When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

So what's your suggestion? Divorce him and be a single mom with four kids? For what? Because her dh wished an old girlfriend well in her upcoming marriage? You think she'll find another spouse without any past relationships who'll put her and another man's children on a pedestal?

Plus one million. The posters telling her to freak out over this are idiots. You found your one in a million and never loved anyone other than your spouse? Good for you. Hope you feel great humble bragging in an anonymous forum. That's not the reality for most people. This lady is about to have four kids with this guy. Should she leave him over this non issue? See her kids 50% of the time over this non issue? Please. I've been the "other woman" in this situation. I will always be the great and first love of my ex. And we probably lived each other more than any other partner. But there were religious, cultural and other barriers. Love is one component in a happy and long lasting partnership. You have to weigh all of them. I am infrequently in touch with my ex. Maybe once an year at most (after many years of no communication). I will always love him and wish the best for him which I know is not being with me.

I love the hyperbole here, ha. Not just accepting that your spouse loves somebody else more than you is a freak out?

Maybe you think it’s a humble brag that my husband loves me more than anybody else. I think it’s weird AF that people think that you think it’s normal to MARRY somebody when there is somebody else you love more. Different strokes.

You THINK that your husband loves you more than anyone else. He won't ever actually be honest with you about it because look at all the psychos on here that go crazy anytime anyone brings up contact with an ex. In this case the husband "admits" that he has feelings for this ex but guess what he's not with her, he's with OP and creating a life with OP. I hope your bubble isn't ever shattered OP. It's my friends that are smug/head in the sand, like you, that fall the hardest when their partners cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

So what's your suggestion? Divorce him and be a single mom with four kids? For what? Because her dh wished an old girlfriend well in her upcoming marriage? You think she'll find another spouse without any past relationships who'll put her and another man's children on a pedestal?

Why are you boiling this all down to wishing an ex well in her upcoming marriage? Did you read the whole post?

I think people are skim reading and missing that OP's husband has been in contact with his ex for months after he previously agreed he wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's married to you. She just got married. Exes are allowed to talk. You do need to have a series of conversations with him and quality therapy is useful, but know these two will always have a special place for each other in their hearts. All of us married folk have the one (or two) who got away, and sure, we might think, what if. But he's building a life with *you* and he ultimately didn't choose her, so try not to feel so insecure. Many of my male fiends have told me my husband is lucky to have me. My girlfriends have also told me I'm lucky to have my husband. It's a compliment you shouldn't read into too much. Finally, he showed you the messages, please consider how hard all this is on him too.

Ummm. No we all don't. I have nobody that I love more than my husband of 23 years, and do not reminisce or wonder about any past boyfriends. We saw my husband's ex-first love at the 20-year high school reunion and she was on her 4th baby daddy and in the process of moving out from the last one. 4 kids- 4 different men. Yeah, no love left there.

I didn't have 'messy' or hateful breakups with my 2 serious relationships before meeting my husband, but I have zero longing for them. I did not keep in touch. I was not in love of them when it ended and, feeling what I did when I met my spouse---I never was truly in love with those guys. It was overpowering, the 'you know' fireworks from first meeting with my husband.

I didn't say "love more than," nor did I mention anything messy or hateful. Ok, perhaps you don't have a past other than with your husband, or you stopped caring for your exes. Congratulations. I love my husband very much, and I don't regret anything. But breaking up with my exes didn't suddenly make them into people I don't know, didn't spend time with, or didn't care about. We just decided it wasn't meant to be forever. This instinct to go around yelling MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE is what's most threatening to the institution of marriage. Yes, yes, they're yours, you're theirs, for better or for worse; it doesn't mean they're and you're still not a living, breathing, hormonal person. The husband in this scenario is holding up his end of the bargain as far as I can tell. OP is freaking out and likely making the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many posters are saying that OP is overreacting. OP, as you know, the fact that he knew this past relationship bothered you and he continued to communicate with her AND HID IT is a problem. At a minimum, it’s hurtful and disrespectful. He is immature and living a bit in a fantasy world. A good marriage counselor would tell him that he needs to prioritize your feelings about this. There should be transparency with his social media, etc. Your DH needs to grow up and lean into the life he has and let go of his fantasy world. It’s unhealthy for everyone involved.

+1

It’s not a deal breaker but it is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

I love my wife, but I've always been in love with Kate Winslet, ever since Titanic. I think my wife understands.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you went looking for trouble and found it. Or didn't. . .

If you are happy with him then don't worry about the rest of it.

[Anonymous]

He knows you want him to be out of this woman’s life. You are his wife. That alone, his respect and love for you should compel him to cut her out of your lives.

Second why do people say 4 kids are signs he loves her? He wants sex and I’m guessing their culture frowns on birth control. It proves nothing.

He is pining for his forbidden exotic affair of his youth, before humdrum married life with kids. What an a$$.

[Anonymous]

Feeling for op here, he blew it...she in the trenches of mothering and pregnancy, a very vulnerable time and there must have been a strong urge based on history, to idealize this past love (as he does) . He did not do a great job of repair obviously...this is not a husband who showed great empathy in understanding what it might be like to see texts of your spouse telling his ex she will be or is beautiful.while you are in pregnancy and probably feel you are far from beautiful (even if you are). Op, I would share your vulnerability with him and ask for what you would like. Maybe you need reassurance, heartfelt reassurance. Maybe he can offer it in a spirit of kindness. Maybe he cannot. If it still bothers you, yes consider seeing someone.

[Anonymous]

He could have been true to his feelings for former love and not deny it but he also could have tried to find a way to reassure and have empathy for how vulnerable and threatened his wife felt. Even just saying, "I love you, I picked you, and I want our life together with our family" might have calmed her down. He made his wife feel like the outsider or third....that's not kind. Yes, she has her insecurities but he gives her some reason.

[Anonymous]

OP, aside from everything else, congrats on your pregnancy and upcoming birth of your next child. Lots of love to you and your kids. Keep your eyes on the prize. I’m sure your family adores you and that you are a great mom.

[Anonymous]

Get over it. You're obsessing over a childhood relationship basically, when he was a student 11+ years ago. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, aside from everything else, congrats on your pregnancy and upcoming birth of your next child. Lots of love to you and your kids. Keep your eyes on the prize. I’m sure your family adores you and that you are a great mom.

Yes, hold on to what is real, which is that you and your husband share a whole life and children together. You're a family. She is part of the past...Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Do a reversal....she does not know him as you know him, you are his wife and as his wife, you are afforded many privileges and intimacies she will never know anything about. You are the mother of his children and he loves you and chose YOU. She is the past...you are his present and future.

[Anonymous]

Look at it this way OP. If they truly live without eachother, they wouldn't have been influenced by family, cultural differences, timing, etc. None of that would have mattered, and they would have thrown caution to the wind (and flipped their families off). People make it work against all odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at it this way OP. If they truly couldn't live without eachother, they wouldn't have been influenced by family, cultural differences, timing, etc. None of that would have mattered, and they would have thrown caution to the wind (and flipped their families off). People make it work against all odds.