When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be livid if I found my DH communicating with his ex girlfriend behind my back. If he’s happily married to you with 4 kids, why feel the need to talk to an old flame? What good will come out of it and you must be really dense to not realize how much this will hurt your spouse especially when you broke up with him because of this person.

I would put my foot down and tell him to not be in touch with her at all because it hurts you and makes you uncomfortable and why would he want to hurt his wife and the mother of his kids?

I'm a NP joining this thread late and I totally agree with you. And it sucks for OP because he'll accuse her of trying to control him and make her the bad guy. And maybe best-case scenario he agrees...and then breaks that promise in a few years when he needs another hit of dopamine. A promise means nothing with gaslighters like this. (I'm dealing with this now.) And yet, what's the alternative? Divorce isn't reasonable or practical. He holds all the power here while she waits for the other shoe to drop. Ugh, it sucks.

[Anonymous]

I assume you are pregnant. I don't see this as that big of a deal

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like she wants him. But he’s an idiot either way. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

1. I am not planning on divorcing him.


2. I'm not going to leave temporarily to teach him a lesson. I've got 3 small kids and that wouldn't be fair to them.


3. The reason we broke up when we were dating is that he was in constant communication with her, Talking, texting, and seeing each other. I was understanding at first because they had dated throughout college and I figured it was okay for them to be friends,, I started to feel like I was the other person in the relationship, not the girlfriend. I talked to my now DH about it and things got better for a little while before going back to how they had been. I told him that he needed to make a choice, and he said that he would always have her as a friend so that was that. We were split for about 4 months. Before he came back to me, asking to work things out. He promised that things were over between them and that was that. To my knowledge, there has been no communication between them until this last year. I did not know until Saturday that they had been talking for the last year, or that they had resumed their relationship during the brief time we had broken up. He says they both kind of reached out to each other because the pandemic had them both wondering about old friends and how they were doing. He says he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to get upset.

4. What's bothering me the most about the messaging and texts is a combination of things. It wasn't just 1 or 3 messages of checking in to make sure all was well. It's been a year of communication. While the messages aren't explicit there's a lot of memory sharing, and I assume inside jokes with emojis. It's also t that this was happening when he was likely with me or the kids, he should have been focused on us when he was focused on her. I only found out about it Saturday because I got tired of him putting off doing something I had asked him to do and saw that he was looking at her wedding pictures.



5. I haven't asked him to do anything yet like, not to communicate with her or block her etc. . I realize the messages I saw were not explicit, but I don't want things to get to that point. You always hear about things starting off innocently and then not. I'd rather not get to that point.

Ok, so they connected. I would now tell him, "enough". Just say enough, I want it to stop now and if you start again I want to know about it.

[Anonymous]

Yea, this is excessive and if it were me I would do a rare thing, and say directly and clearly, "I want it to stop now". I can absolutely also see my husband saying the same to me if it were reversed. There are times in a marriage where you can use this rare card...it's making you uncomfortable, it's been ongoing and it really is enough. See how he responds. Maybe some people would be cool with ongoing contact, that's fine, but that's not you.

[Anonymous]

You listen to your husband and don’t throw away your marriage because he got in touch with his soon to be married ex over the pandemic. If the most heinous crime he committed in the exchange was wishing her well in her marriage and saying she’d make a beautiful bride let it go. Don’t let your insecurities cause you to make a bad decision. By your own admission you say she’s been a non factor, move on. I think you’d make yourself happier if you admitted that you are not ok with his behavior and you expect more from someone who loves you. Sometimes a steely statement goes much further than a long drawn out argument.

[Anonymous]

He's not ever going anywhere with 4 kids. Many don't realize even if you did get divorce down the road it will be you, the kids, then grand-kids. Then they are depressed they divorced their family which is what I am starting to see as I get older.

Still I wouldn't fight about her. Instead when it's a good time tell him it was nice how he congratulated, but it's time to move on. He's only in love with a fantasy that didn't work out because they weren't right for each other. The parents thing is B.S. btw.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't know if you're still reading but let it go. This is normal for anyone who has a connection with a significant other from the past. I think it's healthier if there is a bond and a friendship, it means the people were not superficial.

Your perception about being 2nd choice is only that, your perception. Who is he married to, who does he have kids with, who is he happy with ?

You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not ever going anywhere with 4 kids. Many don't realize even if you did get divorce down the road it will be you, the kids, then grand-kids. Then they are depressed they divorced their family which is what I am starting to see as I get older.

Still I wouldn't fight about her. Instead when it's a good time tell him it was nice how he congratulated, but it's time to move on. He's only in love with a fantasy that didn't work out because they weren't right for each other. The parents thing is B.S. btw.

This. The manchild lacked the courage to marry her. He made this bed and will lie in it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh it’s frustrating when people act like the husband in this story. He needs to pick a side. He declined to marry the ex GF and he chose to marry OP. He made those choices and should stand by them. All of this behind the scenes communication and pining over wedding pictures is a waste of his time and is hurting his wife - the mother of his children who is carrying his 4th! OP deserves extra love and attention now, not this escapist man child behavior from her husband. My guess is he’s feeling some stress or anxiety related to having another baby; if so he should talk about it with OP rather than avoiding his problems and reminiscing about earlier times when he didn’t have these same types of responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PPs that OP is being unreasonable and her feelings are understandable, especially considering the weight this other woman had in their earlier breakup. This *year-long* communication could easily have veered into emotional affair territory, and it seemed to be something that consumed a fair amount of her DH’s focus while OP was totally unaware.

That being said, I think it would be beneficial for OP to sit down with her DH and just check in about how they are both feeling in their relationship, and try to prioritize it in any way possible.