past relationships who'll put her and another man's children on a pedestal?

Plus one million. The posters telling her to freak out over this are idiots. You found your one in a million and never loved anyone other than your spouse? Good for you. Hope you feel great humble bragging in an anonymous forum. That's not the reality for most people. This lady is about to have four kids with this guy. Should she leave him over this non issue? See her kids 50% of the time over this non issue? Please. I've been the "other woman" in this situation. I will always be the great and first love of my ex. And we probably lived each other more than any other partner. But there were religious, cultural and other barriers. Love is one component in a happy and long lasting partnership. You have to weigh all of them. I am infrequently in touch with my ex. Maybe once an year at most (after many years of no communication). I will always love him and wish the best for him which I know is not being with me.

I love the hyperbole here, ha. Not just accepting that your spouse loves somebody else more than you is a freak out?

Maybe you think it’s a humble brag that my husband loves me more than anybody else. I think it’s weird AF that people think that you think it’s normal to MARRY somebody when there is somebody else you love more. Different strokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I fear you are making this bigger than it needs to be. Not saying that there isn’t work to do, but I’m wondering if pregnancy hormones are blowing up your perception. Let’s review the facts:

He loves you. He loved his life with you and your family.
He has shown you the communications.
There is nothing sexual in the messages.
She is married.
He did NOT admit to loving her. That was YOUR interpretation.
He got together with her when you two were NOT together.
It is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

Take a deep breath. He is with you. You’re having another kid together. This woman has started her life with someone else. She’s not coming for your husband and he’s not leaving you.
That’s it.

+1 - he cares for her as an old friend. He is married and has kids with you. No extramarital sex.