When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been together for 11 years and married for 7 years, we have 3 soon-to-be 4 children together. He's a good father and a good husband. We generally have a good life together, but I know I was not his first choice. I know he's not in love with me the way he was with her.


There was another woman, that he dated before me, but they broke up because parents would not approve of them getting married because of age and cultural differences, mainly cultural differences.

They broke up at the end of grad school, and DH met me, not long after.. The 4 years that we dated there were times I felt he wasn't committed to the relationship. There were times I discovered he was talking to her. I gave him an ultimatum, We broke up briefly for a few months, but got together. From the point together she has been a nonfactor in our relationship. That is until yesterday when I found out that DH has been in communication with her throughout the pandemic. Communication includes FB messages and texting. He showed me the message at my insistence. All but one of the messages were benign, and the one that wasn't wasn't sexually explicit or anything like that, it was just him congratulating her on her engagement, that she would be a beautiful bride and her husband is a lucky man. This came to light because I caught him looking at her wedding pictures. This led to an argument in which I discovered during the time we were apart he was seeing her. He also admitted to still loving her. Not in those exact words, but when I asked if he still cared for her the only answer he'd give was " What do you want me to say?" He says he loves me and is happy with our life together.

My questions are where do I, and where do we go from here? Do I insist he stop all communication with her? Do I insist on marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

You knew this going in. Why did you marry this man?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you tell him to stop communicating with her. And you get to counseling now. This is not beyond repair. You can get through it, but it will take some work.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t see this being resolved unless the other woman tells your husband to knock it off, the window is closed, there is no chance. Sorry you’re in this situation, OP. Sorry to hear you’ve had four kids with this immature man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You knew this going in. Why did you marry this man?

I was 26 and in love, and I thought this issue was behind us.

[Anonymous]

OP- I fear you are making this bigger than it needs to be. Not saying that there isn’t work to do, but I’m wondering if pregnancy hormones are blowing up your perception. Let’s review the facts:

He loves you. He loved his life with you and your family.
He has shown you the communications.
There is nothing sexual in the messages.
She is married.
He did NOT admit to loving her. That was YOUR interpretation.
He got together with her when you two were NOT together.
It is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

Take a deep breath. He is with you. You’re having another kid together. This woman has started her life with someone else. She’s not coming for your husband and he’s not leaving you.
That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Four kids?

That’s tough. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you tell him to stop communicating with her. And you get to counseling now. This is not beyond repair. You can get through it, but it will take some work.

Do you have any recs on a counselor? We're in PG county.

[Anonymous]

Four kids in 7 years wow. He probably can’t afford to divorce you.

[Anonymous]

He's married to you. She just got married. Exes are allowed to talk. You do need to have a series of conversations with him and quality therapy is useful, but know these two will always have a special place for each other in their hearts. All of us married folk have the one (or two) who got away, and sure, we might think, what if. But he's building a life with *you* and he ultimately didn't choose her, so try not to feel so insecure. Many of my male fiends have told me my husband is lucky to have me. My girlfriends have also told me I'm lucky to have my husband. It's a compliment you shouldn't read into too much. Finally, he showed you the messages, please consider how hard all this is on him too.

[Anonymous]

Accept it. Move on. Do not b@tch about it. Enjoy your home and family. Do not waste time thinking about her or what he “might” feel.

[Anonymous]

Stop with the drama. You seriously wrote that title to this thread??? He’s NOT in love with her! There’s no smoking gun here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You knew this going in. Why did you marry this man?

I was 26 and in love, and I thought this issue was behind us.

It is. He has almost 4 kids with you. He loves you.

[Anonymous]

You are making more of this than there should be. He hasn't done anything wrong, and it's absurd to think he wouldn't have any feelings for someone he loved in the past. If you continue down this path and are too restrictive and jealous, you are going to create a problem that isn't there.

She is getting married herself, and he is married to you and have 4 kids. Nothing is going to happen between them at this point in time, so let the past be the past. If he wants to communicate with her periodically, fine.

It's also okay for you to feel a twinge of jealousy, but you need to move past it and recognize he is with you and loves you and wants to be with you. It is probably made worse by pregnancy hormones, so chill out and realize you may be more relaxed in the coming years.

[Anonymous]

You accept it and continue to happily move forward. “In love” is a fantasy. What you have is the real thing.